Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have always talked about marriage. Since I’m moving to another country in the summer to start a new job, I thought and hoped, he would propose at least 6 months before. We had some issues surface and he felt it wasn’t right. Although he said he was going to do it in the same month he decided no he had no ring and no size. His mom got divorced around 12 years ago and never quite made a full recovery ( negative, sad, resentful) and in a few years she will lose her house because she has been lazy or easily demotivated about finding a job and I fear she might go to live with him (us if we are married),because of our religion difference it has been hard for him to be my boyfriend and not feel bad for wrong doing (because of the last two he won’t travel with me alone there must be a friends or an older adult),I’m a very outgoing person and he would tell me he’d take me somewhere and then not do it. Those kinds of problems. My issue is not the getting married part it is the uncertainty of when will be close again to work on getting to that point again. I believe it’s possible but I’m not sure if that can be worked through the phone and the only way he would move would be work or postgraduate school neither of which he has. He wants to continue our relationship but given what has happened what am I supposed to think, Do you think is possible to work on this LD ? When do I know I have waited too much and he is just not going to take a more serious step anytime soon? Thanks!
Left on hold and going backwards
Dear Lefty,
My mother had a name for that kind of man – a “gonna” – always going to do something, but never actually does. Someone with great intentions, but who never seems to follow through. Your boyfriend strikes me as a bit of a gonna.
You personally have to set the time limit for how long you are willing to wait based off your own feelings, needs, life goals, culture and values. Only you can answer that question yourself. But to me it sounds like he isn’t ready. If he feels bad because he’s dating someone of a different religion, marrying outside of his religion might be nearly impossible for him at this point in his life, no matter how much he loves you.
I believe it is possible to work through almost any problem on the phone, as communication is how problems are solved and that is what the phone is for.
Just because he wants to continue the relationship as it is does not mean he is ready to take it further – and that might include being close enough to think about going further.
My only advice is this: don’t play guessing games. Talk to him and take him at his word, but at the same time have a back-up plan and know your own limits.
Hi Miss U,
I have a husband but he is in Saudi since August 1 last year to present. I am pregnant with our first baby when he left. A month ago I noticed that he really change and every time we chat through Facebook we were always fighting until one day I didn’t find him in Facebook…I don’t know what it means but it hurts me so much the fact that we have a child I don’t know what to do please advise…Thank you
Mich
Dear Mich,
I am assuming from your letter that he has disappeared from facebook and that you have no other way to contact him. Do you have a phone number or address of somebody he was with or perhaps even your country’s embassy in Saudi? I would try to track him down, if for no other reason than because he has responsibilities to your child. I don’t know what his disappearance means either, perhaps he just needed time to cool off after one of the fights or perhaps he is gone for good, I do not know, but it is probably best to prepare for the worst.
You need to look towards self-preservation. Put yourself and your child first. Lean on your support network of family and friends and if you do not have one where you are, perhaps consider moving closer to family or finding a new mother’s group in your area. Everything is easier to handle when you don’t have to do it alone – especially the trials of a young child.
Congratulations on motherhood. It may not seem like it now, but it is truly a blessing. I hope you have a chance to enjoy it come what may.
Dear Miss U,
My name’s Bianca and I’ve in this LDR for 3 1/2 years which has been fantastic. Even when we have a 6 hour difference, we communicate throughout the day and we video conference as many times and as long as possible. We travel every 3 months and we stay together for about 18 days. He proposed the second time we were together which is more than 3 years ago. But the problem is to get married he must divorce first and for 3 years he never did anything about it. I thought he was moving things because he’s such a decisive person. He was already separated and living alone when we began our relationship. When I finally knew he hadn’t started the divorce yet, he told me it was because he wanted his son to go to university first, before selling the house. I don’t really mind being married, but it can allow me visiting him as he works in a Muslim country and his idea is to go on working there for some more years and leaving with some money to start a new life together somewhere else. I could cope with distance quite well until some months ago but recently it’s been getting harder and harder. I just need a date line to live together or at least the chance of visiting him without us waiting for 3 months (I can get work leaves easier than him) But even when he told me he phoned a lawyer back home I feel disappointed because there’s no improvement about the divorce. At the moment we’re facing a week impasse. Please give me some piece of advice cause I don’t know what to do…
Bianca
Dear Bianca,
It is in your best interests to talk to him and tell him that you can not and will not wait forever. Has he given you an indication of when his son is going to go to University? Is that an acceptable time for you to wait, considering also that the house may not sell immediately?
The reason people say that “Long distance never works” is because it doesn’t; at least not as a long-term solution. You can’t stay in a long distance relationship forever, who would want to?
Ask him to sit down and make a plan with you – a step by step plan of how and when you will gradually close the distance, including when the divorce papers should be lodged. Find out if there’s anything you can do to help him in reaching these goals. When you have a plan and an end in sight everything becomes much easier.
