Miss You Issues: To Know If You Know - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My name is Cleo. I am 17 years of age and in 2015, I met the love of my life.

It was a significant day in May where a guy friend of mine created a group with me and other people I didn’t know. The idea of the group chat was to meet new people. I met Sam. We spent weeks talking and we enjoyed each other, he asked me out and we have been dating since then. We have never met, never touched or even kissed but the past year and a half, it has been feeling good. He has told his mom and family about me and I am still scared to tell my mom but he is willing to wait. He is all the way in Zimbabwe and I am in South Africa. We plan on meeting but I don’t know when and how. He is talking about marriage but I always ask myself if it’s worth it. Am I not being fooled? I know this relationship is a catfish but what can one do when they are in love with someone they have not met and yet and is it true love or just infatuation because all we do is flirt, share almost everything we do and it gets to moments where he wants to see my body. I love and miss him always…it gets so bad when I know I can’t get a hug from him but I love him regardless. He has tattoos and what not but I love him like that. I am in love with him or am I in love with the idea of being in love? Am I not too young to be in love and what if he is not what I expect? Did I not rush too ahead of myself and meeting him feels like forever.

Please help.

Cleo

Dear Cleo,

I feel it takes a certain level of maturity to question yourself in this way and to admit that maybe you don’t know everything about each other or everything about love yet; the fact is none of us know it all, and even after a couple of decades you may still surprise each other with this or that quirk you hadn’t shared before.

I generally have faith in the goodness of people and like to trust them until they prove I should not. If he has given you no reason to suspect he isn’t being his true self online then chances are that this is a genuine attraction. Finally, meeting will help you prove it to yourselves once and for all but until then remember that this is real life. The internet is not a virtual reality, the people you interact with are still real people. The impact you have on each other’s lives are still real and the emotions you experience, as confusing as matters of the heart can be, are also real.

There’s no such thing as “too young for love.” I believe that’s something worried parents tend to say when they actually mean “too young for sex.” (You can definitely be too young for sex!) Small children show love. Animals show love! It is nature. Instinct. Yes, it can be hard to navigate dating when you first start out, but that’s due in part to inexperience too. You are not less able to love because of your age.

The great thing about having a LDR as a teenager is that it forces you to slow down and really get to know each other. It forces you to learn how to communicate deeply and effectively; these are the real skills you will need if you plan to marry as an adult. I think you should trust your instinct not to rush into marriage. I’ve never met someone who regretted waiting to marry, but I sure know a lot of people who regretted rushing in.

You mention how sometimes he wants to see your body. That’s pretty damn normal. It’s normal for you to be curious about his body too. There’s nothing wrong with feeling attraction or arousal. It’s understandable if you both want to experiment or bring that level of intimacy into your relationship, just as it’s cool if you’re not ready for that and you choose to wait. If you do decide to share photos of a private nature take steps to protect yourself such as not having your face or identifying marks (tattoos, obvious scars, birthmarks etc) in the image, and of course make sure you are legally old enough to do so in both your countries. If you don’t want to, under no circumstance should you be coerced into sharing any. It’s your body continue to say no and expect respect!

Lastly, tattoos are not just for prison inmates and sailors anymore. They don’t denote a certain type of person. Their presence should not indicate a need for caution. Lots of boring, safe people have tattoos, myself included, so don’t go judging him (or anyone else) on their appearance.

I don’t feel like you are rushing anything. Trust yourself a bit more, you’ve got this!

Dear Miss U,

Long distance has been hard. We both just started college, him at ASU and me at U of A. In the first few weeks, he wouldn’t make time to call, I would always text first, and he wouldn’t tell me if he was busy making me worry when he missed plans to call each other. I called him out on it, and he made it better, sort of. I sprained my ankle and I texted him “Can’t walk anymore” and he responded “Swag”. We were on a call with each other and it was a fine conversation until he said, “So I was at dinner with this guy and I looked over his shoulder and I see this stick thin girl with… G, H… like I cup, bigger than my head boobs.” He was describing checking out another girl to me! On that night I tried to break up with him.

Finally, finally, that made him realize how much pain I was in, so he fixed everything: he calls, he texts, he Snaps, we plan visits.

But I was still sad. Whenever he described his time at ASU I felt like it one-upped U of A and I was seriously considering transferring, even though this is the best school for me and that would be a very hard transfer. I didn’t want to hear about his life anymore, and he was making me sad all the time because nothing was wrong but the distance, and now we are on a break for a month, no talking, the ability to date other people. I got three hours of sleep last night. I feel depressed, and wrong. I want to find myself and make sure I want to be with him forever but that would go against everything I’ve been feeling.

Pendulum

Dear Pendulum,

I can see how the change to having a LDR has distressed you and I’m sorry for your pain, I hope that I can reassure you in some way or give you some tools to cope. It’s actually really great that you were having issues but you talked it out and resolved it. It might have taken him a little while, but he got your message and stepped up his boyfriend game. That’s actually a big deal! What you need to realize though is that our emotions take time to recover, and while they do we are responsible for nurturing that healing within ourselves and being fair to our partners by not punishing them for the past. He can’t change the past so hanging onto those hurts does nothing except undermine his current efforts. In short, you need to learn to let things go.

Secondly, he’s in a relationship, not blind or dead. He is going to notice other people. Chances are so will you. Personally, I think it’s positive that he’s honest and open enough to speak to you about anything and everything – including the massive chest on some random person he’s never going to see again. Honestly, sometimes you can’t help but notice people. Some people are really very eye-catching. It doesn’t mean anything.

Sometimes Mr. E will notice another person, either because they are attractive or for the opposite reason, and he will mention them to me. I generally take it as an opportunity to insert a feminist comment reminding him that her body is not for anyone else’s viewing pleasure, or to remind him “she probably has a wonderful personality too” before agreeing or disagreeing and moving on. It isn’t a big deal because neither of us makes it into a big deal. He isn’t going to leave me because some woman (who might not even be single or attracted to him) has better legs than me, just as your boyfriend isn’t going to leave you for some girl just because she has mammoth breasts. He is attracted to you on many levels. He loves you. There isn’t a threat to your relationship here.

Beyond that, HE was not MAKING you sad. His enjoyment his life and the university he chose is not an attack on you. Your inability to be happy for him says a lot more about you than it does about him. Sometimes even in near proximity our partners have something we envy a little or are spared problems that we have to face and it isn’t a nice feeling but resenting them doesn’t make life any easier for us. It doesn’t make us more successful, and why would we wish unhappiness upon the ones we love? Blaming each other has no benefit. If you do decide to get back together after this break, remember that you’re on the same team, not competing against each other. I’d also advise that unless you can let go of the past and start new with him, putting all past transgressions from your mind, don’t bother continuing on together.

To make a relationship work you need to be able to forgive a little and to choose to be happy*

* I recognize that in cases of mental illness/ medical depression a person can’t choose to get better. Generally speaking, we do have some level of control over our emotions and attitudes. Happiness and love can both be choices as much as feelings.