Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met online and had an instant connection. We’ve been together for over a year now, and yet we have not yet visited one another. He keeps saying that we’re going to do it soon; however it has not happened yet. He’s a single dad, and scheduling and finances have been an issue. I have offered to come see him, and he continually says ok, we’ll make it happen. It hasn’t. He keeps alluding to our future together, and us being married, but that would mean we would have to be in the same physical proximity. We talk at least 4 times a day, text more than that, and we share every aspect of our lives with one another; everything accept physical intimacy. I’m not concerned about him cheating. I trust him. But I want to know what I should do to make it clear that we need to see each other ASAP. I’m not big on ultimatums, but I’m at my wits end. Should I give him a “due date” to make it happen “or else”…or should I continue to be patient and hope it happens without doing that? I have expressed my desire for us to spend time together/go on a vacation or something numerous times, and then I’m let down. I am in love with this man and I know he loves me. But how much more can I take? It’s been a year
– Testy In Texas
Dear Testy,
My advice would be to take this one on yourself. Tell him you’re coming to see him. Book your own hotel and arrange your own travel – then just show up. You don’t really need him on board for it, you don’t need to ask him to pitch in (this is ideal if visits become a frequent thing, but for a first meet it’s not a big deal. Especially if his lack of money is slowing things down.) Women can and do pay for dates as often as men nowadays. Don’t let excuses hold you back. Pick a weekend, give him warning, and come hell or high water follow through. Even if you only end up getting a few hours together it’s worth it. In relationships that begin online that first meet is a huge milestone, and it’s often the changing point. After the first meet the long distance becomes harder, people realize what they’ve been missing, and it can give both partners that extra boost to put the time and effort into future visits and eventual closing the distance.
As always, when meeting someone from the internet for the first time, please make sure to do so in a safe public place.
Dear Miss U,
I met my boyfriend in Costa Rica last summer, and we sustained a close friendship for about six months. About three months ago it started to get really serious and turn into a relationship. Now we both want to see each other again, but we have a pretty strange situation.
Basically, he can’t come here without going through a lengthy and expensive visa process, so we both decided that it would be easier for me to go to him. The plan, at this point, is to go stay there, do some volunteer work for an undecided amount of time, and see how our relationship unfolds as I’m “living” there. But that is a huge trip, and I am a broke college student. I simply don’t have the means to fund a trip like that. So is it fair to ask for help from him? He has offered before, but I always say no because it makes me feel bad (He doesn’t make a huge amount of money either.)
What would be a fair way to go about this? How much is reasonable to ask for, and which expenses should be split and which should I pay for myself? Should I even ask for help at all? I’ve just never done anything like this, it’s a lot to ask, but I also feel like if we did this together, it would also make me feel more comfortable that he really wants this too.
Anyway, what do you think?
– Julia
Dear Julia,
I think it’s perfectly reasonable that he would take a part in this financially, as this move would be for the both of you and your relationship. It’s not a holiday that you’re taking for fun and to make yourself happy – it’s for both of you, to determine if you have a future.
I can only assume that he will be supporting you while you live there, and if this is the case, I would suggest you cover the costs of your flights/visa/medical yourself – or only ask for a small contribution towards them (Say less than $500). If he’s not supporting you on the other hand, I would suggest that he pay half of all expenses, just as you will pay half of all expenses from your savings during your stay.
Finally I would like to share 2 Time Zones Away this blog with you, it contains the experiences of one of LFAD’s forum members who has gone through the visa process and is currently living in Costa Rica. You may find it helpful to read other people’s experiences and surround yourself with positive examples.
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