Dear Miss U,
The boy that I have been in this relationship for this long time and never actually met. he knows me better than anyone and even when he makes me cry, I only want to cry to him and lately we haven’t been getting along. I keep saying I’m going to leave him and I never can do it and it’s hurting him and he is taking it out on me by not showing he cares. he won’t say he loves me or he won’t call me any “pet names” anymore. I don’t know what to do and I know I don’t want anyone except him but overthinking is killing me mentally because I keep thinking he won’t do anything for me because he won’t text me as often please give me advise so I can tell him because we aren’t talking right now and when we don’t talk my heart hurts and I cry when I think about him. help!!!!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Love and relationships are not a game, and until you stop playing as though it is a game neither of you will be able to have long lasting fulfilling relationships. It is really that simple.
Firstly, never threaten to break up. And if you break up, stay that way. Know that it is permanent. Know that this isn’t a game. Because when you don’t follow through on something you threaten you lower your own credibility, and when you say things you don’t mean you give your partner no reason to trust you.
Secondly, you are not authorities over each other’s lives. It is hard when you are young, because you are so used to having people (parents, guardians, teachers,) who have control over your life that you think it is normal for all relationships to have that dynamic. It isn’t. You are both your own people, and when you do something he doesn’t like, or he does something you don’t like, you don’t get to punish each other.
Make it your priority not to hurt each other. You are on the same team, not opposing forces, so look at your problems from that perspective. He isn’t trying to hurt you, he’s a kid trying to learn how relationships work – just as you shouldn’t be trying to hurt him (because that only hurts the relationship and thus you) you should be trying to find solutions that work for both of you.
Lastly, if you’re in a relationship with someone because you want them to do stuff for you, you are there for the wrong reasons and need to be single until you grow up a bit. Frequency of texting tells you nothing about the health of your relationship, about his feelings for you or about how well he will look after you in the future. Texting is not a great platform to base a relationship on.
What you need to do from here is open dialog with him, apologize for playing games and make a commitment to resist the dramatic. From there, have an honest conversation about what your problems actually are. You say you haven’t been getting along – get to the root of why. It could be as simple as talking too much or it could just be you need time to heal from the horrible games you’ve played with each other. Time to prove to each other that you are in this together, and that you each want what is best for the other. Put your emotions aside, and find out what the issues are. Then, both of you can offer solutions and compromises. You might not both be 100% happy with the outcomes, but they need to feel fair. You should feel heard and respected. There should be comfort from supporting each other and maintaining the relationship together, even if you are still wounded for a little while.
These things don’t get better over night, but if you are both trying time will heal the damage of the past. Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dealing with distance due to my college situation and his job. Both of us can’t move at the moment, but we decided to be together regardless because we cared so deeply for each other.
After 4 months of falling in love, my boyfriend had to move to be able to find work. I had to stay because I am still in college, and still have 3 more years to go. It’s been almost three years now, and we started to notice how he wasn’t communicating with me the way he used to in the past several months. Talking about it we realized how hard the distance has been on the both of us, and that I was expecting things from him that he couldn’t promise to keep. We decided to try breaking up 3 days ago, because we don’t know if our future will lead us to be living in the same city anytime soon.
We told each other that we weren’t going to speak in the next few weeks, to see how it goes.
Even though we talked about it openly and honest, I still can’t help thinking that we just took the easy way out instead of solving the problem. I want to call him to see if he feels the same way, but because of our agreement I feel it would be wrong. The again I feel if I don’t let him know how I feel now, I will loose him forever.
Is it too soon to call him and talk about this recent decision? He is the only one I trust to talk to. I really want to live with him, should I press this issue even though I don’t know where I will be transferring next year?
Trouble in Love
Dear Trouble in Love,
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you this: Your future doesn’t lead you anywhere. You make the decisions to shape your future. If you want to be together in your future, you need to take the paths that lead you together and reject the paths that lead you away.
Love and relationships are an important cornerstone of our lives. Yes, education is vital. Careers are deeply important. We deserve to be fulfilled, to find meaning beyond making an income in the things we do every day, and to have the money to pursue our dreams. But love is also a big deal. Having someone to share your dreams with, someone who will help you achieve them, makes them sweeter. Having someone to share your fortune with makes it more rewarding. Having someone to look back on a memory with makes it more real.
Let me tell you that it is perfectly fine to choose love. It is good to make love a priority, as long as you are doing so with a partner willing to do the same. Don’t make someone your whole world, or make sacrifices for someone who would never come close to doing the same for you, but if you want him – if you want each other and this relationship – you have to make it happen. It is okay to make choices to facilitate your togetherness even if those choices cause a necessary delay in another area of your life.
This is your life. You are living it every day. If something makes you unhappy, step up and change it. No outside force is going to do the hard work for you, you have to set goals – stepping stones – in the direction you want your life to go.
