Dear Miss U,
So my best friend of almost 2 years recently confessed to being in love with me. We haven’t been together long but he and I are VERY close. Before I go on, here’s what you should know about him:
- He lives 2 hours from me
- He doesn’t drive-yet
- He’s been through an incredible amount of trauma. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t debated suicide. (Horrible? Yes. True? Absolutely.) His father is on drugs and his mom doesn’t want him. He’s miserable there.
- He’s 17 and planning to move a lot closer (and get his license/car) when he turns 18.
- He’s VERY sensitive.
So the advice I need… Well it started about a week ago. He had talked to his counselor about us and she advised he and I “take a break” for a while so he could better understand himself. I told him to do what he needed to do and I’ll be around.
Then what? The next day he called and said “I can’t do this.” And I took him back. This happened about 5 times! It’s been constant back and forth. We love each other very much but he’s putting me through bitter hell. Again, today he called me up and advised a break. I said yeah- that’s a great idea. We’re on a break- for real- no coming back for at least a month.
Now… I’m not sure where I’ll be in a month. I’ve been asked out 3 times already since my relationship status went to “single” and while I want to go, I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to ruin the chance we’ll have once he figures his life out. Help?
~ Annoyed Lover
Dear Annoyed Lover,
I’d be annoyed too. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an advice columnist and not a real councillor, but personally I believe breaks are bullshit. It’s a lot like saying “I don’t want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you either” and that just doesn’t wash. No one gets the right to ask you to pause your life because they need to sort theirs out; your heart isn’t some play thing and your time is precious. I’m also a big believer that you should be able to sort yourself out within the confines of a relationship, because people grow and change and need to re-find themselves or bail themselves out of drama many times throughout their lives, and you can’t expect to bow out of your responsibilities to other people every time that happens.
In your situation, I would give him the choice – is he in or is he out? – before moving on. You both love each other after all, so he should have the chance to commit and follow through on this relationship, but with that said, seeming he loves you he wants what’s best for you – that is; for you to be happy rather than being jerked around.
Generally with breaks, the terms are discussed within the couple. If you’re to resume this relationship in a month then it isn’t really fair on any other guys if you got involved with them in the meantime. If you’re going to start dating, you need to actually be broken up. My understanding of breaks is that you’re waiting for each other, as though the relationship is on pause but you’re still in one, so unless specifically discussed you’re supposed to remain faithful.
How much do you want this relationship, and how long are you willing to wait?
Dear Miss U,
I met my significant other at a spiritual retreat where we spent a week together and we have been dating each other long distance ever since for a few months now. We have really connected even though he lives on one coast of the US and I live on the other. Although we are still getting to know each other thru phone, text and videos we have been talking about the future. I’m wondering when/if we get to the point of considering being together, what are some questions to consider for which one of us should be the one to move?
Decisions*decisions
Dear Decisions*decisions,
It really isn’t that simple.
Some questions many couples ask is:
Who has more family, or a deeper family connection?
Who owns property?
Who has responsibilities that can’t be left behind (young children of a previous marriage, caring for an elderly family member etc.)?
Who has an established career that can’t be moved/left?
What location would be best for the both of you and any children within the relationship?
However, sometimes the logical answer isn’t the right one. Often one person is more willing to move than the other, they are ready to make the sacrifice while the other hasn’t reached that point. Sometimes a person can’t articulate their connection to their place of residence, or have no “good reason” for wanting to abide there yet they can’t find happiness elsewhere. Some people feel they can’t live far from their family, others don’t seem to care if they see their kin or not.
I’ve spoken to many couples wherein each believed the other one should move. Both parties believed they had the better family/hometown/career and that the other’s life would be easier to uproot. It’s a common occurrence. I’ve also noticed some people are very traditional in their approach – they believe that the man should “do the right thing” and make all the trips for visits, but when the time comes it is the woman that joins his family not the other way around.
Everyone has their own way of doing things. When you come to discuss this, don’t expect to come to an agreement right away and when a move happens realize there is pressure on both parties. The mover has the stress and sacrifice, but the person who didn’t move has the burden of making that worth it.
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