Dear Miss U,
I met my girlfriend online about three months ago and we fell for each other pretty quickly. We live about four hours apart by car if it’s at all helpful or important.
But basically she and I really want to see each other and our parents both know about our relationship, however her step-dad doesn’t know about me and her mom said that we can’t see each other until she tells him.
She says that she is reluctant to tell him because he makes her feel bad pretty often and she’s not sure she’s ready to tell him yet.
As someone with some really bad anxiety, I assumed that this means she doesn’t actually want to see each other although I know that this isn’t the case, I can’t help but think about it.
I’ve asked her about when she’ll be ready to tell him so we can see each other, but she doesn’t know.
I really need something to look ahead to that is set in stone like a date that she’ll tell him by or the day we’ll get to see each other but she’s reluctant to plan like that and it makes it hard for me sometimes and it can cause panic attacks (which I have a lot but that’s a whole other issue).
So I guess my question is how should I get some kind of plan, and if I can’t how do I handle the uncertainty?
Guy who hates not knowing
Dear Guy,
As a suffer of anxiety myself a key statement I want you to remember is: It’s not always about you.
It’s easy to think that if people start laughing when you walk past that they are laughing at you, but in reality they are probably laughing at a joke you were out of earshot for. It’s not always about you.
Likewise it is easy to think your girlfriend doesn’t love you enough or doesn’t want to see you, but again, it’s not always about you.
Sometimes, in fact, it has nothing to do with you at all.
Think for a moment. She’s 15. If she moves out at 18 (which less and less people are able to manage it seems) that’s still three more years that her step dad can make her life hell if he chooses to. If she’s worried about telling him there’s probably a very good reason and you need to respect that and show her some support.
As much as she loves you and wants to see you, you aren’t there and you can’t protect her. Maybe right now the price is simply too high, especially seeming you have only been together three months. Likely she wants to be sure this relationship is going to last before she sticks her neck out.
There are going to be a lot of things in your life that you have no control over and I would recommend gaining a deeper understanding of your anxiety and the tools you can use to manage it instead of trying to manipulate events to your comfort, it will serve you better in the long run. I know it’s hard and I hope your girlfriend is ready to tell him soon, but in the meantime remind yourself: it isn’t about you.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past year. I’m confused about our distance and how we are moving along. He’s in Alaska, I’m in NY. Since we started talking we haven’t visited each other. While we were making plans last year he lost his job. He decided to switch careers and is regrouping. He doesn’t want me to visit unless he can pay for the cost of the trip. I get where he’s coming from but I don’t care. I just want to see him. We met 10 years ago, while he was dating a friend of mine. We started having in affair that lasted about 4 months. I confessed to my girlfriend, they had broken up by the time I told her. Over the past 10 years we stayed in touch. He would ask me out from time to time and I would turn him down. Last year when he asked again I thought why not give him a shot… He’s been the most consistent man in my life, in addition to being funny, kind, and thoughtful. My problem, the distance is driving me crazy and not seeing him. I don’t want to pressure him about a visit. Yet, how can I ‘wait’ on him with all these unknowns? Or what can I do to trust the process and let it unfold confidently. I feel kinda crazy just considering this relationship. I’m 35, he’s 38… I got eggs to think about. Am I wasting my time?
Sincerely,
Ticking in NY
Dear Ticking,
I personally find the excuse that he wants to be able to pay for the trip outdated. I’m sorry, its 2016, if a woman wants to travel and has the funds to do it she should do it. You don’t need no man’s money! I don’t think his pride is a good enough reason to not have any visits. He does realize that visits benefit both of you, right?
I don’t think talking through it again is pressuring because I feel that this is an issue that needs a better resolution. You have no idea how long he “won’t have the money” for. Why should everything else be on hold?
I guess I’m not a “trust the process” kind of person, because I encourage you to speak up and get your needs met. You do need to have a big conversation about eggs and timelines and I feel that might be best to do during or after a visit where you’ve reconfirmed that this is the relationship you both want to fight for.
I can’t tell you if you are wasting your time. Only he can tell you, or show you that with his actions. There’s obviously something powerful that keeps bringing you back together so maybe it is time to stop being afraid to have the hard conversations?
