Dear Miss U,
I have a LDR with a boy my age, he is a sweetheart but has some above average sexual satisfaction needs. I, on the other hand, have NO interest in sex or anything. I just don’t need it at all, and the thought of it kind of scares me.
I have had intercourse earlier with him, but it was painful to me each time and so my lust disappeared completely. I also have non-existent self-esteem which makes it difficult to me to have any “sexy time” at all.
He says he has stopped hoping for anything, and I feel like I am taking something important from him. He is clear that he does not want to push me, but he wants me to try. I am hardly able to discuss it at the moment because of guilt and dread. I want him happy, but I am unable to give him what he needs and deserves. I feel like a failure as a girlfriend.
My main question here is: why would my sex drive just disappear? Is it my self-esteem? I am also diagnosed with social anxiety, depression and tirednessyndrome (ME). My doctor says it might be the ME.
Everyone is suggesting that I just try again, but I am honestly terrified of it. I don’t even know why. I hope you have more clues than me as to what is wrong with me.. I can’t make him happy this way.
Worst Girlfriend Ever
Dear Girlfriend,
The fact that you have spoken to your doctor about this already and I don’t have to tell you to go speak to your doctor makes me hold you in high regard. You rock!
I also want you to know that you’re not alone, I personally can relate deeply on this issue. Libido is dependent on so many things. Self esteem, mental health, physical health, chemistry, past experiences and the list goes on. First point of call is to make sure you are as healthy as you can manage, which isn’t at all easy. Start by eating well, focusing on whole plant-based foods, and by getting outside for twenty minutes a day. Even a slow walk catching some Pokemon will do your body and mind the world of good. Next, start your bedtime routine half an hour earlier than you have been, and stop looking at back-lit screens at least an hour before bed. Then begin taking time for yourself every day to do something sensual. Long baths, scented candles, refreshing frappes, lusty music – whatever engages your senses whilst still being good for you. Ice cream is luxurious and engages the senses but also tends to make us feel guilty which defeats the purpose. You are being kind to your body here, so make good choices.
A personal favorite of mine for this sensuality exercise is to rub a moisturizer into my whole body. It requires being naked and touching yourself kindly which I feel helps with the self-acceptance. It’s also great to do with your partner, if you are both clear that it isn’t going to go anywhere. I know in my own relationship sometimes we get so busy with life that the loving touches and foreplay fall away and soon the only time he is touching me is because he wants it to lead to sex; which can feel very sudden. I am a woman not an oven that you can just turn on and expect it to be hot and ready in ten minutes! So to combat this I like to make time to be sensual together without pressure for it to lead to sex. I want to be close to him and feel loved by him without feeling like he just “wants one thing”. If you’re nodding your head as you read this then it’s time to have a talk with your boyfriend about making the relationship as a whole more intimate and sensual, before you worry about getting more sexual.
It also occurs to me that at his tender young age and considering the pain you’ve had that maybe he just isn’t very good at it yet. That’s nothing to be embarrassed about and it’s not an insult. Sex is complicated and every partner you have enjoys different things. Pain often indicates three things: 1) Not enough foreplay 2) Not enough lube and 3) Too much fear.
Fear makes everything tight and dry in all the worst ways. (It works the same way for birth, so just tuck that knowledge away for ten years or so.) You need to be able to relax and let the fear go, and the easiest way to do that is by unclenching your jaw. Stop gritting your teeth and breathe out slowly, imagine the fear and pain leaving with your breath. Loose top, loose bottom. (Jiggling your bum works too and is hilarious, but confidence and familiarity probably make this a try-in-five-years option).
And if it still hurts? Tell him to stop.
Yes, that’s right. Even if he has already penetrated you, you still have the right to withdraw your consent. You are allowed to change your mind and it doesn’t make you a terrible girlfriend, a bitch, a prick-tease or any of those other horrible slurs. (Though I recommend giving him a good blow job rather than a see-you-later!)
Or you can tell him to pause. Tell him to wait until your body adjusts to his. He or you can stroke your clitoris during sex to up the enjoyment factor (Fun fact: only 30% of women can orgasm without clitoral stimulation.) You can take breaks. You can talk about your sex while you are having sex. And before. And after. And while you do the dishes. You should be talking about sex twice as much as having it, and if you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.
Talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. Talk about how great cunnilingus is. Tell him about how great it is while he’s doing it. And no, it isn’t gross. And yes you deserve it. And no you don’t have to wax either. You can if it makes you happy, but all the best picnic places require you to crawl under a few shrubs and this isn’t any different.
Lastly, masturbate. Let yourself feel good. Remind your body that you like this. That it’s fun and relieves stress. For some women the more we have the more we want, but if we go a while with nothing there’s just zero interest. Stoke your own fire. When you are ready invite him to masturbate with you. Show him the things you do that feel amazing, and watch what he does to himself without shame. Take turns too. Sometimes your intimate time is going to be one sided. Sometimes it should be all about you. Sometimes it’s going to be a foot rub and your favorite CD and the position you like best and he better spoon you afterwards too. While other times you might mentally be interested but your body isn’t on-board so it’s going to be the fancy lube, wearing his favorite nail polish, telling him how sexy he is and getting a little RSI in your wrist. It’s OK.
Remember that penetrative sex isn’t the end goal. It isn’t the holy grail of sexual encounters. You can have fantastic sex without a hard penis in sight. You can have fantastic sex on your period. You can have fantastic sex at a distance. Not all sex is intercourse, and there’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship if one or more types of sexual encounters aren’t on the menu for a little while. I do feel we have an obligation to meet our partner’s needs, just as they are obligated to meet ours, but that doesn’t mean forcing yourself to “lay there and think of England” while you feel like you are being chain-sawed in half.
You are not broken. You are not the worst girlfriend or even a bad girlfriend. You are a perfectly normal, beautifully complicated, woman who is on the journey to understanding her sexual self. Be your own best friend, no matter what you look like or what difficulties you face and take it slowly. He will either wait and support and nurture you thereby creating a lasting and satisfying bond, or you will be rid of someone who didn’t deserve the honor of being inside you anyway.
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Comments 2
To "Worst Girlfriend Ever"
I just want to say, not having a sex drive or interest in sex does not make you broken, not in the slightest. There are plenty of other people who feel the same, including myself and my datemate. We (and several of my other friends) are asexual. If you haven't heard of it before, I would encourage you to look it up! I didn't know it was a thing until I was in college. Basically asexuality is when you don't experience sexual attraction. However this doesn't mean that you can't be romantically attracted to people. Even amongst asexuals different people have different views on having sex. Some are repulsed by the idea, some are positive about it anyway because they find it a way to show love even if they don't have the same sort of attraction their partner might have, and others are indifferent about it.
I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend is trying to be understanding, even if he may not completely get it. I hope you can take time and figure out what works for you as an individual, be it some of the things Miss U wrote above, or being more comfortable and accepting of what you feel (because what you are feeling is just as natural and right as someone who has a high sex drive!). You aren't alone and I wish you the best of luck 🙂
And I agree with Miss U, you are NOT the worst girlfriend, or a bad one, you sound like you genuinely are trying to make things work, even though you are in a tough position to try and work through. You are being a good you, and a good girlfriend.
Something in addition to the fact that he might not be very good at it that I didn't see addressed: If they're both new with intercourse, they may have so far only tried the traditional "missionary position." This position can be VERY painful because the man is on top and in control. I would suggest that the next time she feels comfortable trying it out again, that she be on top! They both might really love it and it gives her the power to stop when it starts to hurt, only take in the tip, get comfortable with the feeling of his penis, give the vagina time to relax and loosen up, or anything else!
Before ever having intercourse, I was terrified of it being painful. When I lost my virginity, I was on top and couldn't manage the penis any deeper than the tip. So I told him I couldn't go any deeper, he said it was ok, and I began humping just the tip. Before the end, I had loosened up and managed to get the whole thing in without any pain! I highly recommend taking the power of top position sometimes!! Best of luck!