Miss You Issues: Wait and See - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I am situated in Vienna. I got to know a boy from USA.

He started to chat with me via Tinder. He texted that he will come to Vienna for vacation and wanted to meet for a drink. I thought, the best that could happen is a holiday fling. We met and went to a bar. He was so pretty and so likeable. every time he went to the bar to get us a drink he looked at me with this wicked glance. I liked that and during the date we started kissing. He asked me to meet him next day. I agreed and I got to know his family! They all were very friendly and it was a wonderful afternoon. It was really awesome.

At night we went to a karaoke bar and he rapped so perfect. I was proud that I was with him. When I got home he texted me that he thinks he was falling in love. So was I. The day after we met again at a restaurant. He brought me roses. At night we went to a cocktail bar. Next day I took the day off that I could be with him. We spent the whole day together and also with his family. On the fifth day he had to leave. Since he has been back in the USA we Skype daily, but he is so far away. Also the time we spent was so short. He said once that he is my “American boyfriend,” but what does it exactly mean? If I would get to know a boy here I would just let it go and see how it will develop and I will know it after maybe some days or weeks, but with him it is more difficult to find out. It could also be the case that I lose months or a year. Please cheer me up – give me hope?

Nici

Dear Nici,

It could work. LDRs aren’t that much different from near-proximity relationships. You can just roll with it and see where it goes. Keep talking, keep being yourselves, being honest and having fun. Trust your instincts. When the time comes to take the relationship further, you will know.

It’s fun to do the impossible, then to look back and laugh about it.

Dear Miss U,

So, this blog has really been helpful because I see some issues that I feel were answered in a lovely, thoughtful way. I am seeking advice because, during our one year anniversary, my boyfriend was in my hometown, and it was great.

Here is where my dilemma lies – about a month before we got together, I started feeling like something was off; I was kind of scared that he’d say he wouldn’t be coming at all. When he did come, he confirmed my doubts by saying that he had kind of lost the feeling and the passion for us. Before he came, I apologized for any insecurities I may have projected onto him during the month I felt off, and when we met up he said that was what brought the passion back for him; that admitting what I did made him see that I was still the one he loves.

I don’t feel so off anymore, but I still feel off a bit. I can tell that he’s annoyed from all the texting and, knowing how much time he dedicates to his work, I want to give him that needed space. Except, it feels like I am forcing him to reply now, even when he does have time off. Like he does it out of obligation.

I don’t want to and shouldn’t be the obligation. I wanted to suggest activities that could bring us closer, but I don’t know how to. I know he likes when I speak honestly, but where is the line of being clingy and just wanting to have a talk about us?

TBH, we’re young but I’ve had a feeling in my gut for a while that he’s someone who’ll stay in my life for a long time.

Annie

Dear Annie,

Sometimes knowing what to do isn’t the hard part; it’s actually doing it. If you can sense he needs space, give him space. There’s a reason for all those “If you love something set it free” sayings.

Perhaps what you need to talk about is how to have quality time rather than quantity. Have deep satisfying contact rather than little spurts of text messages that make you wonder if you’re doing more harm than good.

What interests do you share? Could you base Skype dates around one of your common hobbies? Have a TV show you love to watch together? Do you like gardening or cooking or drawing? Do you both enjoy chess or card games? Could one of you read to the other? Just to give some examples.

It’s easier to bond with people when we are having fun and for many people texting isn’t fun. Having a couple of drinks together and singing karaoke, or having a dance off, or laughing till your sides hurt over some comedy is much more enjoyable and gives you something to discuss as well.

Don’t know how to open up the conversation? Try:

“Sometimes I feel like texting too much pushes you away rather than drawing us closer together, can we talk about better alternatives?”

Or “Instead of texting all day, can we just put aside an hour in the evenings to chat, perhaps over dinner?”

Or even “I want to make this relationship as amazing as it can possibly be for both of us, can you let me know when you have time to hash out some maintenance issues?”

Remember that all relationships have low points. Times when one or both partners are focused outwards rather than in. Times when we are busy, stressed or even just too comfortable. Emotions are water, they ebb and flow. A low point doesn’t mean it’s all over, it means there’s an opportunity to build up strength, rest and then fall in love with each other all over again.

Dear Miss U,

My makes Emma and I’m 16. I’ll be a junior and I’m still in love with my soldier. He and I dated for about 6 months my freshman year after he had been accepted to West Point. We both always knew in the back of our heads we were counting down the days until he left. I was always trying to stay optimistic but he just didn’t think we could be together when he left. He changed his mind closer to his leave date and even told me he loved me at his high school graduation. I was so happy and excited for the journey but the day before he left we ended things. We still stay in contact and hang out when he’s on leave. I recently brought up getting back together but he hesitantly turned it down saying, “It’s just not going to work. I’m not made for long distance.” I love him and I can tell he still loves me he just won’t give it a chance.

Any advice?

Emma

Hi Emma,

As frustrating as it can be, no means no. Always. We can’t change other people, and we shouldn’t try to manipulate them. If you were to convince him to enter a LDR, then what? Then when he is focused on work and doesn’t have time for you, both of you feel bad. You feel bad because he’s not giving you the care and attention a partner should and he feels bad because he’s letting you down, just as he was afraid he would.

Not everyone is cut out for a long distance relationship and at this point in time that includes him.

For now you can remain friends and hope that as your love for each other grows it will one day become larger than his distaste for LDRs; and if someone else catches your heart in the mean time you can cross that bridge when you get there.