Miss You Issues: Worries and Woes - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend has decided to go to Australia for approximately 2 years. I am still in the UK and I feel the prospect of him staying out there daunting. We have had many chats about the future and if we would be better off breaking up, but we love each other too much and just can’t. We are set on making it work out, but it is so hard. Now because of him working and lack of contact, I have been getting really upset. I always think the worst and might not be making an effort even though I know he is just busy working. I am also wondering how long is okay to re-meet. I am just unhappy with the whole situation and love him to bits but he is so bad with communication and I just want him to be not so far away. I do not want to go to Australia in the future as I’d rather stay in the UK with friends and family, and I just think he doesn’t truly know what he wants either. I think I’ve been pretty understanding and patient but is it essential to know a time-scale and go with the certainty of him staying in Australia for good or not. I just feel caught in the middle of the situation that I basically have to just put up with him. Breaking up is not an option for us.

Miss Worryalot

Dear Miss Worryalot,

You didn’t ask a question, so I’m just going to talk and hope something useful comes of it.

I too hate uncertainty. I’d rather know for sure there are hard times ahead and prepare myself than proceed blindly. It’s hard to hold on to an LDR or make plans when you have no idea what your partner is going to do; unfortunately, sometimes people legitimately don’t know.

In times like those, I plan for the worst-case scenario. For you, that would be him permanently moving to Australia. You say breaking up is not an option, which I love to see, but is that still true if he falls in love with the land down under? Would you be willing to take an extended holiday there and see if the country can win you over, or is that a deal breaker? You can’t stay long distance forever.

If he did want to stay in Australia, I would hope that would be a joint decision. In my opinion, one partner can’t just say, “I’m settling in another country, make of it what you will,” and expect the other to roll with it. Right now your relationship is still new so I can understand him making decisions at this point that were probably set in motion before you got together, but once you’re past the one year mark, it’s rude for him to still be thinking “I” instead of “we.”

The length between visits varies wildly from couple to couple. Once or twice a year makes the most sense to me, generally people can’t get more time off work than that, but sometimes visits aren’t possible and that’s not a big deal. The key to success doesn’t lie in visits, but in strong communication.

Honestly, if he’s bad at communicating, won’t learn how to communicate better, can’t give you an end date, and isn’t working on some kind of compromise, I wonder what you’re getting out of this arrangement at all. And that is something you need to consider – what’s in this for you? What’s the payoff for all your patience and support? What is he doing, or willing to start doing, to heal and prevent resentment in your relationship?

Keep talking to him. Tell him how unhappy you are and ask him to work with you on a compromise. You’re an equal in this team, not a sidekick.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend got sent to military school. He’s attending Marine Military Academy in Harlingen, TX. I’ve been doing tons of research and I’m not sure I can even write letters to him. What do I do!?

Please help!
Troubled in Texas

Dear Troubled,

I contacted the Military Academy and enquired about letters. They confirmed with me that yes, students can send and receive mail through the US postal service but you can’t send him a care package during his first four weeks of enrollment.

The staff seems friendly, and I’m sure they would welcome your phone call if you need more information. (I’m not in the US so I’m unwilling to make this phone call for you, sorry.)

Beyond that, don’t panic. You can get through this, and it will make a great story once you do.

All the best,

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.