Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met my sophomore year of high school and have been dating ever since. When I was deciding where to go to college, he encouraged me to go wherever I wanted, even if it meant far away from him, if it would mean I would be happy. I chose my dream school in SC, 2,000 miles away from him. The first semester was hard, but we made it through. I started working and he has a job that he doesn’t like asking time off from especially now that he is moved out and paying all his own expenses. He visited me once in SC, but unfortunately I was unable to visit him due to money issues and the fact that I was in classes all the time. When I came back for Winter Break, it was wonderful. I got to see him again and we were happy and talking about marriage (yes, I am very aware of how young we are). But after I left the second time, things changed. This last semester, things have been rough. We fought all the time. Neither of us was happy with the distance and neither of us visited the other. The only solace has been the fact that when his lease is up with his apartment, he is moving to SC. When I got back for the summer, I figured that everything would go back to normal, but nothing feels right. I can’t tell if we just aren’t used to being together anymore or if we just shouldn’t be together. I love him and I can’t imagine my life without him in it. But right now, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if the distance caused the issues or us. Please help my confused mind.
– Confused
Dear Confused,
All relationships go through rough patches, the trick is to work through them rather than letting them destroy you. Firstly, you need to figure out how he feels. Hopefully that’s as straight forward as asking, but if there’s a lot of hurt built up, you may have to promise that he can speak his mind and you won’t fight with him over it, no matter what he says. Sometimes when things have been rough, it’s hard to open up and make ourselves vulnerable, but until both parties do so the thorns in the festering wounds can’t be pulled out.
He may be struggling more with the distance than he thought he would. He might just need to hear “I’m sorry I moved away, I didn’t realise how hard it would be, and I appreciate the sacrifices you are making to move to SC.” He might just need reassurance that you want him there and in your life. Or there might be something completely different that he needs to work through with you. There might have been something hurtful said in a past argument that he can’t get past – and maybe that’s true for you too.
Lastly, I know how challenging finances are and time restraints, but visiting needs to be a priority. Even one visit can reinforce that feeling of being valued and included in a partner’s life. You might be only able to manage a weekend. You might have to pool resources or sell a few old books/DVDs/whatever on ebay to make it happen. But do make it happen.
Fun is crucial to relationships. Doing things that are fun together, either at a distance or in person, helps you both remember why you like each other. Fun is not a waste of time and money, it is an important part of well-being. So hash out all your issues, calmly, in a non-accusatory fashion; ask him what he needs and what you could be doing better, and plan something fun.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
I live in California, and my guy is out in Virginia. We rarely fight but when we do it’s a huge ordeal. He always threatens to “expose” things I’ve sent him to my family, friends, and even to my workplace. He never does, but each time we argue he ups his game to scare me. Sending me screenshots of things I’ve sent him. Recently he has spoken to me about coming to see him this summer, and although it would be a LDR girl’s dream…I’m not ready for that step. How can I tell him I don’t want to meet him yet without making him explode? Is he going to hurt me next time he gets mad?
Janey Boo
Dear Boo,
I’m sorry sweetheart, but this is a really big deal. It’s never ok in a relationship to fear your partner. When this happens you need to ask for help and get the hell out of there. I know you are probably overwhelmed by love and it’s hard to comprehend, but this is the start of a dangerous and abusive relationship. You’re less than half a year into this thing, and already he has you feeling like this. You can do better.
But what about these things you have sent him? Obviously I don’t know what they are, but I’m going to guess they are incriminating photos of a sexual nature, which at your age are illegal for him to possess or distribute. He can go ahead and threaten all he likes, but authorities are likely to take his possession of these things very seriously – especially if you’re not the only girl he’s keeping under age photos of.
The important thing to remember here is that everyone makes mistakes, and the mistake of giving out incriminating digital media is becoming more and more common. You’re not alone in this, and many of us are cringing along with you.
So what do you do? Personally, I’d warn my closest friends that this had happened. They should have your back, they are your mates. Ask them to please just delete anything that he sends, or better yet to block him from contact entirely. Explain that he becomes nasty and threatening, and that they can support and protect you in this way.
I would also choose an adult that you trust to confide in. I know, you probably think I’m delusional right now, but I’m really not. A trusted aunt, or even your mum, will likely have sympathy and want to protect you. They will be angry at him, and possibly a little disappointed in you, but overall they will be relieved that you had the maturity to recognise this relationship is toxic and to ask for help. They might know what legal recourse you can take to protect yourself from the things he has threatened you of, or at the least they can buy ice-cream and watch break-up movies with you.
If you are worried about how to start this conversation, I would suggest something along the lines of: “Hey Mom/whoever, I need your help with something. I understand that you are going to be disappointed and angry, but I’ve made some mistakes and now I’m very scared. I need help, not ridicule. I’m coming to you because I trust you and you make me feel safe. Do you have time to listen to my story?”
I know we often think of adults as our gatekeepers, but they generally have our best interests at heart and they have worldly knowledge we do not. Speak to someone you trust.
Personally, I wouldn’t worry about him contacting your work place. I highly doubt he would, I think he is bluffing. But in the highly unlikely event he does, the very worst that will happen is you will lose your job, and you won’t be able to put that job as a reference on your resume. Embarrassment can’t actually kill us. Again, highly unlikely that he will do this, because he would be breaking the law, and your work almost certainly has filters for that kind of spam. No one in their right mind opens unsolicited attachments from unknown sources.
You are going to need to leave him though, because I promise you, he will only get worse the more control over you he gains. Do not let him further into your life, and don’t go visit him, I beg you.
