Dear Miss U,
I met my significant other on a dating website about 6 months ago and decided to be in a LDR two months ago. Everything has been great between us so far, we’ve sent each other letters, try to talk everyday if possible. I’m planning on making the 9 hour drive to meet her, so I told her I set aside a weekend and was looking at hotels.
She seemed appalled that I was planning on staying for 3 days. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that she would limit to our first visit to be 3 or 4 hours. I tried convincing her otherwise, saying that I wanted to get the most out of the visit since she lives so far away. She started coming up with excuses like she would be busy and may not be able to see me that much (which is true, she is very busy) and that “she’s had bad things happen in her past and wants to be cautious.”
I’m okay with her being cautious, we can meet in a public place and plan ahead of time what we’ll do. But am I in the wrong? I thought I was her boyfriend, not a stranger by this point and I thought she should trust me and at least be a little more excited about me visiting her in person.
I’ve given it thought and I’m okay with getting a hotel for one night and leaving it as a one-day visit, but does it still sound a little fishy? Do you have any advice for my first visit with this girl?
– Andrew.
Dear Andrew,
You’ve known each other, exclusively online, for a mere six months. For all intents and purposes you are a stranger. There’s something you need to understand about women – especially ones who have “had bad things happen in the past” – many of us are keenly aware that we do not have the ability to protect ourselves from members of the opposite sex. Some women are skilled fighters or have impressive physical strength, but very few could confidently take on an average guy. So we protect ourselves the best way we know how: but not trusting too soon or blindly.
There are other things that she is likely considering; such as if you don’t hit it off in person she doesn’t want to feel guilty that you’re stuck in her area and she doesn’t want to have to hide at home to avoid you. It’s possible she doesn’t want to seem needy or for things to be so full-on that she scares you away either. It’s actually quite normal for first visits to be a few short hours. What would be fishy is if afterwards you continue to date and she expects the same brevity for your second visit. Listen to your instincts, if something still feels like it’s not what it should be trust yourself on that, but don’t start worrying about what you’re entitled to as her boyfriend until you’re both somewhat comfortable in each other’s presence.
I recommend staying the one night and letting her know you’d be interested in seeing her a second time before you leave, but letting the decision to be hers.
Don’t pressure her and be your usual charming self. Everything else will fall into place.
Dear Miss U,
I am in love and I want nothing more than to be with the man I love. We are living on different continents and visa and work permit issues make it difficult to plan moving to one or the other. We both need and want to work, but be together in the same place. We talk about it in general terms, but I find it hard to talk in more details, or to talk about concrete solutions. I don`t want him to think that I am in a rush, I know it will take time and I am not in a hurry, I know it is worth every moment to wait until I can be with him, but I think it is important to start talking about getting to the same place, because any option – work or study or moving to the same place – would take months if not years to realize. How is it best to balance or initiate a conversation on this issue? Should I just wait and see or should I talk about it even if this might distress him and make him think I am in a rush and I am forcing him to take a decision? I would appreciate any advice or just hear about other similar experiences.
Thank you
– III
Dear III,
Tell him exactly what you said here. Start with something along the lines of “I’m not in a hurry, I don’t want to rush in to anything like a fool and I have no intention to put pressure on you…”
Before you have this conversation, put in some research and figure out what options truly stand before you. In most situations work visas are the hardest to get, as the person needs to have a skill that country is seeking, and they need to show they are better at it than someone the company could hire locally. Working holiday visas are a very popular, low-pressure option that many people in long distance relationships start out with, so see if there is a working holiday visa option open to you. It will allow you to test-run this relationship for a long enough period of time so that you can discern if uprooting your life is truly what you want to do. If there are no working holiday programs available, it can take months just to gather the documents you need for a family class/spouse visa, and the sooner you start collecting your evidence the better off you will be. Knowing your options will help you not be so intimidated by the future and will give you the ability to present him with realistic time frames.
Just be honest, and be yourself. You should never feel afraid to talk to your partner.
