Dear Miss U,
I met this guy online and we been together for 6 months. We’re both divorced. During the first 3 months of our relationship, he always said to me that finally he found his soul mate in me and of course I was so flattered because I do love him a lot. Until recently we would text every day and talk every other day. We only lived 10 miles away from each other but we see each other once a month. At the beginning it was okay because we are busy of our work respectively but lately I noticed that he seldom texted me or called. There are times that he doesn’t text me for a week, I don’t know what to do. I can’t eat and sleep, it kills me inside because I’m already head over heels in love with him. I texted him asking if we can talk and he never replied, 4 days after I texted him I called him but he didn’t pick it up so I left him a voice message. 6 hours after he called me and he told me to relax that he was just only busy working. So I understand him but still my instinct said he has other woman but still he text me every day and no calls at all.
What shall I do? I’m afraid to initiate to ask again our issue because am not ready to lose him. I love him to death and I keep on crying and asking myself why? Please help me.
Maria
Dear Maria,
I think this guy is jerking you around. Regardless of whether he has another woman his actions are unacceptable. A healthy relationship isn’t where the woman waits around for a man who never calls. You have your own life, you’re not just there waiting to entertain him. Yes people do get busy, but if he’s too busy to find time to answer a simple text or to return your call then he’s too busy for a relationship. We make time for what is important to us.
Unfortunately you don’t have a lot of options. You can try talking to him about it, at the risk of losing him, you can leave him and find someone who’s willing to make time for you or you can put up with it and continue to be miserable. But think about this : Love is not all you need. Love is not enough to hold a relationship together on its own, you need communication, trust, fun, passion and a whole slew of other things. It takes work from both parties.
Ask yourself honestly, what are you getting out of this relationship? Is it worth feeling like this?
Trust yourself, and put your own needs first.
Dear Miss U,
To start off, I will tell you a little about us, we have known each other since 2001. We met at a summer camp and I liked him ever since. Well he has since moved to DC to attend college and I am still in NJ. Since 2003, I’ve seen him 3 times (Twice being in the last 5 months). Within the last three months, we have been talking about getting together. With both of our schedules being hectic and clashing so much, we rarely see each other. He is worried if we do date he will not have time for me but he is doing everything possible so he could have time to spend with me. I want this so bad. I know we are only 150 miles (3 hrs) apart but it still is a haul. I always go to see him. Whenever we see each other, it’s clear that we both want this to work. We are making all these plans for what we want to do this summer and a lot of it is things that a couple would do. What advice would you give a couple or a future couple like us to stop worrying and just take our time? We obviously are proving it to each other that it will work but we are still both worrying that it won’t. He just doesn’t want me to feel bad when I rarely see him. I can admit it a few weeks ago I was in tears that I missed him but it was worth it when I saw him this past weekend. It reminded me why I like him so much and why I wanna be with him. I know this is the right thing we should do but at the same time I’m scared. So what should I/we do?
Stuck in Jersey
Dear Stuck in Jersey,
By the sounds of it, you’re already doing what needs to be done. You’re honest with each other, you’re working hard to make time rather than just saying you don’t have any and forgetting each other, and you’re concerned enough about the relationship that you shouldn’t fall into the trap of taking it for granted. These are good signs.
My best advice is going to come in the forms of quotes, the first one being “Worry is like a rocking horse, it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere” and the second being “It is better to regret something you have done than to regret not doing it.”
If you want something enough and you work hard enough, it will be yours. So work on this together. Support each other, build each other up. You already know why it’s worth it and that the distance won’t last forever. Both your hearts are invested in this relationship regardless of your hesitancy to call yourselves a couple. Don’t be scared of committing to this, don’t be afraid of how hard it will be, because you’re already doing it and you’re doing great.
Dear Miss U,
Well, so there’s this guy I met last summer when I was in my country.. Right now I’m living somewhere far away, because my parents work here. In summer we spent a lot of time together and then started talking over facebook, skype, etc. We are in love with each other, and I know we are very young, but we don’t want to wait anymore.. I will see him next summer and I’m pretty sure that we will start dating then. But when we first talked about this he wasn’t really sure because he has heard that a lot of long distance relationships don’t work and he doesn’t want to lose me so he’d rather wait. I still have at least two years living here left, and I really don’t want to wait.. I love him so much. I’ve never dated anyone before because I wanted to wait for the right one and it seems like he is perfect for me, more than anyone else I’ve ever met before. Now he’s more sure about the dating thing but now I’m having doubts.. I don’t want to lose him, I’d rather wait but at the same time I want to be with him so badly.. I don’t know what to do, I’m just so confused. Help me please!
Daniela
Dear Daniela,
Let me tell you a little secret. It doesn’t matter if you’re officially dating or not. The key to this is keeping him in your life and interested. Forget the label, it won’t hold you together; it won’t change the likelihood that you will succeed as a couple in the future. Just stay in contact. Continue to be friends; be that friend he can not live without. Continue to flirt, keep that mystery there, that allure of something more. Be yourself, be fun and have fun. Let him court you for a little while, and chase him right back. You have time – a lot of it. Instead of rushing to slap a label on this thing, take the opportunity to be romantic. Get to know each other on every possible level and find out if you want the same things in your futures. If you progress too fast you run the risk of becoming bored well before your time at a distance is up, and that makes the whole thing much harder, so let this love between you grow in its own time. Trust yourselves, you will know.
As for many long distance relationships not working out, that’s true. But many near-proximity relationships also don’t work out. That’s why we date before we marry people, so we have the chance to get out of relationships that won’t work in the long haul!
