Things Depression Says

Dear Lost,

That’s just your depression talking.

Legit, what you’re feeling is a symptom of depression. It’s got very little to do with your relationship or with her, that’s just your brain chemistry fizzing out. And I’ll tell you what, I’ve been married seven years and this still happens to me. When my depression isn’t telling me I’m numb and I don’t love Mr. E and I don’t know my children and all my hobbies are shit, along comes anxiety. And anxiety goes, "Hey mate, I know you love him desperately, but he doesn’t love you at all. Nobody loves you, you’re a piece of shit." Woo mental health is so much fun! But that’s all it is, and when those chemicals get back in balance we remember who we really are.

I’m not a doctor and I’m not qualified to offer advice, but I can tell you what works for me. I leave the house every day, even if I don’t want to. I eat predominantly whole plant foods, following Dr. Greger’s Daily Dozen (it’s an app). I get an hour of exercise a day, even if it’s just walking. I journal my thoughts. And when it gets bad, I go to therapy. The more tools you have in your toolbox for recognizing a depressive episode before it gets into full swing, the better chance you have of making the episode shorter and less impactful on your support people.

The second thing that really stood out to me is how you said your depression magically stopped for a year because of your girlfriend. It makes people mad with me when I say this, but don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket. Not your girlfriend. Not your wife. Not your sibling, friend, or parent. This is for two reasons, the first being the obvious one that other people can and will let us down, the second reason being that it’s selfish to put that burden on other people. Our happiness and our mental health is our own problem.

Sometimes when we’re with someone really awesome it’s easy to think they have cured us. They are the medicine for what ails us. But that’s not fair to them, is it? That puts them in the position where they feel they can’t leave, they’re responsible for us. It makes our relationships based on need — where we are forced to stay together — rather than want. A relationship based on want, where two (or more) people choose each other through love and the desire to see each other succeed, that’s where it’s at. Two complete functional people spending their lives together for the pure joy of it. Not two people who might be happier elsewhere but are bound by duty.

I apologize profusely that it took me so long to get to this letter, I do hope you didn’t break up in the near fortnight you waited, because that’s not fair to either of you. If you did and you want to give it another go with her, feel free to blame me, I can take it. I’m going to proceed here with the idea that you didn’t break up because you didn’t want to hurt her, because that seemed the direction you were leaning in your letter.

Listen, it’s never okay to just drop off the face of the planet for five days. Or even for two. When you’re in a long term relationship you’re obligated not only to avoid worrying your partner unnecessarily (you’re long distance! She’ll be thinking anything could have happened and she might never know. Don’t do that to a person.) but you’re also obligated to keep caring for them even when you struggle yourself. It’s hard. I’m not saying for a moment that it isn’t. But you do need to put in the minimum effort of asking how they are and letting them know you’re still alive.

What you need to be doing is being honest about your mental health with your girlfriend, and if necessary teach her how to care for you. Don’t assume she can tell something is wrong, or that she will google depression hotfixes and have you back on your feet. This is a long term thing. It can take years for us to know what we need before and during an episode, and then years to teach our partners those responses, but it all starts with honesty. Try “I’m sorry I’ve been quiet lately, my depression is back and I feel numb.” Some people describe their depression like a thick blanket between them and others, or between them and their emotions. It’s a nicer way of saying “I don’t feel like I love you anymore.”

If you need to be alone for a while, tell her that communication will be low, but don’t just disappear.

I don’t know how long you struggled with depression before you spent that wonderful year with her, but you can probably figure out from your personal history if depression is going to be an ongoing issue that pops up throughout your life. And if it is, both you and your girlfriend need to be aware of it.

Just tell her. The stigma around mental health problems is starting to lift, but in the event she takes it badly and doesn’t want to stand by your side and support you through it, it would be better to know sooner rather than later. If you’re looking at a life-long situation like mine where you will manage these unbalanced brain chemicals into old age, you need a spouse who will help you pick up your pieces time and again.