Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year and a half. He is now a college freshman about an hour and 45 minutes away. I realize it’s not nearly as bad as a typical LDR, but it’s still distance all the same. I am a high school senior about to choose where to go to college. I have strongly been considering the college my boyfriend attends, but everyone around me disapproves. I am not choosing this school simply because he is there, but it is also an important factor. I like the school itself and it has the major I want. It’s just so difficult trying to choose when everyone around me is telling me to do the opposite of what I want.
College of choice?
Dear Choice,
Keep in the forefront of your mind that this is your life. You have to live it; no one else. Therefore your happiness is paramount. If your parents/guardians are helping pay for college then they do deserve some kind of a say in it, especially in the event one college is significantly more expensive, in which case you could discuss a compromise if you decided the more expensive school was the one you had your heart set on.
To make the choice, I recommend writing up a pros and cons list for each college. Getting your thoughts on paper in an easy-to-read format can be amazingly helpful.
Things to consider about your boyfriend’s college include what happens if you break up and would you be considering this college at all if not for him? Have you always thought about moving away to study?
Once you’ve drawn up a list of your thoughts, it might help to ask people why they disapprove of you choosing your boyfriend’s college or why they believe another one would be better. Listen to what these people have to say without getting defensive. Look for the truth in their words. Do some research to back up or disprove any claims they make that sound dubious. Be informed.
And then no matter which college you go with, know why you chose it, be firm in your decision and study hard. If it turns out to be a mistake that’s unfortunate, but chalk it up to life experience and move on. You’re young enough to make some mistakes without suffering for it; live the life you want to live!
Dear Miss U,
I just recently moved for a job to Sacramento, and he stayed in LA. I love him so much, but am having trouble checking in with him. He likes to know where I’m at and I don’t mind checking in, but when I forget to do so or I’m meeting with someone and don’t text him, he overreacts. He claims he’s worried, which I get. But then I feel bad and end up crying myself to sleep. I love this man. How can I fix this? Any advice to make this work?
Worried in Sacramento
Dear Worried,
He’s your boyfriend, not your dad, why are you checking in at all? I’m a firm believer that checking in is unhealthy. He doesn’t own you and doesn’t need to know where you are all day, every day.
What does he have to worry about, honestly? Are you so inept you’re going to forget to tie your shoes, lose your lunch and fall asleep at work every day? Are you working in a war zone or some other highly dangerous environment where he might legitimately be concerned for your life on an hourly basis? Are you so unworthy of trust that you’re going to be making out with some hottie you met at the water cooler if he doesn’t make you text him at 1pm sharp? No. Just no.
You don’t need a play-by-play of each other’s lives. Save talking about what you did and where you were for your nightly conversation unless it’s something he needs to know immediately.
Sometimes checking in is polite and necessary; here are some examples:
“Hey love, I’ll be late to skype tonight, my bus was full and I’m waiting for the later one”
“I just got out of that really important meeting. I feel like it went well!”
“Hey sweetheart, just letting you know the doctor doesn’t think it’s serious so you don’t need to worry. I’ll tell you all about it after work.”
“Sorry but I was running a bit behind today and didn’t send that package to your mom, I’ll let you know as soon as I do though.”
“I’m home now, so call any time you’re free.”
“Change of plans, going out for lunch. Call you later. Thinking of you xx.”
Here are some other examples, so that you can recognize the behavior of someone who is possibly being controlled by their partner:
“I’m at work. Got into the office at 7:15. I’m on my break now, lunch is at 1 and I’ll be sitting with Julie.”
“Hey, waiting for the train now. Sorry I didn’t message you I was working.”
“I’m on the train”
“It took me twenty minutes to walk from the train station to home. Ten minutes to shower. Then I straightened my hair, made a pot of coffee, fed the cat, took out the garbage and now I’m texting you while I pack my gym bag.”
“I’m at dinner with some friends. Yes, all female. I’ll send you a photo for your piece of mind.”
“I was talking with James about beaches. Don’t worry about him he’s underage/ homosexual/ really ugly.”
You get the idea.
Generally if you feel like you always have to justify yourself, if you’re worried about how your partner will react about something inconsequential or constantly find yourself messaging when it’s entirely inappropriate for you to do so (like when you’re out with a friend, supposed to be working, in a yoga class etc) then there’s a problem.
My best advice is to talk to each other about loosening the reins a little so that if no message is forthcoming there isn’t a reason to panic. It’s totally ok to have some privacy and a little mystery in your relationship.
Right now I assume that Mr. E is at work. But he might have gotten off early and gone to the pub, or he might be taking the car to the mechanic in his lunch hour. He might be talking to the lady who shares his desk, or he might be taking a dump. I don’t know. And it’s ok that I don’t know. If something of note happens, he will tell me about it later. He knows I was meeting a colleague today, but doesn’t know where or how long for or what we spoke about. When we’re at work, we are doing our jobs. He doesn’t message me to tell me he’s heading to the lunch room and I don’t call him to complain about how the article I just finished vanished into cyberspace and I’ll have to re-write it. Why? Because we respect each other’s right to a separate life. We understand that while we are at work we are expected to be professional and that doesn’t include texting our significant others about things that really could wait. And lastly because we are confident that the trust between us will remain unbroken. We have earned freedom and privacy from each other. We’re on the same page about what is and isn’t acceptable within this relationship and we have faith that looking after each other’s hearts is a high priority.
I encourage both of you to live in the moment; to be wholly present where you are. There’s no need to be constantly checking your phone, no need to feel afraid or guilty if you’re too busy living your life to talk about it as it happens. Set aside more time to be together to talk and share all the little things. Make time to give each other the same complete focus you’ll give your work, friends and family. By all means let each other know what tomorrow’s general outline will be like; but when tomorrow comes, go and live it, then tell each other about it later. Or if you get a moment share the exciting things – the this-made-me-think-of-you moments, the funny stories, the uncanny photos, the it’s-such-great-news-it-can’t-wait announcements – but if the majority of the time you’re texting because you feel like you have to, you are doing it wrong.
Failing that, if all this advice falls on deaf ears (or blind eyes?) and you think I’m obviously out-of-touch with how things should be, then set a reminder on your phone or an alarm on your watch to jog your memory that it’s time to report again.
