When It’s Not About You

Dear June,

Maybe I’m being a typical avo-toast loving millennial here, but I feel like you’ve all missed the point of getting a degree. First up, that’s a privilege, one that many of us didn’t have, not something to be pissed up the wall or suffered through. Secondly, making money is great, but job satisfaction is better. For the love of all that’s holy, don’t push him into a career he’s not interested in, just to make some bucks and close the distance faster. Do you know who he’s going to come home to with his I-hate-my-job foul mood each day? Not his parents. You. You and your relationship are what will bear the brunt of his fulfillment.

Success is important, I’m 100% with you there. But success isn’t just money. Success is happiness. It’s advancing in a career that you feel makes a difference. It’s going to work with a smile on your face and coming home to the person you love excited to tell them all about it.

If I was you, I’d talk to him about his options. Is there something else he can do with his degree that he’s excited to work toward? Can he change his degree? I didn’t have the privilege of tertiary education so I don’t know how it works, but I do know in our age of abundant technology there is always a choice. There is so much flexibility. There’s no reason he should have to enter a career path his heart isn’t in to please his family, or you, or anyone. That’s what unskilled jobs are for. Making the quick money until you can get educated in the thing you love and really want to do. You don’t get a career in something just to make a quick buck unless it’s a clear stepping stone in the direction you need to go anyway.

With that said, at three months into the relationship, if you’re already doubting whether you should stick around, maybe this isn’t the relationship for you. You talk about maturity, like you’re so much better than him, so far ahead of him, but June, it’s three years. Three measly years. I just blinked and six years of my life went *poof!* so, from an outsider’s perspective, you’re both at the same stage. You might be one or two steps ahead, but he can easily catch that up and pass you, too. You and I are in different stages of life, not you and him.

Let me tell you a story so you know where I’m coming from and that I’m not mocking you. At 20 (like your boyfriend), I had already been living out of home for five years. Someone else’s kid called me mum. At 20, I watched my own mother die. I had bills and no food and I’d just gone back to high school. At 23, (like you), I lived in a different country, working a job I hated so I could be with the boy I loved.

Conversely, Mr. E. at 20 was working throw-away jobs, living at home with his parents and still didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. At 23, I moved to his country and made him move out of his parents’ house to be with me. He’d just finished a degree he loved, but we earned the same money despite the fact I was scrubbing toilets for a living.

At 23, I was ready for kids and he was still mourning that he never got to have a bachelor pad with his mates. I remember vividly the night he said to me, “I feel like I’m holding you back.” I felt like he was, too. I was so damn mature, and here’s this boy who didn’t know how to wash his own dishes or change the washer in a tap.

But you know what? Ten years later he’s earning in a week what I’m earning in half a year. Ten years later, I wouldn’t have a career if it wasn’t for his support. Ten years later I realize he might have been immature, and sheltered, and very lucky to have parents, but I wasn’t half as mature as I thought I was, and someone should have knocked my arrogant ass down a peg. You know what the best investment towards my success I ever made was? Giving up the ability to go to University for the course I sort-of wanted—the job that would make me money—to scrub toilets and support his career while he was getting it off the ground. Why? Because now we’re both happy, both at a comfortable level of success in our own life journeys for our ages. Turns out there’s more than one road up Mt. Successmore, and we don't need to take the same one.

What I’m trying to say here is play the long game because even though you feel like you’re a decade ahead of him now, you’re really not. Things change fast. What you need to be doing is loving him for who he is, and supporting his dreams even if they are not yours. Even if they cost you some kind of sacrifice. Don’t ask him to qualify in something that doesn’t fire his soul, just to further your goals and help you feel successful. That’s not maturity, that’s selfishness. (I recognize he wants to be together too, that's a shared goal. I'm using the plural form of your there).

With all that said, how you define whether someone is worth waiting for depends on who they are as a person. He sounds mature, motivated, kind and respectful. So far, so good. Leave him if he starts putting you down, calling your mother names, or being rude to wait-staff. Leave him if he hits you, or if your goals about having a family can’t be reconciled. Leave him if he won’t discuss relationship problems. But don’t give up on him for not conforming to what you and your family expect his success to look like. You want to marry a man, not a sheep.

Dear AnjeRay,

I feel like the time has come for him to seek professional help. He’s obviously not moving past this issue on his own, and you shouldn't have to be afraid of his reaction for having a normal social life. You shouldn’t be punished for the deeds of the ex. As gently as possible, suggest it to him. Otherwise, you’ll either end up giving up your social life and resent him, or you’ll end up hiding things from him, which neither of you want.

Having male friends doesn’t make you a cheater, cheating makes you a cheater. You’ve done nothing wrong, so stick to your guns. Continue being honest and loving, but let him know he needs to put work into resolving this issue if he actually intends to change.

If he won’t talk to someone, perhaps there are self-help books you can work through together.

Wishing you all the best,