When the Miles are Terrifying

Dear Thilo,

My heart is sad for you. Clearly, she is aware that she’s easily swayed, so I think when you see her you need to ask her what you asked me: How can she be truly neutral and decide what she wants when her cousin is there poisoning her mind against you? How can you possibly win?

I personally don’t understand why she can’t have a relationship with you while traveling with her cousin. I feel like I have to mention the fact that life does not end once you get married/ choose a life partner (because marriage isn’t everything!) People in their thirties, forties… hell, people in their sixties and seventies still have wants that might differ from their partners! They still do things without their partners around, and they remain a couple through it all. It’s an important life skill to develop the ability to retain your individuality within a long-term relationship.

Older people have to “find themselves” too. As we age, we evolve, and sometimes we’re so focused on life that we don’t notice, and we wake up one morning and we don’t know who we are. A perfect example of this is after I had kids. I finally got to a point where they would go to bed for the night and actually stay there. I had a whole hour of free time to myself all of a sudden! But I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know what I liked. I didn’t have any hobbies. I had to ask, “Who am I now? What am I into?” but you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t break up with my husband to figure it out! In fact, I turned to him for support.

I think that’s a key thing in relationships that last – the couple turns to each other to strengthen the relationship and themselves, rather than turning away. A person can’t just be in a relationship only when they are happy and life is easy, and if she thinks that’s how it works, maybe she’s not the one for you.

Hell, if she can’t defend you, and tell her cousin, “You’re not dating him so it’s not your decision,” how will you ever make it as a couple?

These are the things I believe you need to think over and discuss with her.

How to cope with a break is entirely different. What kind of break is it? Are you still exclusive, or will she be bringing people back to her bed to help her find herself? What are the rules you have set up together for this break? Is it low contact or no contact? Are you telling friends and family you’re still together (a private break) or are you telling them you’re currently broken up and seeing how it goes?

I think you need to take a leaf out of her book and focus on looking after yourself here. Make yourself your number one priority because you’re certainly not hers. I know it’s a little petty, but if it was me I’d be throwing myself into life and having the best time possible. I’d be so busy living it up I wouldn’t even spare her a thought, though that’s easier said than done.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope that she can find the strength she needs to stand up for what she truly wants.

Dear Tommy,

You mean you were sexually intimate, right? Just say it! We had sex. Practice in the mirror if you need to, because it’s not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of, and if you ever have to talk to a doctor about reproductive health you’ll be grateful not to be a babbling, blushing mess. You’re an adult, you can talk about intimacy like an adult, cool?

Ok, now that’s sorted… are you saying the start of your LDR is more than a year away? Because that’s how I read it. She’ll move in a year or so. Um, so why is she trying to break up now? Anything could happen within a year! She might decide not to move, you might get a job or scholarship and be able to move with her, or you might decide you’re completely incompatible and the relationship dies of its own accord. At worst you’d get an extra year of bliss with each other.

Maybe I read that wrong and you’re already long distance, and she’ll be moving somewhere else in a year. Does that mean only a year of long distance? Because a year is nothing. What’s one year of masturbating on the phone compared to a lifetime with the one you love?

Either way, I think you need to sit down with her and dig into these concerns. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you are serious about this relationship. Ask her to make a plan with you so that the long-distance portion of your relationship is as short as practicably possible. Ask her what she fears so much about long distance and make a plan together to address these concerns.

With the right support and mindset, an LDR is not the terrifying thing people make it out to be.