Time to Retire

Dear Miss U,

We met 6 yrs ago next week. We spend every third weekend together and have done for a long time. He drives over 4 hours to see me, we have weekends away and share many interests, however, I am becoming increasingly aware due to our age that life is passing us by and want him to commit to living together. He says he is 'working on' retiring and that he wants to come and live with me, but it seems to just drift on and on. I love him so much and don’t want to even think about not being with him, but I don’t know how much longer I can go on being alone without him. Am I being too pushy and needy? He enjoys his job, that I understand but I think it’s time for him to retire and for us to enjoy whatever life we have left together.

Miserable in the UK

Dear Miserable,

Whatever life we have left together? Mate, you’re only sixty-three! You could have another thirty or forty years left. Longer than I’ve even been on this earth. You’ve got time.

Thinking of death though, I’ve always had this belief that if you retire without a plan, you die faster. I don’t have any research to back that up (which is terrible, I know) but I’ve watched a lot of people retire just so they can wait to die. Their bodies deteriorate rapidly at that point.

So before anyone hangs up their coat for good here, I think you both need a solid plan. What are you going to do with this retirement? Where will you volunteer your time? Are there grandkids to look after to keep you young? Will you be traveling together? Because if the current plan is just he retires, moves in, and you spend the rest of your days snuggled up watching Netflix, I can see why he’s not rushing to do that.

Being with you will be fantastic, and I bet he loves the draw of that part, but there needs to be a new adventure waiting, something engaging and satisfying that will fill the void left by leaving work.

Our whole lives, we’re asked, "What are you going to do when you grow up?" or "What do you do?" For some reason, in this life, career seems to define us, and this is especially true for men of older generations. With that in mind I’m wondering, is it possible for you to go there a few years, and then retire back to wherever you are now when he’s finally ready? Maybe then he could do partial retirement in the meantime. Ease out slowly so it’s not such a shock to the system.

You’re not being pushy or needy, and even if you were being needy THAT’S OKAY! We are allowed to feel feelings and expect our emotional needs to be met in a timely fashion. You’ve done the distance six years, I’d say you’ve done your time for sure. You’ve earned a conclusion to this phase of the relationship. But maybe that conclusion needs to hinge less on his retirement.

Perhaps it’s time to go back to the drawing board, make a new plan, and find where each of you can compromise.

Dear Miss U, A year before last, I contacted and eventually met my college girlfriend after 30 years. She and I have families now and spouses. We have seen each other off and on talked about where our lives have gone after 30+ years. She and I have ‘hung out,’ so to speak, gone to a movie, had lunches, and just talked. I made plain that I was not after her for sex, not my intention. Just wanted to be friends and see her from time to time. I still love her and would love to finish out my life with her, I know that won’t be possible, although she had said to me to stay healthy... [read more: The Beginning of the End]
Dear Miss U, I’ve known this man for over 25 years. We met via our jobs. He worked in Florida & me in New Jersey. I was married and he was engaged when we met. There was an immediate connection from the moment we met and we became good work friends but I always wondered what it would have been like. My marriage of 21 years fell apart and I was divorced in 2004. I spent 9 years trying to get my life back together and not feel like I was a failure. I didn’t date as my confidence with men was shot and I was pretty miserable. Now, fast forward to April 2013. He emailed me out of the blue, sending me a video, and before you know it we’re talking on the phone every day since! [read more: This Flag is Red]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.