Miss You Issues: When he says "nothing's wrong" but you feel like everything is.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend moved out to California, and for the first six months everything was fine. But recently I have felt so lonely and isolated. He seems to only call when he is walking home. We haven’t had a date in months and haven’t Skyped either. I love him and I had planned to move out in a year and a half, but I feel like we have lost our passion. When we talk, the conversation is boring and dragging. I can’t seem to make him understand or be more active in our relationship. I send him letters and gifts and try to make the distance work, but I just don’t see the same effort from him. How do I reignite the passion? Or should I move on to someone who can be here for me emotionally?

Janie

Dear Janie,

There’s nothing inherently wrong with only calling while walking home if that’s the best time for him to talk. We have to take opportunities when they present themselves, after all. That’s the perfect time for you to have him focus fully on what you need to say because there won’t be other distractions like TV. Unfortunately, only talking while he walks home removes the ability to do things together, such as playing online games or being intimate – which is something you will want to point out.

I wonder if, not wanting to sound needy or cause offense, you might have hinted at your needs rather than presented them as hard facts. We can all be guilty of that from time to time.

I say give this conversation one more go. Tell him, without any fancy words, that you need more from this relationship. Give him solid examples of what you want to see, such as an online date at least once a month, a game night at least once a week, more intimate time, or physical gifts/cards for special occasions. These are just examples, of course; tailor your requests to what you need to foster that emotional connection.

You can’t reignite the passion alone, and I have to warn you that when he first starts trying it will feel a little forced. You’re going to think “oh he’s only doing this because I told him to,” but you have to stop yourself going down that road. He’s doing these things because he loves you and wants to nurture the relationship. It’s normal for you to have to tell him your needs, this is not Hollywood.

If, after having another conversation in the plainest, bluntest way possible and confirming with him that he fully understands what you are saying, he does not step it up, then yes you will have to move on. If he makes you feel like you are asking too much, guilt trips you, or turns the conversation around so it’s all about him, than moving on is in your best interests. But if he’s just young, inexperienced, and a bit too comfortable in the relationship give him the chance to work with you as a team to stoke those fires.

Dear Miss U,

My LDR and I were best friends throughout college. I would sleep over at his house all the time and it was always as friends. A few years later (after graduation), his parents bought a second home where I currently live. It was at this point that things really took off. We were completely inseparable and never spent a night apart. This was right before Christmas and he ended up buying me a ticket to stay with his family for the holidays. Things were amazing the whole time and decided to give the whole LDR thing a try. However, he is planning on leaving for the army and is signing an 8 year contract. Things were great my first week back home and then my birthday rolled around and he became distant. When I asked him what was wrong he said nothing and would tell me if there was. We don’t talk as much anymore and I feel like when I ask him about stuff he is short and cuts me off.

Then recently I have been going through some financial issues and to make additional income, I have been tutoring. I suggested using my extra tutoring money to buy a flight to visit him when I have spring break. He insisted he would be upset with me if I did so and that it was not financially a smart decision. I completely understand why he is saying so, but am I never supposed to buy a flight to see him. I care about him deeply and am so happy when we spend time together, which is why I’m willing to put the hard work in. Is he wanting to break up with me or just being distant cause he’s leaving for the army?

Best friends turned LDR

Dear Best friends,

If you’re best mates, shouldn’t you be able to ask him these questions? Give him examples of a few times he’s acted strangely so he knows exactly what you are talking about, and ask him to give it to you straight. Chances are he’s just nervous about the unknowable future, but you won’t know that unless he opens up to you. Remind him that you are first and foremost his friend and that he can turn to you as a friend; you have his best interests at heart.

Financially, until you have a combined income, what you do with your hard earned money is your own business. Unless you are constantly complaining about being poor, aren’t paying your rent, or you owe him money you’ve borrowed, there’s no reason for him to get mad about you budgeting in a visit. Remind him that you’re a grown woman who knows how to manage her funds, and to be grateful you’re willing to bust your ass for this relationship.

Next time he cuts you off, go right ahead and remind him to use his damn manners because that’s unacceptable. You don’t deserve to be treated disrespectfully. Whether he is experiencing distress at the progression of this relationship or not, he needs to care enough about you and your emotions to help you feel comfortable, safe, and loved. Saying “nothing’s wrong,” does nothing to address your (perfectly valid) feelings.

As I said to Janie above, have another go at talking to him about this and if nothing changes or he won’t listen then it’s time to ask yourself if this relationship is worth it. You deserve a partner that cares!

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.