Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend told me that he is worried that in the future when we are older and married he doesn’t want to regret not having the chance to be “free” during his college days, but he says he does not want to have sex or any affair with other girls he just wants to be able to say he had the chance and didn’t take it. I am worried and freaked out do I let him do this?
Christina
Dear Christina,
This sounds really bogus to me. It sounds like he’s asking “Can we officially have an open relationship even though I plan to remain faithful?” and that makes no sense. I’m not particularly against open relationships or monogamish relationships, but something in this doesn’t seem right. What I see here is a young man who is trying to spare your feelings, but who is also trying to cover his own butt. If you agree to this; in the event he does decide to hook up with someone else no matter how hurt you are, he’s blameless because you said he could, even if you believed he actually wouldn’t.
Honestly, he “has the chance and doesn’t take it” every day. There’s nothing stopping any of us from having affairs, we just choose not to. We are essentially free to do it however. You could say he’s not free because his conscience wouldn’t be clean unless you had given him permission, but if you agree to him having sex with other people and he does it knowing that you’d be upset regardless, then it should still go against his conscience. He is no more “free” with your grudging acceptance than he is without it.
Before you “let” him do this, ask questions. Does this mean you’re getting equal freedoms? And how do you feel about him sleeping with other people? If you’re not ok with having an open relationship, say no. It would be stupid to agree to something you don’t actually agree with on the hope that the offer will never be taken up.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met around 7 months ago irl, been in a relationship for 6 though we are 5000 miles apart, and had been arranging to meet when he cheated. Two days ago, he was on a trip to the mall with his family. This girl B dropped by; B leaned in and kissed him while she drove him back home. He has continued seeing her, even to this day.
The BF wants an open relationship, since he feels “confused” as to what he feels for me and B. He’s mentioned in passing that B is quite a lot like me, which is what attracted him to her, and why he couldn’t refuse B’s kiss in the first place.
He did apologise (not profusely, tbh) and urged me to go on dates with other guys, which I’ve naturally turned down. He pointed out that he wanted physical contact and something “real” and that he loves me still. We’ve been having some problems the past two months, and I guess one of the reasons why this happened was because we didn’t really resolve said issues.
Miss U, we used to be one of the happiest, sweetest couples in the entire world, and I honestly adore him to bits still. Neither of us want to break up, yet he says he’s not sure if he doesn’t want to see B. We’ve tried to talk about it, but every time we do, it ends with him saying it’s complicated, and he feels so bad for being unable to choose.
I have four questions:
- How can my BF resolve his own mixed feelings?
- How can we work this out?
- Can we ever go back to the way we were?
- Is it too late?
Many thanks.
Anguished Anthropologist
Dear Anguished Anthropologist,
Your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too, by the sounds of it.
Let’s put aside what he wants for the time being. What do you want? What is best for you?
If you have nothing to gain from an open relationship, then don’t agree to one. It’s as simple as that. Break up with him, and later if he figures out it was you he wanted all along, if you haven’t found someone you love in the meantime, you can give this relationship another shot. You should not have to compete with another girl for your place at his side nor are you obligated to share your boyfriend with anyone, and as much as you love him, you’re entitled to someone who respects you enough and loves you enough that no one else compares.
I know that long distance makes it hard. Let me tell you a story.
Several years ago I was talking to this man thousands of miles away. We would send gifts, Skype for hours, and indulge in all manner of internet sexual activities. He declared his love for me. But he would never commit to me. And I watched him take partner after partner in real life, sometimes as relationships, sometimes as flings. All the while, it was me he’d call when lying in bed at night. It was me he’d make gifts for. Me he’d be writing to in the middle of his girlfriend’s party.
One day, I was so hurt, and I said to him “I feel like I’m a substitute girlfriend. I’m just the backup you use when you have nobody better!”
“No Missy” he said to me “They are the substitutes. When I have them, I’m only thinking of you.”
He wasn’t willing to commit to me because he didn’t want to go through his late teens waiting in abstinence for some girl thousands of miles away, and he didn’t want to have the guilt of cheating on me. This was his solution. He chose everyone local over me because it was easier, but in the end he found the satisfaction was empty. The only good that ever came from it was that when he finally did commit to me, he knew in his heart that there wasn’t anyone he wanted more, and he wasn’t settling or making a poor investment in me.
I know that there is a powerful draw when there are two prospective partners and one is local. It’s always tempting to go for the local one. Don’t we all want immediate satisfaction in our lives? Who wants to wait and be lonely if there is a chance you can have something just as good as what you’re waiting for but right away?
In answer to your questions, there is a variety of ways your boyfriend can resolve his mixed feelings. He seems to be going for the option of playing out both relationships and seeing which has the better potential. Other people may choose to cut contact with the person who is posing a threat to the relationship instead; or leave their current relationship to begin a new one. Some people would choose to see a counselor and talk it out. How he resolves this has no bearing on the decisions you must make for yourself however. You can not choose for him, or make his confusion disappear.There is no “we” for working this out; the problem is his. You can choose to have an open relationship, and hope his love for you wins out, but aside from being the best girlfriend you know how to be, in this situation you are more or less powerless. If you lived near proximity you might consider couple’s counseling, but it seems like he isn’t invested enough in this relationship to go that route.
I don’t see why you can’t go back to being the way you were, or perhaps even better. But that is likely to take some time, and no small amount of heartache. I honestly don’t think it is ever too late. Perhaps it is simply too early instead. Perhaps he needs to mature more, have a few more experiences and suffer a little heartache and regret before he will be ready to fully commit and have eyes only for a girl he doesn’t get to see nearly enough.
