Without communication, there’s nothing.

Dear Ebony,

I’m not sure why talking to other girls is a problem. Personally, I think it’s a weird and disruptive hang-up; this idea men and women can’t be friends. Worse, I think it is utter bullshit that we’re encouraged to believe so little of guys that they can’t control themselves or their sexual attractions. I assure you, they can.

When I see one partner trying to control who the other keeps contact with I get my hackles up. Being in love doesn’t give us the right to dictate who our partner can hang out with. Yes, I think it’s great for couples to sit down and establish rules within their relationships, especially in those early years where trust is still being built, but those boundaries really shouldn’t go as far as “you can’t talk to that person because of their genitalia and/or gender identity.”

For the purpose of this letter, I’m going to assume there was some concerning content in their conversations (mostly because his name is in her bio. WTF?) Perhaps one of them had expressed attraction to the other. Because if they are just talking about Game of Thrones or something and you’re cutting off their friendship, that would make you the person in the wrong, not him. And if there was nothing concerning about their friendship except her gender, I would think that your jealousy might be what damaged the relationship in the first place.

I can’t tell you whether it’s over or not, but I do believe closure comes best in person. If you can see him over the summer to find out how you both feel and discuss the future of your relationship, that would be best. To me, it’s the not knowing that’s the worst. The waiting. The "what ifs." If you can have one conversation that clarifies things one way or the other, that’s preferable for everyone.

Stress is hard and all people deal with it differently, but I’m a firm believer that we make time for the people and activities that matter to us. You’re well within your right to ask him what’s up with his reticence and call him on the fact he’d rather talk to others than you. Maybe even mention to him that you would find his busy life much easier to understand and support if you were included in it, or at least had a vague idea about how things were going. In a long distance relationship, if you don’t have communication, what do you have?

With that said, sometimes help can come too little, too late. By then you’ve already prepared for the worst. You’ve withdrawn to protect yourself. By the time you get to see him again, you might decide that future isn’t the one you want. Something else might be best for you. And that’s okay too.

I’m the kind of person that fights to the death for relationships long after they’re viable, so listen to your gut instead of me on that. If it’s time to go, there’s no shame in stepping away from a person or situation that makes you feel unwanted and unimportant. If you are driven to do all you can to save it (and you don’t cross over into stalker territory) do that. Do what you need to do. If you need to demand answers, do it. You need to take a trip there that you can’t really afford, do that. You need to break it off and hide in a tub of ice cream for a week? That’s fine too.

Listen to what you truly desire, and be your best version of yourself.
It always works out okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

Dear Jasmine,

Am I even legally allowed to tell you to sneak around behind your parents’ backs? I’m not sure on a moral level or as a parent myself what to say, so let’s cover the easy stuff.

• Don’t break any laws. This includes sending nudes at your age.
• Be safe, not stupid. Don’t run away to meet up with him; always let a responsible adult know where you are.
• If it’s true love, you have forever together. Don’t rush anything.
• Ask yourself seriously what an older guy sees in you, and why he doesn’t have a girlfriend his own age. I’m personally not against your tiny four year age gap, but it’s good advice I wish I’d taken back when I was doing the dating-older-dude thing.
• Your parents love you and think they are doing what’s best, even when their rules are dumb. Show them respect, and tell them you love them.
• Your relationship is really new, focus on getting to know each other. You don’t need to be talking every day at this stage, build a foundation of friendship before anything else.
• Remember to have fun.
• Ask your parents what their concerns are and address them calmly like an adult to earn their respect.
• Trust your gut, not your heart. If something feels fishy, it probably is.
• You might need to wait a couple of years to really delve into this relationship. That’s okay. Love waits.

I know some of these things sound like no fun at all, but I’m old, happily married, and experienced in long distance. You can trust that I know what I’m talking about.
Try not to overthink this stuff. It only has to be a big dramatic rebellious thing if you make it that way.

Good luck,