When you're the one left behind. - Long Distance Relationships

Dear Miss U,

My SO and I have been dating for more than 2 years, but this year he got the opportunity to go to another country to improve his English. I was very supportive of this, helping him with everything he needed in this new country. He is staying there for 6 months. I knew it was going to be hard, but never knew it was going to be this hard for me (it has only been 2 weeks). I always tell him to have fun and to enjoy this new experience he is getting to live. But, recently, he is starting to go out more and more. I know that was exactly what I told him to do, have fun, but due to the time difference (I am 2 hours ahead) I can’t stay up waiting for him to get home safely, or to even talk to him. But when I try to go to bed, I just cry and my mind goes places I never knew existed. I get jealous not only that he's meeting new friends but that he is having fun, drinking, and dancing with people I don’t know. And the problem is not only that we don’t get to talk when he goes out, it is that when I even get to wait for him to get home and we do get to talk, I get so angry with how much fun he is having and all these girls he is meeting. I didn’t consider myself a jealous girlfriend, I trust him I really do, but my mind is making me go crazy it is even starting to affect my health. I know communication is the key but I don’t even know what to say to him; he isn’t doing anything wrong and I know that. What can I do to stop feeling this way?

Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy,

I think you need to start with telling him that you’re aware it’s irrational, and you know he isn’t doing anything wrong, but this is still how you feel. Just be honest about it, like you were with me. It is hard! There's no shame in feeling this way.

From there, perhaps you can set something up together so that you feel less left out. A date night each week that nobody cancels on for any reason, and/or a commitment to talking at a different time of day, even if the conversation is shorter. He might even be willing to reign the partying in a little while you both transition to the distance.

What you can do to help battle these feelings is get involved in something you care about, a new and exciting hobby. Part of the reason we feel jealous at times like this is because our partners are out there living their dreams and having grand new experiences, but our lives haven’t changed. All we are left with is the gaping hole they used to fill. To combat this I recommend throwing yourself into new experiences, too. Fill your time full of whatever sets your soul on fire, so when he’s talking about all these parties, you can bring your own fun stories to the table. Work hard on the things you want to achieve so you can see the progress you’re making in your own life, or go party a little yourself instead of being so focused on his life.

Even with these things, sometimes you’ll still get jealous and you’ll have to talk yourself down from it. That’s normal. Be kind to yourself, and remember it’s only a few months. You can do this!

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I fell in love super hard after we met at work. After dating for 7 months we both decided to join Americorps. His program is different than mine and is in another state. He had to leave a month before me because of a team leader opportunity. We will be apart for a total of 10 months and have a strong mutual understanding that we are going to stay together and love each other enough to make this work. After only 2 weeks I’m starting to feel extremely insecure and annoyed. He is busy with training and I am still at home doing the same things until I leave for my program in 3 weeks. We FaceTime almost every night but it’s always a last minute, “Hey are you free to talk in 15 minutes?” Instead of a secure plan or schedule to look forward to. I need more structure. I feel like I’m waiting by my phone all day for him to surprise call me but he doesn’t. Are my expectations too high? Am I asking too much for small gestures? How can I put my mind at ease until I leave for my program where I’ll be just as busy as him?

Kirby

Dear Kirby,

That’s rough, I can see how that would make for a long few weeks! Is there anything you can do now to get the edge when your program starts?

Even if you’re not moving away, you’re going to be very busy soon, so now is a great time to lavish the other people in your life with attention. Maybe even take a short trip to see that old friend who moved away or that relative that lives in the country.

Look at your life and see what part of it could benefit from all your spare time; you’re bound to have projects you’ve been putting off or friends you’ve neglected.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t mention it to him, you should. Maybe he hasn’t realized what it feels like to be the one left waiting behind. It’s never a bad thing to tell your partner how you feel, just make sure he knows you’re expressing yourself rather than trying to find someone to blame.

Overall staying busy and making sure your own life is as satisfying as possible is key.

I hope the time passes quickly for you.

Dear Miss U, I am the jealous type!!! I have tried everything to try to fight this ugly part of me. … She is going to a concert all weekend. We won’t get to talk at night until 5 am (3-hour time difference) I trust her and I love her, but I am struggling with this. I don’t know if it’s that deep down I don’t trust her or if it’s the fact that I rely so much on getting to talk to her… [read more: Sad and Jealous]
Dear Miss U, I’ve been together with my LDR boyfriend for almost 9 months now and these past few weeks, he’s always not in the ‘mood to call.’ He used to take every opportunity to try and talk to me, call me, or spend time with me, but nowadays he just spends time with his games and friends. Yes, I know they’re important to him but we barely talk to each other now and whenever I ask if we can call, he would sometimes get pissed and say that I’m too clingy and that we can’t call every day. It really makes me feel lonely as he doesn’t make time for me anymore… [read more: Are You Too Clingy?]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.