Dear Miss U,
I am feeling very frustrated… My boyfriend and I are currently long distance. He lives in Greece, I live in the US. I have gone to visit my boyfriend twice, (and of course the plane tickets are not cheap) and total I have stayed with him for 6 months… I even went out of my way and became a Greek citizen so that way I can stay in Greece for as long as I need without any legal issues. I am now back in the U.S. because my brother is getting married, and I am unable to leave… My problem is that I feel like I have done most of the work in this relationship. I have done all the traveling, waiting around for him to get off work while I was visiting him, and basically going through a lot of the hardships… I told him it would mean the world to me if he came to see me for my brother’s wedding. I even offered to pay for his ticket, but he insists that he wants to pay for it himself, but first he needs to make the decision on if he wants to visit or not… I asked him what is holding him back and he said the cost of the plane ticket, and the risk of losing his job. He is in the Greek air force, and fixes the airplanes… The comment he made hurt me a little, because it’s so important to me that he comes to visit me, because I have visited him so many times. I gave up my job, leaving my family, and my every day life to go and see him… How do I tell him how I feel without coming off too strong, and harsh? And am I asking too much for him to come?
Kat
Dear Kat,
Perhaps he is afraid that if he comes for the wedding you will expect him to stay a long time, just as you have done when you have gone to see him, which would indeed be asking too much. If however you are simply asking a week or two at the time of the wedding then no, you’re not asking too much. For a start weddings are important events and besides that it would be a marvelous opportunity for him to meet members of your family he may otherwise not have the chance to, if they don’t live locally to your family.
If you are ever to settle down together it’s important that he knows your people, your homeland. It helps our partners understand and support us. So, if he’s going to have to make this trip eventually, why not for your brother’s wedding? What good would come from waiting?
I can’t honestly see why he’d lose his job over this unless he has already taken large amounts of time off. Most jobs do give vacation time or allow unpaid holidays. You’ve offered to help financially, so the money isn’t a good excuse.
I encourage you to talk to him again and remind him how important this is to you. Tell him you’re frustrated because you’ve never hesitated to make him a priority in your life and that it hurts you to think he’s not as invested in this relationship as you are. Don’t go bringing up how you left your job for him, and your everyday life, however. Yes, you did these things in part for him – for the relationship – but you also did them for yourself, because you wanted to. It was your choice, assuming he didn’t coerce you in any way, and so it would be wrong of you to use that against him.
Dear Miss U,
I Leave In February to Morocco from America to marry the love of my life a lot of my friends and family have their negative opinions about what I’m doing…I would like to know yours. We met online. I’ve been through 2 bad relationships the first one was with my 2 kids father we were together for 14 yrs and he put me through hell I used the second man as a fall back not knowing that I just wasn’t used of being alone now I’ve been single for a while and I met him he never had any intentions on coming to America. I’m not rich I’m a single mother of a 12 & 13 teen yr old we talk everyday all day we have each other’s Facebook passwords I’ve never felt so happy & loved. He is Muslim but doesn’t follow the religions ways to the fullest he’s kind sweet Loving I have trust issues from my ex & he goes above & beyond to saw me he’s not like my ex it’s really sweet I know he’s not with me for money or to come to America because he said maybe one day we would move back to his country he has the most Loving family and they have accepted me with open arms he has learned to speak English for me he bought my wedding rings am I doing the right thing by following my heart and going and getting married to this man next month please give me your expert Advice should I listen to my friends and family I’ve never done anything like this before in my life this is so out of my character I just feel so strongly about him thank you for your time
Sincerely,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
I have a few key questions to help me answer your letter. Have you met in person before? If the answer is no, then I believe it is a terrible idea to get married during this visit. It’s never a great idea to marry someone you haven’t actually met.
Now, I met Mr. E online. I loved him before I saw him, and believed him to be a good person. But when I went to stay with him, meeting in person for the first time, there were still things that surprised me. There were things that alarmed me that were so normal to him it never occurred to him to warn me – and we are both from countries with similar cultures and the same language. I can only imagine how much more there would be to learn if this were not so.
It turned out that Mr. E was as great as he made himself out to be online – in fact he was even more so. He was and still is perfect for me. But that didn’t mean we were ready to make a marriage work. We didn’t know each other well enough, and we didn’t know what we needed from each other well enough. We didn’t know what to expect from each other in day-to-day life. In fact, when we finally lived together we didn’t know how to have fun outside of traveling, we didn’t know how to talk through problems face to face. We’d never had to! We’d always been online!
So as you can see there’s a lot to learn, things that you can only learn by spending time physically together. I always tell people to have at least two long visits (a month or more) and to each see the other’s country and family before getting married. It’s also really important to get your kid’s thoughts and feelings on this issue; you might need to slow down and give them a chance to be comfortable. Let this be positive for them too.
I’m not one of those parents who think we should let our children dictate our lives. You’re the adult, you decide where the family will live, what food there will be, whether or not they have their own phones or TVs… But I do believe they deserve respect and I think that they should have their feelings recognized. They may need support or may have questions that should be addressed to help them cope with the change. Kids who are coping well tend to be less of a handful, after all!
I also need to ask what the rush is. You’ve only been together a year, and long distance at that. Marriage is forever, and if you’re going to be together forever anyway, you have all the time in the world to get married. If you waited a few years you’d even be able to save up the money to have some of the people dearest to you there. You kids. Your best friend. Maybe your parents or favorite aunt. Weddings are the joining of two families just as much as they are the union of two people, so to me it doesn’t make sense for only one family to be represented.
There was a time I wanted to get married and my family were hesitant. They could see things I couldn’t, of course. I was too close to one tree to see the whole forest. And at that time my mother asked me a question, something that stuck with me. Something I asked myself again when I finally was getting married (to Mr. E) She’d asked why. Why do you want to get married?
Don’t say “because I love him.” I knew instantly that would be the wrong answer. And it is, because love isn’t enough. A relationship – a marriage – can’t survive on love alone. Some days you won’t love him. Some days you will have to choose to love him. There needs to be more than love holding this together. I can’t tell you what the right answer is. I imagine it’s different for everybody. But I feel it’s important to know why you’re talking this step, and why you think now is the right time.
Finally, ask your family why they don’t support you. Is it because they fear you will move away? Is it because they are afraid he’s a bad person because you met online? Do they not want you marrying a Muslim? Is it a paltry excuse like one of these, a fear based in prejudice or ignorance, or is there something they might have seen in the forest that you didn’t because you’re too close to the tree?
Things like being worried about the way he treats you or the things he has said (that you’ve repeated and told them about perhaps) are valid. If they are genuinely concerned about your happiness, you should hear them out.
At the end of the day this is your life, you need to live it for you, but in my opinion no harm ever came from waiting a little while.
