Dear Miss U,
Me and my loved boy met at the student exchange programme. We dated for 3 months and took the distance. After both of us came back to our countries, he visited me, and soon I am going to fly to him.
Everything is great, really. He is the first guy I take as something serious. We don’t doubt, we don’t fight.
But, to the point. Though we communicate every day, I am often trying to make him “do something together” even if we are away from each other. Like… play some game, or watch the same movie at the same time, eat a dinner together… I asked him a few times to do it with me, but from his reactions he seems to think it is a bit silly. I come from the country of romantic people who like to talk about love and show it a lot, his culture is more individualistic and… cold. When we meet, I can get as much of these little moments as I need at the time. But I would like to feel them also when we’re apart. Do you think it is too much to expect, if this kind of behaviour is not in his ‘style’? Should I just get over it?
XO,
Sunny
Dear Sunny,
No, I don’t think you should just get over it. I think that you just need to find a way to present it to him that doesn’t seem quite so corny. Because really, it isn’t silly at all. If you’d be doing these things together in person, why does doing them together when you’re not physically in the same room change them? It only seems silly because it isn’t the “norm” that is modeled for us by parents, friends and the media.
Tell him that plenty of couples actually dress up, cook fancy dinners and go on designated dates – at home over skype. You’re not asking that kind of effort from him. You’re asking for a bit of TV/netflicks time or a bit of video gaming. Things that he’d likely be doing anyway, and that he can do without pants if he so desires.
If that doesn’t help him step it up, ask him why is it so bad for him to feel a bit silly? Why is feeling silly worse for him than you feeling un-romanced? And finally, ask him what you can trade for this. Compromise is key. Mr. E doesn’t want to do all the things I enjoy doing with him. He feels no need for religious gatherings, big family dinners and spending time in the great outdoors, but he does it for me with the knowledge that I will do the things he loves in support of him too. I can think of a million things more fun than doing the grocery shopping together or playing card games, but he wants me there for that so I put on my big girl pants and a smile.
I don’t think you can expect it to happen all the time, but it’s important to spend time together for the relationship, and sometimes there’s just not that much to talk about. Give it another shot.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
My fiancé or ex now, left me about 3 weeks ago. He is from the Netherlands and I am from Texas. We were together for over 5 years, and got engaged back in January 2014 right before I had to leave him to come back to Texas. I went to visit him Christmas, New Years, and my birthday in 2013-2014. We had the best time of our lives, and I realized that he was absolutely the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Like I mentioned, he proposed to my the day before my departure, and he told me that he realized that he didn’t want to lose me and I was the love of his life. Once I got back home we had our share of ups and down like any other couple, but we got through them. Back in June, he got promoted for a new position at his job, and I started noticing that he was distancing himself from me to the point where I would call him, and he purposely ignored my calls. I tried talking to him about it and he said he would try to make more time together. Well things got worse, he wouldn’t really call me “baby” or say “i love you” nor want to Skype call. The talking never improved, he would only message me if I was the first to message him. About 3 weeks ago he got on Skype and started off by saying that he was tired of the distance, and his friends/coworkers said the distance was to much and we had been together for too long already. He does say he still love me if I ask him, but I don’t know what to do. Should I move on? Do I give up on my true love?
Confused Texan
Dear Texan,
The answer to this depends on information I don’t have here.
Ask him: If you were there, would your relationship be in jeopardy right now? Is this truly a problem with the distance or is it a problem with the relationship and he’s using the distance as a convenient excuse to get out?
And secondly, if it is the distance, what are you both willing to do about it? Because he’s made it clear: he’s done his time long distance, and he’s not trying anymore. (Yes, personally I do think that’s pretty assholish of him, but my feelings on the matter are beside the point.) So if you are going to continue on and fight for love or whatever, someone’s going to have to move. And as you’re international, this isn’t going to be easy or fast.
Talk to him about this. He says he still loves you, but does he want you? Is he willing to put the effort and the money into an international move? (Because the person who moves isn’t the person who should do everything or pay for everything).
Personally I don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t think he is worth it; this man who will just let contact fizzle and die rather than trying to chase his own happiness. I feel that love isn’t all it takes – love is not all you need. Love alone is not enough. But it is you who has to live with this decision, not me. It’s you who might lose sleep at night wondering “what if…” so if you need to drop everything and move to him to give this relationship one last chance, I’m here to tell you that you only live once and that you’re young enough to not be crippled if this is a mistake.
Sometimes a couple can be long distance for a really long time because they need a catalyst like this to push them through the final stages, other times the relationship just doesn’t have what it takes to push through to the next level and survive. Only the two of you know which of those might fit you.
Either way, I hope you find the closure you need to follow whatever path you choose without looking back.
