Miss You Issues: What To Do When He Chooses Family Over You.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I see each other 3 weeks in the winter and 2 months during the summer. We make a huge effort to visit each other as much as we can, but our colleges are a plane ride away. He has decided to only visit his family this spring break. I understand that that is valid but I can’t help but feel a bit hurt and mad. When we get those few weeks/months together, he spends it with his family as well, so I always get the least amount of time. I have been trying to understand, as family comes first, but after dating for so long, I just want to transition to just us having alone time. Every time I bring it up he says, “I just have a close family,” and shrugs it off. But I struggle with it. I just want help in overcoming my sadness about this common issue.

College Couple

Hello College Couple,

Here’s how I think of it: One day you will be his family too and the important thing to ascertain is how, as his spouse, he will prioritize you. When this time comes and you step into the roles of husband and wife, will the devotion he has for his family members extend to you as well OR is he always going to remain more loyal to the family he comes from than the family he makes for himself? I believe this is the conversation you need to be having, rather than being focused on how he splits his limited holidays.

It’s also time to look at the relationships you have with his family members. Clearly these people are going to play a huge role in your life if the two of you stay together. How do you feel about that? Can you love them nearly as much as he does? Do they see you as a daughter/sister figure, or as a rival? If you don’t yet have much of a relationship with them, perhaps it’s time for both of you to be visiting them, not just him.

Family loyalty isn’t inherently bad, but you need to know your partner will stand with you for important events and decisions. Say one day you want to make a parenting decision that his family doesn’t agree with; is he going to hear you out, do his own research, and make the best choice for your family with you, or is he going to hand that control to his parents/siblings?

I can’t tell you how to overcome your sadness because I would be sad, angry, and hurt too. It’s natural to want him to choose to spend his vacation with you each and every time, no matter how selfish or impractical that might be. Everything you are feeling is normal, and I hope he is being sensitive to that.

Next time this comes up, don’t let him shrug it off. You are important too. No, you shouldn’t try to control who he visits and when, but if there’s a problem in the relationship and he knows you’re distressed he needs to be a decent human and address that with you. You’re a team, you need to both be working together for each other’s well-being.

I understand where he is coming from, I am ridiculously close with my family too, particularly my sister. It’s to the point where half our local community think we are married to each other because we’re seen together in public with our kids (who look alike) far more often than we are with our husbands. I can’t live without her. I can imagine how hard it must be for him living away from not only you but his family as well. With that said, he needs to be supportive, respectful, and caring toward you and find ways to both include you in family events and have one on one time with the people who matter most. Keep talking to him about this and working on solutions, and do have a think about those things I mentioned above. Hopefully his loyalty to family will be something you can cherish in the long run, rather than being a wedge in the relationship.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.