Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend joined the Army 18 months ago and is deployed overseas. Can this relationship really work I mean I know he loves me and I love him but can it really last? One of his buddies that went to high school with us is in his unit so I know he has someone I can depend on to have his back. But his buddy texted me and said, “Hey sis uhmmm I don’t know how to say this but I think your boy is cheating on you with a girl in the unit I don’t know her name but I think something is going on there between him and another girl.” I confronted him about it when we video chatted later he said nothing happened I really wanna believe it but I get this feeling in my gut that keeps asking me “Could this be real, could this relationship really work even with all the distance between us?”
– Scared in small town Oklahoma
Dear SiSTO,
There is no reason your relationship – or any long distance relationship – can’t last. If they couldn’t, people wouldn’t enter into them. Why wouldn’t it work? Just because of the distance? Plenty of long distance relationships work just fine. So I believe there has to be more to this. More to why both of you are so unsure of your love after four years.
If your intuition is screaming at you, listen to it. We have that sense for a reason. But don’t blame the distance. The distance is often used as an excuse, but it doesn’t make a person cheat any more than it can make you gamble or go to the gym three times a week. The couple, regardless of proximity, are in control of their actions and through those actions the health of the relationship.
It can work despite the distance. But you both have to want it to and you both have to take the necessary steps to make that so.
Dear Miss U,
I met him last summer. We had lots of text conversations & met in person once. The connection was amazing, we both felt it. Then he moved out of state for school. He recently reconnected with me, saying he wants to try to make this work. School will continue until 01/2017. He works PT, has to live at home & has no extra money. He texts multiple times every day, saying how much I mean to him, how he’ll do whatever it takes to be my man. But whenever I bring up the subject of visits (either way) he says he has no money, he will be in school with no time off, excuse after excuse. I’ve told him actions speak louder than words to me. He is hung up on only seeing his situation one way and doesn’t seem to want to come up with solutions to see each other. He won’t make concrete plans or discuss how to make a visit possible. But then he gushes about how he’ll never want another woman like he wants me. We are extremely compatible, more than anyone I’ve met, & he says he’ll do anything to make me happy & that we belong together. I’m not sure what to make of this. I can’t get him to understand how vital it is to make solid plans for a visit, that 19 months apart without any hope of spending time together will kill this relationship. His point of having no money (either of us, although it would be much cheaper for him to visit me than vice versa) is valid, but there must be ways around that. Does this relationship have a chance?
– At the beginning
Dear Beginning,
Every relationship has a chance.
If not visiting is a deal breaker for you, be up front about that. Don’t hint. Don’t play any games. Just say it, straight out. This is what I need. This is what I’m willing to do to make it happen. This is what I need from you. If this isn’t possible, tell me now so I can begin to move on. Just like that.
All you can do is put it all out there, and be willing to do the bulk of the work. It isn’t ok to say “I demand a visit” and then not pay for it, or travel, or provide accommodation, etc. But if you are willing to do what it takes to get this need of yours met and all you’re asking is a bit of cooperation, support and enthusiasm, then more power to you!
And yes, there are always ways around finances. Sell some of your stuff on eBay, people tend to have way too much stuff anyway. Or have a big garage sale if that’s more your style. Pick up some baby-sitting/ house-sitting/ pet-sitting or take in ironing. I’m sure you can think of half a dozen other ways to make quick cash.
And then really research ways to trim your expenses. Cheaper public transport/ traveling economy. Waiting for sales and traveling outside of peak times. Couch surfing or staying in backpackers hostels. Saving up over a long period – because working toward your goal still brings hope. Show him how possible it really is and when he says, “but I’ll be in school,” point out that when you close the distance you will both be working or studying. That’s what living together is like. There’s no reason not to visit and get some practice in. You’ll have at least the same amount of time you have together now, but it will be in person. What’s not to love about that?
Be honest and firm, and if his answer is still no and you’re not willing to wait 19 months (which is a long time) then maybe he has missed his chance at this relationship.
