Hi Miss U,
My boyfriend and I are in a committed, long-term relationship. He and I met in undergrad, which we are graduating from later this month (May). I was accepted to graduate school in Pittsburgh – and we live in NYC. We are both in the theater industry. He is staying here to pursue his acting career, which I support. I am moving to Pittsburgh for the program, which is two years, and we plan on using bus to visit each other as much as possible. I also plan on moving from Pittsburgh after graduating from the program. I would love to come back to NYC, but it is really impossibly to plan due to jobs, other possibilities, other city options, and it’s just too far in the future to even guess at.
He and I have talked about moving to be with each other eventually, even if that means one of us relocates, but right now we have no idea when that might be, other than after May 2016 or so. Also, I want us to support each other, and that may mean extending distance for a few months if I get a good job in another city, or can’t find one in NYC, or want to move somewhere else, etc. There are just a lot of unknowable factors.
How do you recommend us handling this? I love him dearly, and am committed to doing whatever we can to make this work (presuming we are both happy). How can we maintain morale, and look forward to being together one day, when we don’t yet know when that will be? Any other tips or thoughts are welcome.
Thank you,
Faith Without End Date
Dear Faith,
I think there comes a time in most (I hate to say all) long distance relationships where one or both parties needs to make the relationship their primary priority so the distance can be closed and the relationship can progress. Life is rarely so kind as to put you both in the same place at the same time while giving you everything you desire on other fronts too. Amazing opportunities sometimes do present themselves, but more often than not you have to be looking for them, fighting for them.
You’ve been committed to this relationship for a good portion of time, by now both of you know if it is worth it or not. If you want each other in your future plan it, don’t wish for it. Make it a goal, and start taking the steps required to achieve it.
I recognize that you’ve said it’s impossible to plan, but all that says to me is “we have higher priorities than being together” – which is perfectly fine if both of you are happy with being second to each other’s personal career goals. It might even be ideal for both of you to have the love and support of a relationship without feeling the need to make any sacrifices. For now just keep communication open on the subject so you know you’re both on the same page.
Sometimes the biggest problem isn’t not knowing when; it’s that without a solid date it’s hard to know that it definitely will happen. It’s hard to feel secure. Perhaps the two of you can talk about other ways to get that security (and then share it with us here, because I’m drawing a blank.)
In my opinion, maintaining morale has a lot to do with counting your blessings and looking at the positives of your situation – and encouraging your partner to do the same. It’s about acknowledging that you chose to follow this path and not feeling sorry for yourself about it. Remind yourselves why this is the best relationship for you, talk about those things that make this exactly what you want and need. And have fun together, because that will get you through when everything else seems too hard.
Dear Miss U,
So earlier this year my dad promised me that me and my LDR gf could stay at a hotel together in NJ. The price is about $66 a night. We were planning to stay a week maybe and split the costs 50/50. But a few weeks ago we got into a big argument just cuz he was being a jerk about it cuz he wanted me to not send her any presents even tho I was returning the favor after she had sent me a present, and at the end of it he told me to “NEVER BRING HER UP AGAIN”. But me and her both REALLY wanna have this vacation together. Her parents are totally fine with us meeting up and my mom seems to not care. But idk what my dad will say if I bring it up now. What can I do to convince him to let me go? Or how do I even bring it up after that argument?
– Speeda
Dear Speeda,
You are an adult. You don’t need permission to go anywhere. What you do need is to take responsibility for maintaining your own relationship, and that starts by taking control of your own finances. Get a job so you aren’t relying on your parents to pay for these things and then perhaps they will support you mentally/emotionally as an adult rather than trying to control you like a child (giving or denying permission to travel; restricting you speaking about your girlfriend etc.)
If you live under someone else’s roof and are supported by them you are going to be subject to their rules and whims, it’s the price you pay unfortunately.
If I’ve misunderstood and you are paying for this trip yourself, then I would recommend you keep your mother informed of the planning so that someone knows where you are in case something should go wrong, and then just mention in passing to your dad that you’re going. Don’t act like it’s a big deal or as though you think you need to feel guilty and that gives your father less power over you. Act like an independent adult and in time your family will see that you are one and will act accordingly.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend Brayden and I have been dating for 10 months now…. one tiny problem my parents don’t know…the only reasons I haven’t told my parents yet are A) the distance 2,100 miles! B) the age difference 3 years and C) my dad is very overprotective… how should I tell them? Because I want to go see him someday…
– Cassie
Dear Cassie,
One thing I’ve noticed is big confessions tend to end badly, so don’t go there. Instead, gradually introduce your parents to the idea of Brayden as your friend first. I’m a big supporter of name dropping, for example, your dad says something about a tv show he’s been watching, you respond “Oh, my friend Brayden mentioned liking that one as well, but I haven’t seen it. What’s it about?”
This gets your parents used to hearing his name, but usually because you’ve asked a question they are less likely to pry too intently into who this friend is. You can even test run this strategy using the names of other friends first.
Once your parents have been hearing his name for a while, and maybe asked some questions, you can further demonstrate him being part of your world and potentially theirs. A simple way to do this is to have him send your family a Christmas card. (Yes, I know December is a long way away, but I do recommend taking this process slowly).
Over time they will notice the expression on your face when you’re texting him, they’ll see how eager you are to complete all your homework so you have time to Skype, and they will be impressed by the positive effects your contact with him has on your life, (assuming you are happier, more confident and don’t become a recluse!)
At some point they will ask you if you are dating, and then you can answer honestly. Tell them that you are, but that because you’re long distance you are taking each step slowly and trying to really get to know each other. If you don’t act like you think you’re doing something wrong, you will be far less likely to be treated as though you have, so be confident and unashamed. Answer openly and offer to have them meet over Skype.
I know that seeing him someday might seem like a long way away, and because you are so young it likely is; but remember that waiting 2-3 years (or more) to meet will be a blink of an eye when you’re in your thirties looking back over the beautiful times you’ve had together, and be patient.
