Dear Miss U,
I’ve lived in America for five years, so all we have ever known is long distance. We’ve had our problems in the past but now we are through all of that and stronger than ever. I recently came back out to America for a job after graduating from university here. My partner lives in England. We are both doing really well in our jobs and lives. I’ve just been offered an extension by a few years on my current visa by my work, but I don’t know how much longer I can live without my other half. I love my job it’s a dream, it’s becoming incredibly hard to choose the love of my life or my job. I fear if I choose to stay here for another two or three years my girlfriend will leave me as we can’t move forward together. But job opportunities at home don’t compare to the USA. Stay in the US and possibly lose my other half or find a new job that won’t give me the satisfaction and be happy with my girlfriend?
Frube
Dear Frube,
Your dilemma is such a wide-spread problem faced by people in long distance relationships. Even in near proximity relationships it can be hard to find that balance, but find it you must. As you’ve mentioned your girlfriend isn’t going to wait around forever. So, how much does this relationship mean to you? She must be something special if you’ve stuck out the distance for so many years!
I can’t make this decision for you, or anyone else facing the same issue. What I can say is this: Life is what you make of it. Situations are what you, and the others involved, bring to them. Life is, to me, about people. It’s the people that make the difference.
Look too at what options you might not have explored. Is she open to living in America for some length of time, either now or in the long-term future? Can you make your own opportunities back home with the skills you’ve gained working abroad? I don’t know what field you work in, but would it be possible to work for yourself?
Discuss this with her, and see if there is a compromise of some sort, but in the end you have to do what you have to do. Would you prefer to find a new girlfriend or a new job? Which is the lesser evil to you?
Dear Miss U,
Everything me and my girlfriend speak I always end up having to or wanting to apologize for something I did 3 years ago. I joined the army after high school and broke up with not because I wanted to but because I thought she deserved better than for me to drag her through the whole army girlfriend/spouse life. Then after 10 months of being 10,000 miles away from home, being shot at and blown up made me realize I can’t do this or anything for that matter without her in my life. So we got back together and I feel like she still holds resentment for this one life changing mistake. When should I just stop apologizing and just confront her on this anger she holds towards me and this poor decision and move forward in our relationship?
Nick
Dear Nick,
When? Now! Stop apologizing now, and call her on her anger. You made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. You were trying to do what was best, even if it turned out to be wrong. You didn’t deliberately harm her, and as more time passes she should be able to see that you have no intention of letting her go again.
Talk it out, find out if she is actually holding onto resentment, or if you’re seeing something that isn’t there because you feel guilty; and don’t be afraid to suggest couple’s counseling if you think the two of you aren’t going to be able to resolve this.
Dear Miss U,
I have a great boyfriend, we’ve met IRL one year ago and was very close since the beginning but decided to start dating after second meeting.
He’s great, all I ever wanted and more. He’s also my best friend.
The thing is I was married for 10 years, not happily, and right now it seems to me that the whole relationship is totally out of this world, impossible. We are discussing things if we disagree, are respectful, caring, we connect on an amazing level, have similar interests, hobbies etc.
Everyone around and the pessimist in me tells me it’s so good because we are apart, that it will get worse. Also because my other experiences.
Is it possible to have what you always dreamed about? Is it possible to not fight with the SO, to have so much in common?
Also is it possible to get way worse after 1 year of being perfect?
Thanks,
Happy Girl
Dear Happy Girl,
Good on you for finding happiness! That is fantastic.
It truly is hard to let go of that worry that everything is going to fall to pieces. What’s more it can be hard to enjoy being happy and stable without deliberately (often unconsciously) creating drama if that’s all you’re used to. It took me a long time to learn not to go looking for trouble that wasn’t there and just be grateful.
Enough about me.
To answer your questions, yes it is totally possible to have what you always dreamed about. Real love does exist. The kind of love that comes with respect, passion and communication.
People say “everyone fights” but the truth of it is plenty of relationships get by fine without descending into screeching and name-calling. There’s nothing wrong with a relationship where people rarely bicker, instead talking through their issues like adults.
It’s also possible to meet someone that has a lot in common with you. Just remember to do some things separately anyway, it keeps you interesting and gives you stuff to talk about.
And yes, it is possible for it to get way worse after a year of being perfect. But it’s not probable. It does no good to assume that your luck will run out and this relationship will go to shit. Like any good thing, relationships take some maintenance, but if you look after it, it can stay perfect forever. Don’t let go of the things that are working for you.
Your relationship isn’t going to deteriorate just because you close the distance when you do. It is true that you will both need to adjust, but if you keep talking through things problems hardly have a chance to develop.
Give thanks, and enjoy being happy. Don’t you think you’ve earned it?
