Unpacking Questions

Greetings AnGie T,

My first thought here is that you can achieve quality time with others regardless of where they are in the world. Time focused on and connected to each other doesn’t need to be spent physically in person.

With that said, yes, another three years is a really long time. As a general rule, I counsel couples to prioritize being together first and then as a team chase their career dreams. I see that particular visa requires the applicant to have recently finished studying however, so him waiting for you might not be viable. Is it possible that he could come to Australia on a different visa at a later date?

If this is absolutely the only visa he’s guaranteed to get and you’ll miss your opportunity entirely if he doesn’t go right away, then he has to go. But I’ve been through Australia’s visa system personally and helped friends go through it too, so I find it hard to believe this is the only way forward. Determine if this is the only path, and if it’s not, weigh up the pros and cons of all your options.

Does being in your home country mean he is unable to work hard toward your joint future?

You’re planning to go to Australia in two years, could each of you compromise somehow and go together in one year? Can you make that work? Look at all your options. Look at what your priorities are. Then decide.

If you do end up having a six-year LDR, that’s not the end of the world. When you’re all settled down here in Australia, working jobs you love and drinking cappuccinos together in the shade of a gum tree on Saturday mornings, the years and dedication you put into your dream together aren’t going to feel like the struggle they were. You’ll be proud of how far you’ve come.

You’ve done this for three years already. You are the best person to determine whether or not you’re good at being a long-distance couple and whether you can endure another three years or not. Be honest with yourselves. If you can’t do it, admit it, and find another way.

Dear Amy,

If he sleeps with someone else, let’s hope he has the good sense to use a condom and care for her needs during the brief period of time they are satisfying each other. To me, it is more important to be a decent, honest human, than to worry about having casual sex when you’re single.

From your letter I can see you have a fairly typical view of sex and cheating. It’s a loaded subject that takes a lot more unpacking that what you and I will be able to do here today, so I’d 110% suggest getting in touch with a licensed counselor. You can even find them online these days.

I’m going to go over the way I see sex with you, so that you can (most likely) close the browser and mutter explicatives in my general direction. After that, maybe you’ll find something that will help you wrap your mind around what you’re going through.

Sex is an activity. It carries some risks, like STIs and possible children, but then, most other activities come with risks too. As it’s an activity, many people can do it without any emotional connection to the person(s) they are doing it with. Sex and love can go together, and sex with someone you love tends to be more satisfying (even spiritual) but those two things—love and sex—are not the same. They don’t require each other.

Just as you can have romance without sex, you can have sex without romance. You can have loyalty and trust with or without monogamy too.

What does this mean for you?

I think the place to begin is to accept that his sexuality and subsequent sex life has nothing to do with you. His actions are not a reflection of your value, whether you are together or not. What activities he does for fun and who with aren’t your business. Just like if you had sex with someone tomorrow, he’s got no right to be upset about that. You don’t owe each other anything.

That he cheated on you was shitty, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t learned from his lesson. His dishonesty doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, either, so if you’re feeling guilt or insecurity after having been cheated on, bring that up with your counselor. If you want to give it a serious go at getting back together in the future, you’ll want to make it clear you’re only interested in monogamy and put in place a strategy for if he does feel tempted. He’ll likely have grown up a bit by then, but it’s always good to just lay all your cards out on the table. Make it clear what you want, need, and expect and listen to his wants, needs, and expectations too. Figure out your roles in each other’s lives and what it will take for you to build a future together, because everyone’s relationship “contract” looks different.

For some people, cheating is a huge deal breaker. For others, not so much. I’m old. I don’t personally care if Mr. E wants to have sex with other people, but I do care if he lies. If he went behind my back it would be on like Donkey-Kong, but if he called me and said “hey, I think so-and-so is into me, can I...” then it’s a different story. I think it’s key to know why cheating hurts so much. Is it because you can’t/don't separate love and sex? Is it because of the lying? Is it because of the potential health risk? Is it something else? If you can pull it all apart and see how it works, sometimes that takes the sting out of things.

Even things like “why does the idea of him having sex with someone else during this deployment bother me?” If you can dig into your deepest why, you can gain back some of your power over the situation. For you to stop fretting over what he’s doing while away, I think you need to uncover your why. You need to ask, realistically, what would change is he was having sex. Personally, I don’t think it changes anything. Certainly not his completely unconnected feelings about you.

Does he respect you? Does he talk honestly with you? Will he work with you on this relationship? Are your goals as important to him as his own? Do you feel loved? These are the things I feel are worth worrying about – the things that happen between the two of you. If he’s a good, kind, respectful human; he’s good to his family and yours, and makes you feel wonderful, then pursue him. Court him. Ask him to be exclusive with you. In the meantime, work on yourself and being comfortable in your own head. While your anxieties are torturing you, trust within a relationship will remain elusive.

Lastly, you’re not silly. You’ve just got some insecurities (with good reason.) Good luck on your healing journey and your future relationship.