When Nothing Changes

Dear Miss U,

I am an Asian woman and my boyfriend is from Germany. We have been together for almost 7 years. We are working together on Dive Center in Asia together. But the last 2 years we have been long distance. He's working on Liveaboard and I'm still on the Resort. We manage to meet about every 2 - 3 months and spend 1 month together.

A month ago, he decided to go back to Germany to make a business which is really good for him and I support him and told me that he will back in 2 months to see me and we will work together again. Since he has been in Germany, I call him 2 times a day or 1 time even sometimes only leaving a message, since I know he will very busy so I don’t want to disturb him. But the last 2 weeks, I feel that he has changed.

One time I sent him a message saying I love him and miss him and he replied, "So what it doesn’t change." He told me my feelings to him have changed and are not the same as 4 years ago. When I called him and said my feelings are the same, nothing changed, he said nothing. When I asked him again what is wrong with him, he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be just a friend and told me this relationship will not work. This happened 3 days before my birthday. And now I am still crying don’t know what to do and he still doesn’t know that I am pregnant. My friend told me I don’t have to tell him that I am pregnant and told me I can do this and said, even if I tell him, this situation will not change since he doesn't love me anymore.

Thank you
Lily

Dear Lily,

What a rotten situation to be in, my heart goes out to you.

Because he’s saying “so what it doesn’t change” I have to believe his problem was with the ongoing LDR and not the relationship itself. Have you two spoken about this? Did he try to get you to move to him, or was this out of the blue? I would be asking him if he fell out of love with you or simply got fed up with the distance. Some people mistake one for the other.

If there’s nothing that can be said or done to save the relationship on his end, then you need to decide what you want to do. How do you feel about remaining friends? Is this the kind of person you want in your life regardless of their role, or would it be too painful to interact with them knowing they don’t love you back? If you want him to continue being part of your life, you do need to tell him about the baby at some point. A baby isn’t something you can hide.

If, however, you would rather move on and cut contact, I personally wouldn’t mention the baby. If you can raise that child to be healthy and happy on your own, and you don’t need additional support, it could make your life a whole lot easier if you don’t have to juggle the complexities of an international father. Obviously, this is my opinion. I don’t speak for Michelle or LFAD as a whole. I personally would not want a permanent tie to an ex who has never been part of my child’s life and doesn’t need to be. You need to think about what’s best for you and your baby.

Until you know, hold off on telling him. You can tell him about the pregnancy at any time, but you can’t take the information away if you change your mind.

Congratulations on your unexpected blessing, it will all work out in the end.

Dear Miss U,

For over the past year, it seems that all we ever do is fight. We've been getting into it more and more. I feel even the smallest things set off fights with tears in the end. He's very jealous and he's aware that he needs to work on it but I'm not sure if he just doesn't want to get better or he doesn't know where to start. I can only help so much till I feel like I can't do anything and I get frustrated. Some days are very good, the longest we went was 2 weeks, but sadly we went right back to fighting. I want things to get better but I'm not sure how I could help or what other things I should be saying to help him more. I don't want to be a therapist for him so much but rather be a girlfriend that can care.

Nelly

Dear Nelly,

You’re entirely correct. You are not his therapist and you shouldn’t have to be. He knows he has a problem, now he needs to man up and get some help with it. Professional help. There’s no shame in baggage, we’ve all got it, but if he doesn’t deal with it he will destroy this relationship and every relationship he has after it.

Here’s the thing, if he waits too long to get help the damage of all the fights will become irreparable. It will be a case of too little too late. With that said, he has to be ready to change for any kind of therapy to be effective.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot you can do. You can ask him to get help, you can even make him an appointment, but you can’t make him go and even if you could, you couldn’t force him to listen.

Personally, I’d be putting my foot down. Give him a set period of time (like six months) to find a therapist or program that will help him unpack his jealousy, and to start implementing consistent changes, and if there’s no noticeable effort on his part, you put yourself first and walk away. No matter how much it hurts. Sometimes you have to say “get help, or get out.”

Ask him what you can do to support him. Make yourself available to do so. You can even put together a list of where to start or numbers he can call to reach a professional. But beyond that it’s on him. Don’t wait forever for a change that might never come.

Dear Miss U, My partner and I have been together for 2 years. We were both at university together, we’ve graduated and traveled together, lived together, and he’s my absolute best friend. We had an amazing relationship where we shared everything and communicated so well, we adored each other. He qualified to work on cruise ships as a commercial officer last year and I’m finding the distance a lot harder than expected. It’s taking me a lot longer to acclimatize than I thought it would, and I feel guilty for this because I’m pushing him away so I can process and deal with how I’m feeling… [read more: When He Chooses Distance]
Dear Miss U, I am the jealous type!!! I have tried everything to try to fight this ugly part of me. … She is going to a concert all weekend. We won’t get to talk at night until 5 am (3-hour time difference) I trust her and I love her, but I am struggling with this. I don’t know if it’s that deep down I don’t trust her or if it’s the fact that I rely so much on getting to talk to her… [read more: Sad and Jealous]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.