Miss You Issues: When Harry Killed Bella - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I love the communication I have in my LDR. He is very considerate in always checking on me when we go hours without speaking because he is either working or out with friends or family. Or when he’s going to sleep for a long time he will tell me he will text me when he wakes. However, as much as our communication is strong sometimes I become very sad when I can’t be there to celebrate a holiday with him or his birthday and I feel useless and pushed aside. Sometimes I just crave being able to just hold his hand or have a hug. Lately I’ve been too sad and always having emotional breakdowns cause I just don’t know how to control these feelings. Please help me

Lost girl in Miami

Dear Lost Girl,

Unfortunately, these feelings are part and parcel of a long distance relationship. Of course there are going to be times you feel left out, frustrated, disconnected or just plain sad. Even in a near proximity relationship sometimes you will face these feelings. This is life.

I always advocate for acceptance. Look at what you have, and accept the things you can not change and then count your blessings. Focusing on what you do have always works out better than mourning the things you don’t have. Actively practice gratefulness. The first step to having control over your emotions is disciplining your thoughts.

Beyond that, stay busy and maintain an active social life. It does no good to expect one person to meet all your needs. If you are lonely, hang out with friends or family. Connect with them, and nurture those relationships. It won’t stop you missing him, but it will still benefit you.

Long distance relationships are hard – there isn’t a magical thing that makes them less difficult – but your thoughts truly do shape your reality.

Dear Miss U,
Hi! My name is Bella. And I have a whole bunch of friends I love very much. Kaleb, Alyssa, Eveyln, and Julie. We all know my long distance boyfriend Harry. But one of my friends *cough cough* Kaleb pulled a prank way too far and made Harry think he killed me! It’s been quite a long time and I don’t think they’re talking. I want all my friends to stay friends. But I don’t know what to do. My friend Kayleen is another long distance friend and she’s siding with Harry. I’m kind of stuck in the middle. They want me to choose between Harry, or my friends. I don’t know what to do…. What should I do?

Hi Bella!

One of the key things you and your friends will learn as you approach adulthood is that you can not control other people, you can only control yourself and your own actions. Another important skill you will develop is how to have friends that don’t like each other.

We all want the people we love to be happy and get along, but sadly sometimes the best you can hope for is that they will be civil to one another in your presence.

It is perfectly reasonable for Harry to remain angry with Kaleb for a long time. That kind of prank isn’t even remotely funny. This guy loves you and envisions a future with you, I can only imagine how shattered he must have felt to think that not only would he spend years grieving your death but that he was somehow responsible for it. It’s not ok.

With that said, it’s not your boyfriend’s place to choose your friends and I generally encourage people to stay away from partners who would control their social life, even if I can totally see where he is coming from. Just as he shouldn’t dictate who you are friends with, nor should you insist he be friends with your friends just to make you happy.

Another thing you need to consider is how the people you hang around influence you and reflect upon you. Like it or not, we are judged by the actions of our friends, especially if we are seen to condone those actions and we do pick up some of their mannerisms etc. from time to time.

I think you need to remain firm and let both sides know that you are putting this behind you and that you are going to remain neutral. You are able to be friends with all people involved, and intend to do so. Also accept and let them know that they are not friends and you will not try to force them to be. Then let it go. Stop bringing it up, worrying over it in your mind, or expecting other people to see the issue the same way that you do.

Harry deserves to know that you don’t agree with what Kaleb did, and that you are not condoning his actions by remaining friends. You may also consider putting some restrictions on your friendship with Kaleb for the time being, such as only hanging out with him in a group. This will limit his influence on you and help convey to Harry that you are taking his feelings into account whilst remaining true to yourself.