What to Do When You Feel Abandoned

Dear Jake,

There are a handful of things to do or ways to approach this with her, but they all boil down to talking. Express that there is a problem in the clearest possible terms, providing examples where necessary. Let her know you don’t feel like a priority, mentioning that she doesn’t call you even when she’s free, and ask if something is the matter that has been preventing her from fully engaging in the relationship. Perhaps she’s not well or is focusing on a sick family member right now, or maybe there’s a problem within the relationship she doesn’t know how to address so she’s been avoiding conversation.

You won’t know if you don’t ask, so before you go any further verify there isn’t an underlying reason for her lack of contact. If she says everything is fine on her end and she’s just busy, kindly remind her that we are all busy, and we all have to make time for the things and people we care about. That can be hard for people to hear, but honestly it’s a compliment. You want to spend more time with her because you love her and she’s awesome! There’s nothing wrong with that.

Ask her what you can do from your side to engage with her more. That might mean talking at a new time of day or starting a long-distance hobby together, or she might need something completely different. We can’t guess it, we have to ask.

Once you’ve had this conversation you should have enough knowledge to move forward. If nothing changes, you need to ask yourself if it’s time to move on.

Dear Noelle,

High five for getting professional help and for talking your problems though with your partner.

My first thought after reading your letter was: So what’s the plan? If he’s never moving back that puts a lot of pressure on you. For this relationship to thrive long term that means you are moving to him, and you’re not getting a choice in the matter. What, then, is he doing to facilitate that? Is he helping financially? Is he using his connections to get you into the job or school of your dreams? What do you get as the payoff for uprooting your life? And don’t say you get him + the relationship, because he gets that benefit too. Call me selfish, but I believe to avoid resentment there needs to be a bonus to sweeten the deal is some way. He gets something big that he wants (location) thus you should get something big that you want. That might be a leg up in your career, it might be dance lessons, it might be him helping a passion project of yours, it might be some kind of sacrifice on his part. But there should be something to sweeten the deal.

My next question is: What can he do to make you feel like part of his life before you close the distance? I imagine there are reasons you didn’t move with him (possibly because of the surprise) and can’t yet, so what do you need right now to reconnect? Ask for that. A set time for your daily call would be a start so you’re not waiting around (I recommend a standard one hour call per weekday, more time on the weekends, and regular online dates to keep the relationship fun and healthy.)

Easy ways he can include you are by letting you meet his friends over Skype or the phone, taking your calls in public places rather than just at home before bed, sending you a photo during the day, and by never again making a life-changing decision without consulting you. I feel like this move can be excused because the relationship was in its infancy, but past the one year mark, that’s really not acceptable. That’s not how adults handle relationships and you have every right to feel resentful.

Let’s say he does all these things. He starts including you. He starts spending time with you consistently and giving you affection and connection. He apologizes for moving without including you in the decision. You agree on a plan of action from here and you receive some kind of benefit for being the cool supportive girlfriend who uproots her life. Imagine that until it feels real. Now ask yourself: is it enough? If he does everything right from here on in (but doesn’t give up his happiness or his friends) do you feel hopeful and that this relationship can be repaired, or is the wound still too deep?

Is this relationship dead? Do you feel in your heart that he can fix this, or will your anger stay with you like a poison? There is no wrong answer; there’s only an honest answer. If he can’t repair this, it’s over. If he can repair it, tell him what you need and give him the chance to make it better. Forgiveness takes time; like trust.

My last suggestion would be to go visit as soon as possible. Many people find it easier to reconnect in person, and you would resent the fun a lot less if you were part of it.

Wishing you all the best,