Dear Miss U,
Firstly thank you so much for all the advice you give! It has been so helpful.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We met while I was on an exchange in his country. Since I came back to mine we are on a long distance relationship. It’s really hard some days but I think we are not doing too badly. We have no idea when this distance will end because I am still in high school and he is going to Uni. Anyway, I recently asked him to give me his password for Facebook. We share all the other passwords and he knows mine. I already had his password but because I never used it I forgot it. I asked to have it again because even if I don’t use it, me having it means that he has nothing to hide. And well he refused to give it to me. Saying that he has issues with trust and decided that he would never give his password for Facebook. So I sort of got upset and we talked a lot about that and I explained why I wanted it and he doesn’t want to give it to you. I know he isn’t cheating on me, because I know him and he would not be capable to do that to me. But I feel like I can’t really trust him anymore and he doesn’t really trust me.. So I don’t know what to do, just let go and accept it or I don’t know, I don’t want to start a fight again. I hope you can help me, is it too much from me to except me to give me his password and am I right?
I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing but I don’t feel trustworthy anymore.. (hopefully my English is ok)
In love but insecure.
Dear Insecure love,
Your English is better than that which a lot of native speakers send me. I appreciate your effort to write clearly, thank you!
I feel you are making a big deal out of nothing. The only time I think sharing passwords is remotely necessary is if one or both of you have been unfaithful to each other in the past, or one of you is doing the other a favor. (For example, I know my best friend’s Facebook password because she struggles with technology and occasionally asks me to do things online for her. I don’t know Mr. E’s Facebook password, but I know the password for his phone because he has a better calling plan than I do, and he knows the password for my PayPal because it is practical for him to have that information.) So, if you don’t actually NEED the information and you’re not struggling to get past a recent infidelity, then no, there’s absolutely no reason for you to have his password or for him to have yours.
Trust is a strange beast. I get that you think if he trusts you he should give you his password. It makes sense. But you’re actually asking for MORE than just a password. You’re asking him to give up his privacy – and that is too much to ask. Our right to privacy helps us relax and feel safe, it helps us hold onto our own individuality. Additionally when he gives away his password he could potentially be breaking the trust of a dozen other people. Just because they have trusted him with their contact details doesn’t mean they also want you to have that same access. His conversations with them are none of your business either. What if one of his family members is asking him for advice on something really embarrassing? What if one of his friends is having trouble at home and turns to him for support? He is doing them a disservice by not protecting their secrets.
I know too many people who feel they can not speak freely because their partner might take something they have said the wrong way, because their partner is screening their calls, keeping tabs on their movements or controlling their friendships in other invasive ways. It’s not ok. Nobody needs that level of access to their partner’s life, and no one deserves that level of power and control. If you trust him you don’t need his passwords; and if you don’t trust him you shouldn’t be with him.
Being together does not make you the same person and does not mean you no-longer have privacy or autonomy. Beyond that, you should never give your password out over the internet anyway. I do find it a little weird that he gave it to you in the past and now won’t but it could just be he didn’t have the confidence before to refuse even though it made him uncomfortable.
Someone once told me “if you go snooping, you will always find something upsetting,” and I have found that to be true. Even if my partner isn’t actually don’t something wrong I still get uneasy, upset or offended over something small that I’m reading the wrong way and that is absolutely none of my business. I just wish at sixteen I’d been smart enough to write to someone for advice like you have been instead of needlessly hurting both of us by insisting that only people with something to hide need privacy. I was wrong. Don’t be like younger me!
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I are madly in love, so incredibly happy to have found each other. But we recently started an LDR and its revealing some things about the relationship that upset me. I just graduated college, but my boyfriend is still in school, studying abroad this semester in Rome while I’m home in Orlando, FL. Communication and trust is a big thing for me, especially now that we’re 5,000 miles apart, but it’s starting to feel one sided. We try to Skype when we can and message each other, but he will make promises to call me and then he won’t, promises to message me and he won’t. Will go out with his roommates and then be “too tired” to call me when he said he would earlier. He asks me to help him do something and I drop everything to help him. If he needs me to call him, or help him with an assignment, or make him feel better, I’m there for him in a second, despite the 6 hour time difference. Because I love him so much I’ll do anything to help him and make him happy. But I seem to be the only one committed to that. And this LDR is making that more apparent. Is it normal for a relationship to fall one sided sometimes? Or for one person to put more effort into it than the other? Is it a girl thing? Do women typically sacrifice more for their men than the man does for her? Or should I really feel bad because I feel horrible. It isn’t fair.
Frown in Otown
Dear Frown in Otown,
That’s a great alias!
Sometimes relationships do go a bit one sided for a little while, like if one partner is ill, or grieving a death, or going through exams, etc. Sometimes one partner simply has more time to put effort in, while the other does not. In my relationship with Mr. E when we were younger there were several long stretches where I carried the relationship. I would drop things to talk to him, but he would drop talking to me to hang out with his mates. I would send sweet gifts that took hours to make, he’d send emojis. Eventually it became apparent that the relationship simply meant more to me than to him. I needed it more than he did and I was willing to fight harder for it. I was ready to go deeper before he was, and I did wait a while for him to catch up. I got my feelings hurt a bit, but it turned out to be worth it.
Now, nearly a decade on, the tables have turned. I work ridiculously hard and am time poor. Once I get all the practical things done I don’t have time or energy for the nice things I used to do. I didn’t give him anything for our past two anniversaries, and I still haven’t written in the birthday card I bought him for last year. It’s his turn, and he isn’t letting me down. He plans romantic getaways, brings flowers, surprises me and is keeping our intimate life alive at a time where I’ve forgotten what a clitoris is even used for.
So yes, I think its ok for one person to carry the relationship for a little while, if there’s a good reason for it. I also think its normal for one person to be more committed than the other in the first couple of years. Sadly I don’t know how to articulate a way to tell if your partner will live up to his share of the relationship in the long run or not. Listen to your instincts on that.
As for it being a girl thing, some would say yes. I say IF it is, that’s because gender is a social construct and we are part of a ridiculously discriminatory culture. Your vagina doesn’t make you better at relationships, it just means that your whole life you’ve probably been socialized to place a lot of value on being a good (one day) wife. You may have been taught men are clueless in love and social situations while women are emotional and connected; whereas if we actually taught our sons to treat women like real people, perhaps that one-sidedness would cease to exist.
Trust me on this one thing: his penis has no effect on his ability to be a good partner. If you are unhappy and feel taken for granted and he won’t work with you to change that it isn’t just a “man thing” and you should look for someone who deserves your dedication. Women only sacrifice more in a relationship if they believe they have to.
It’s not normal or ok for you to feel horrible. Relationships are about meeting the needs of both people. If you feel taken for granted or neglected that’s a sign something needs to be fixed. Don’t just accept it.
