Dear Miss U,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years now, and the majority of our relationship has been long distance. I live in NY, he lives in NJ. We met in school in NY during my last semester, I graduated, moved to Georgia for my masters, finished my masters, and am now back in NY.
He’s been living at home in NJ. Every year since he’s graduated he’s said that he is planning on moving to NY to be closer to me, his friends and to further his career. But time goes by and he does nothing about it. There always seems to be something in his way “I need a car” “I want to have more money before I move” “I want to have a steady job” “I don’t know where I should live.” I’ve helped him out as best I can…searching for cheap apartments, searching for jobs, helping him create a resume, looking for cars. I’ve suggested me moving to NJ to be closer with him but he says he wants to move here.
We’ve talked about marriage before and he said that I’m the one, but he says he’s not ready. I can’t help but feel that he’s putting all of these things off because he doesn’t want to marry me ever. I feel like our relationship is stuck, and I just want it to move forward, at least with him moving closer to me. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I’m feeling like things are hopeless and that we’ll be stuck like this forever. Are his current empty promises going to continue throughout our relationship? Should I give him an ultimatum of some kind?
~ JoJoBeans
Dear JoJoBeans,
Most of the time ultimatums are a bad idea, however you do get to a point where you need to lay it all out on the table and say “This is what I need, and if you can’t give it to me by [rough date] I’m going to have to find someone else who can, for my own well-being.” Be upfront about where your life is going, with or without him. I’m not saying “don’t compromise”, but he needs to know that you’re not comfortable stagnating.
It’s ok if he’s not ready to get married right now, just talk to him and ask him for an estimate of when he thinks he might be, again for your own piece of mind. Ask him if there’s an underlying reason for his delays in moving and reassure him if he is nervous.
If he hasn’t been the type in the past to leave promises unfulfilled, then I doubt he is stringing you along now. Listen to your intuition however, and do what needs to be done. You’ve been together long enough that you should not be afraid to broach these issues.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been in a long distance relationship since October 2011, and the first few months were great. We called each other, video chatted and IM’ed every now and then. But after the 3-month mark, things starting going downhill. I would ask him to talk on the phone or video chat or chat online, but he would always have an excuse. He was either sick or busy with chores. So, there came a point where I just stopped asking and he never asked if we wanted to have a “date” night. We’ve been texting for the span of our relationship. The one time he asked if I wanted to talk on the phone, we had an argument the night before and he didn’t call because he felt “unwanted.” I talked to him about this issue already, but I don’t think things are going to change. He’s busy with school and family, but he’s got to have a break in there somewhere. I have trust issues, so I keep thinking that the time he could be spending with me, he’s spending it with some other girl. It got to the point where I checked his Facebook every day, just to see if he was cheating on me. He never found out, but it bothers me that he never calls me or video chats with me, and we rarely talk online. Like I said, we mostly rely on texting. I feel like I’m not good enough for him. I know he’s trying to put in the effort, but I don’t think he knows what it means to have a girlfriend. I just wish he would dedicate me a little more time. What should I do? It seems whenever he focuses on one aspect of his life, he neglects others.
~ Kitty476
Dear Kitty476,
I think this is one of those things where it’s not about you at all. It’s got nothing to do with you not being “good enough” for him, and is more likely that he doesn’t really understand what is needed or expected of him in a relationship. He’s got a lot to learn. Try as you might, it’s almost impossible to have a long term fulfilling relationship via texting. You’re not pen-pals.
Personally I’d sit down and write him a long letter or email about the issue. Spell out for him what you envision your relationship should look like, and let him know if he’s not interested in having that, it’s time to let him go. Talk with him about his problem with getting tunnel vision, and his need to learn to balance the different aspects of his life because if he can’t figure that out at least on a basic level, he’s not going to get very far.
It really depends on him and whether he is willing to grow from this or if it will take losing you for him to realize how important the relationship actually was to him.
I also recommend working on your trust issues. Being constantly worried about your partner’s ability to be faithful is almost always detrimental to the relationship.
