Miss You Issues: What You Want Most - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 2 years. We met before he left for college in the States last year and decided to give it a go. Somehow, we survived the first year of uni with him there and me at university in the UK.

We got to spend the most amazing summer together and decided, after much consideration, to try and make the relationship work long distance again for a second year. At first, I found it much easier, but as time goes on I can feel myself becoming very lonely again, and not enjoying my time at uni because I can’t seem to find anyone who I connect with as well as I do with him. The only way I can find myself feeling secure and happy is if I travel home most weekends.

That being said, as I miss him more he seems to be pushing me away, talking to me less, not making any conversation, and rarely initiating phone calls or any form of contact with me. I like to brush this off as him being busy, but being left to feel lonely and pushed out simply makes me question whether it’s worth putting myself through the emotional trauma I suffered last year. I try to openly communicate with him about this it seems to push him away further.

I’m very confused and unsure what the best thing to do is. Ultimately, I just want to be with him because I love him, but I’m unsure how long I can cope with a LDR for. Although we have the best time when we’re together, I can’t help but find the relationship and everything else boring when he is away and wonder if it is worth it?

GMT to EST

Dear GMT,

You haven’t told me how long you will need to be long distance. Is it one more year after this? Six more years? What are we looking at here? If you’re going to suffer through the better part of a decade without truly knowing whether or not this relationship will translate to a successful, healthy NPR, then maybe it isn’t worth it.

If, however, you only have two years to go and you’re reasonably confident he has all the traits you are looking for in a life partner, then hold on. Forever is a long time. At your thirty year anniversary are you still going to be cut about your LD struggle? I doubt it.

Also, think about the fields you’re both aiming to work in. If he’s going to do a job that will require travel and you’re looking at a lifetime of sporadic LDR then no, this one’s not for you.

Beyond that, you haven’t told me what you’ve already done to make this LDR not suck. Have you tried to make it fun? Do you do stuff together at a distance? Do you flirt? Get your web-sex on? Play games or watch shows together? Have you tried having a date night once a month (online)? Does he send care packages? Do you share parts of your day to day life together? Do you try and keep your language positive? Do you count your blessings, or just focus on your woes?

I believe you need to assess what you stand to gain from breaking up. Right now you don’t see each other enough, but do you think never seeing each other again will feel better? Yes, you will have more time to invest in local friendships, but that doesn’t guarantee you’ll find someone you will connect with as much or better than you do with him. Your social skill won’t get an automatic +10 just because you’re single. So ask yourself, what exactly attracts you to the idea of breaking up? What do you stand to gain? Ask yourself, “What do I want MOST?” rather than “What do I want NOW?”

Your letter touches on several symptoms of depression as well. Are you able to get that checked out? University and long distance is a stressful combination, and our brains, just like any organ, can suffer under pressure. It’s possible that some of what you feel is medical and can be managed with day to day lifestyle changes like diet; (complex carbs and high fiber foods are good for both the brain and bowel. There are strong links between constipation and depression!) exercise, meditation, and getting out of the dorm or even medication. Your health care professional can help you rule some of this stuff out.

I’m sorry for your struggle and I do hope that together you can find a way through. True love is worth fighting for.

Dear Miss U,

We started dating at the beginning of January 2016 and we were together for 6 months in Germany. We both knew before we came together that I’m gonna be gone for 1 year to Hawaii for my exchange year and ultimately meeting my mother again.

We had a lot of up and downs. She broke up multiple times and we always had little trust issues. Not only did that affect our relationship but it affected myself a lot. The 12 hour time difference and 8000 miles apart felt really crushing. She visited me during winter break and that was it. We held on something that couldn’t work out for long. I did a dumb mistake and kissed a local girl and I had to confess a lot more things than that: I also planned to stay another year because I did not want to do extra school in Germany. I had to break up with her because I felt like forcing her into this and with the pain she felt I couldn’t bear looking into her eyes again. I started to move on.

The ironic part was it was only 2 months left before I came back to visit. In that time we were separated, I only thought about her. When I flew back to Germany I came straight to her place and apologized. After we wanted to say goodbye we randomly met after 2 days. We talked again and we knew that we loved each other so much we would try again because we cannot see each other with somebody else.

Now I’m back for my second year. Halfway through. My question is: How do I endure myself with not messing up again?
Any help is deeply appreciated!
Dean

Dear Dean,

We all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are so stupid that looking back we can’t even understand how we let them happen… We’ve all been there, and likely will experience it again somewhere along the road in our lives. The important thing is that we learn from our mistakes. We assess the situation and ask ourselves what factors caused that outcome. For example: Why did you kiss that local girl? My guess would be you weren’t feeling connected to your girlfriend at the time, neither of you were putting in the effort to make your LDR the best it can be. Maybe you were drunk and need to avoid alcohol if you can’t control yourself on it, etc. Look at what you can do better next time in all things.

The secret to enduring long distance is to actually enjoy it. Don’t just endure it. Make it great. Have the kind of contact that makes you both want to rush home to speak to each other. And while you’re speaking be honest. Discuss big life events and let her weigh in on them. Don’t just decide to be abroad another year, tell her you want to, and why and ask her how you can make that happen together as a couple. Think about what you can do to lessen the blow for her, ways you can strengthen the relationship to withstand extra pressure. Your life affects her, don’t treat her like an afterthought.

And, like I told GMT above, focus on what you want most, not what you want now. Discipline can be learned.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.