What is Real?

Dear In a Rut,

I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling.

I don’t know how people can throw away years of investment like that, or why things like this come out of the blue. Surely if he was struggling, the best person to talk to would have been you. Together you’d have worked through it. You deserved that much – a chance. But you didn’t get it. My heart aches at that. You deserved better.

Whatever his reasoning, it doesn’t change the outcome. We can’t make people give us the loyalty we’ve given them.

In usual times, I’d advise you to have one last visit, a face to face conversation to either work it out or get closure, but these aren’t usual times. All you can do is let him know you’re willing to fight for this relationship, you’re willing to make a new plan with him, one that closes the distance as soon as you’re able to travel again. You’re willing to prioritize this relationship and address the issues if he is.

But there’s nothing you can do if he’s made his mind up, other than care for yourself as best you can. I personally deal with break up grief through writing lists of the other person’s terrible habits and why we would never have worked out anyway, but other tried and true methods involve watching sad movies, eating bad food, and, later, being ridiculously successful.

You deserve someone who is loyal, honest, and willing to work as a team. Don’t lose sight of that, whatever comes next.

Hi Mintea,
The crazy thing here is: it doesn’t matter if you break up. The heart doesn’t care one bit what label you put on your relationship, it wants who it wants.

So, you can totally break up and go get that “physical touch” with other people but be warned that touch might feel empty. It’s not the same if you don’t love the other person. It’s still fun and you’ll learn useful things, and I personally advocate for whatever safe, sane, consensual play people what to have, but love does actually make all that stuff better.

If you did break up and you dated other people, would you be doing them a disservice? Would you secretly wish they were your SO? Will you go home to the internet and your best friend there and tell them what happened? You intend to be friends and stay in each other's lives… but that doesn’t make the love go away. I know, I tried.

When I was your age, I was in love with a little boy from Canada. That’s a fifteen-hour plane ride from my home country. We ‘knew’ we could never make it work. He loved his home, his family, his friends. I loved mine, and at any rate I didn’t have any money. So, we agreed to be just friends.

When that didn’t work, we tried to stop talking to each other. We went several months at one point. Then he got a girlfriend, so I assumed we were safe from our love. We weren’t. All he talked to his girlfriend about was me. He’d write me letters from her kitchen table. I met her once.

I dated someone else too. It didn’t help.

We were best friends. We told each other everything. Especially new sexual experiences we had with others. When we weren’t dating, we’d do stuff together. Role plays. Webcams. You know, kid stuff. We flirted a lot but made sure not to talk about feelings.

Then, he got hit by a car. I realized that if he died, nobody would have even thought to tell me. I was his secret internet backup girl. And I would have lived my whole life wondering “what if?”

It took us over four years to finally meet in person and another year to close the distance. It took thousands of dollars. It took wearing shoes with no soles and skipping meals. And you know what? When we met, it didn’t feel real. I felt like I was cheating on my real boyfriend, the one on the internet. The guy I was kissing. When we finally moved in together, that didn’t feel real. It felt like playing house.

You see, I’m pretty sure “doesn’t feel real” is part of how our brains process the unfamiliar, especially against our preconceived notions of what’s “normal."

We’re married with three kids now. And sometimes it still doesn’t feel real. It feels like a fairy tale. The very best kind. And it doesn’t matter what label I put on it, because this is where we are meant to be.

The important part is you are real with each other. You want to go have some experiences? You want to date and fool around at parties? Talk about it. Your relationship is what you both make of it. Together you make the rules, so find a solution that works for both of you. Be honest about what you want now and what you want in the future. Talk about your fantasies and see which ones could be reality. It’s not always going to be easy, but if you proceed with kindness and honesty, I believe you can have your fairy tale too.