Miss You Issues: When It's Time To Go - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I have been with my bf for 18 months but have known him as a friend for 10+yrs. We live about 5hrs away from each other, we talk every day and get on a great majority of the time. Like most, the distance is difficult for us both but when I do see him it’s really good. However, it’s getting to the stage where we want to be together full time. I have said I’ll move as he has a son with his ex whom he has regular contact with. But when I bring up moving, he acts evasive and goes on about it being very complicated. If I move I would have no job and would have to stay with him and I think living together is freaking him out but if that’s not a possibility I wouldn’t be able to move there. I feel so torn as I love him and moving is a big step for me but he makes me constantly doubt if it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want our relationship to be LD forever and he says he doesn’t either but then at the same time doesn’t want to live with me… what should I do? Should I end the relationship if it’s not going to progress? I don’t want to force him into something he doesn’t want or feel sure about it’ll never work in the long run if that happens. Torn, confused, and hurt. Please help.

Questioning in the UK

Dear QUK,

I’m a big fan of being direct, so I would suggest calling him on his behavior. I would tell him point-blank that I’ve noticed him being squirrelly every time a move is brought up and ask him if there’s anything you can do to make him more comfortable with this impending change. Fear of the unknown is very normal, it’s a natural thing our bodies do to keep us safe, but we can’t let fear make decisions for us.

I would lead this conversation in the direction of setting a date to move the relationship forward. Not a date to physically move, but a date upon which you will set the date to move and seriously put the plan to do so into effect. Perhaps this could be your two year anniversary. Two years seems like a decent amount of time to me for two adults to know if they want this relationship or not. Setting a date to resolve this issue on gives you the comfort of progression, and him the reassurance of taking it slow. He’ll have time to wrap his mind around sharing his space, and you’ll know you’re not waiting forever.

In the mean time you can talk in depth about what living together will be like, what house rules you both like to have (is it ok to have friends over unannounced or is there a 24 hour warning period? Who does what chores? Do you each like half an hour to yourselves after work or do you like to jump straight in to home life? etc.) and who is paying for what.

Tell him you understand he is hesitant and that you are scared too, but that you are on the same team and you can’t wait indefinitely to start your shared future.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year now and only recently was the first time we met each other in person. It was the best connection I have ever had with any guy. He is my ideal guy and my better half. Everything in our relationship is amazing and we have mutual feelings. But after he went back home to Arizona (I live in Texas) it was like a part of me left with him. I have cried constantly lately. It has come to the point that he is not sure what to do to make me feel better. Moving in together came up one of those days. Now our problem is that we can’t decide whether he should move to me or I to him. We have many things to take into consideration, like family, work, school, housing, etc. But after almost a month of discussing it we have gotten nowhere. We love each other a lot and would be willing to do it, we just can’t seem to come up with a decision. Also before you advise to wait on it, this would take place around august next year not immediately.

Sincerely,
Cindy

Dear Cindy,

It’s funny, when we think about who should move, we always look at it logically using the information we have on hand. Work, school, housing, opportunities, support systems, all that and more, yet no matter how much a move makes sense we can’t always guess who will thrive in that situation or who would fail.

Most of us have family and friends we love deeply, connections to our home place and other personal reasons to stay. Often times we also have good reasons to move too, a love of adventure, or leaving behind a past and a persona that no longer fits.

From what you’ve written, I gather that there isn’t a deciding factor. Neither of you has kids or elderly parents that can’t be left, or contracts that can’t be broken. Both of you are willing (which is amazing, pat yourselves on the back!) but neither is particularly eager. Well then, have you spoken to each other about who would cope better with the move from an emotional angle?

How involved are each of you with your families and communities? I’m NOT asking “who loves their family more?” because it isn’t about that, even if love could be so easily measured, I’m asking if you’ve looked at the roles each of you play in the lives of the people around you, because as time wears on this seems to be the biggest factor to me. This and the ability to be happy anywhere.

Using my relationship as an example, I’m very involved with my family. I have a small family and I spend time with them, doing things together and helping each other out several days a week. There is a huge vacuum in my life when my family is not around from the hours I dedicate to family involvement each week, and if I was gone that would hugely impact the lives of those people. Mr E on the other hand loves his family just as much as I love mine, but he doesn’t play a crucial role. He has a large family wherein there is always someone around to help another family member, and even when we lived near his family we didn’t see them all that often. Once a week at most, quite often less. Time spent together was nice, but very formal feeling: family dinners and board game nights, not “Hey I was thinking of you, do you want to go get coffee?”

The second family consideration I feel is important is thinking about how visits will work once you close the distance. My family lives in the city; we’re all in these tiny units like battery hens with no space to flap our wings, and so if we were to visit my family we would have to get accommodation; drastically increasing the cost of visits home. Mr. E’s family on the other hand live out in the country. Several of them have large homes with guest rooms and 2nd or 3rd cars we can borrow which facilitates longer visits.

I can’t make this decision for you, but I hope I’ve given you a fresh direction to look in while you weigh the pros and cons. Beyond this, remember if you move and it doesn’t work out you can always save up the money to move again.

Happy Holidays