Dear Miss U,
It started out perfect as they all do it was long distance of course so it was tough but we got to know each other extremely well and found out we have many things in common. Soon became my lover and best friend we talked all day every day. So we decided to meet, so I put out the money for him to come see me, he stayed with me for about 4 months we enjoyed every minute of it, then I paid again for him to go back home Then he was going to start school and I was a bit nervous for him to be finishing his last year of high school, being my last relationship did not go so well so I already had trust issues He started school and everything seemed fine, until December we started arguing a lot which we never did before, then we tried taking a break did not work as we missed each other too much so we just tried to communicate and work it out. I decided to finally put all my full trust in him at this point Then Jan we fought again for 2 weeks straight Feb came around right after our anniversary and before Valentine ’s Day my world shattered. I had got a gut feeling to check his email assuming I wouldn’t find anything but I did he had been talking to a girl while we had been arguing this recent two weeks and he just recently confessed he kissed this girl, not only this but he was talking to another girl past Oct I don’t know what to do with what is left I feel I put so much out and got this but were so great together don’t know what to do he seems sincerely sorry and I want to work it out.
~ Diana
Dear Diana,
As harsh as this may sound, I do believe if you constantly harp at someone, accuse them of doing something wrong that they aren’t doing, or are constantly bringing up concerns about something they aren’t doing, eventually they are going to give up and just do it anyway. May as well get in trouble for something you’ve actually had the chance to enjoy, right?
I can only assume your jealousy issues are what were causing the arguments, because you did not say otherwise. If it is something else though, you really need to dig deep into what the fight was about and find a solution for it. Sometimes people blow up about the silliest things because there’s a bigger issue they have not addressed, so look critically at the argument and see what it’s really about. If you started the fight, examine how you are feeling and why. Once you figure out what the problem actually is, go to your partner and talk about it. Work on a solution that makes both of you happy. If it’s something that can’t be immediately solved, like you have baggage from a past relationship – you need to realise that and stop taking it out on your partner before you sabotage everything you have.
What you do now is you talk to each other. Let him tell you how he feels and why he went behind your back. Even if what he says is hurtful, listen to it, don’t retaliate. Try to learn from this experience. What can you do different next time?
It is entirely possible he’s just that type of person, and he is going to be unfaithful and you need to rely on your intuition to tell you when something isn’t right. Don’t give him a hundred chances and wonder why nothing changes – but do give him a second chance, and this time give him the opportunity to be faithful without piling suspicions upon him.
Give the benefit of the doubt.
Dear Miss U,
Recently I had to admit to my boyfriend that I have developed serious trust issues through-out this LDR. I’ve never visited his home country, never met his friends or family because of visa issues. He has never given me any reason to not trust him. At this point he has reached his breaking point and is ready to walk out on us. Can’t blame him I would do the same if I would be constantly questioned and annoyed with false accusations. I’ve promised to myself and him that I was going to change. I’ve been reading books, surfing the internet asking for advice for the last month and taking this change one day at a time. The only problem is that I feel as if I’m being tested constantly by my boyfriend. Every question that comes out of my mouth now even if is a simple conversation starter like “how was your day” is answered with “I though t you were going to change, why are you questioning me”. How do I tell him to have faith in me? How do I even ask anything without him feeling interrogated? I’m changing but my effort is being unnoticed PLEASE HELP ME I DON’T WANT TO LOOSE HIM.
Ruby Bear
Hola Ruby Bear,
Honestly, I do think you have a reason to have trust issues – you’ve never seen him on his home ground, never met his friends and family. That is a big deal; you learn a lot about someone through those experiences, so go easy on yourself. It’s also great you see there’s a problem and are working to fix it, but it looks like he needs to put in some effort too.
If it’s a normal question you would ask any friend, like “How was your day?” and he reacts badly, point out to him that he probably asks you and other people in his life what they have been up to, and it’s not a big deal. Clarify that you don’t want a play-by-play, you don’t need to know what time he got up, when he checked the mail and what’s on his TV – you’re just looking for the highlights and lowlights so you can feel a part of his life – and because it interests you! Point out to him that it would be strange to have a partner who didn’t care what you were doing with your life.
Also, look at the way your phrase your questions. A light-hearted “Been up to anything much?” might be taken better than “What did you do today?” and sharing your day first might also make it seem less inquisitor-like.
