Dear Miss U,
Me and my bf are in relationship only for 3 months, in that 3 months meet only once for a few hours. I’m really happy with him, but lately I’m getting worried. Currently we are really busy, we find time for each other every day and he really makes me happy, but every time we have a few hours to talk or spend together online we end up having phone sex or sexting or just talking about sex. I know that it’s new to us since we didn’t have chance to explore each other in that way yet but I’m bit worried that our relationship will be all about sex and that we will not be interested in each other anymore. I’m feeling that right now the only way we are getting to know each other is about sex and I want more. I already told him that I want to slow down which he misunderstood and he started to be really careful about boundaries and was really careful what he told me, or ask me and I don’t want that, I want him to be relaxed when speaking to me, and also I like all that about sex, I’m just worried because we’ll need to wait long time to be together and near each other. So my question is there anything I can do to indirectly talk about something else and to get to know each other in other ways so when this starts to be bit boring or not exciting any more we have something to talk about? I want him to want to get to know me as he used to past few months.
Thank you very much!
Elsa
Dear Elsa,
I personally don’t think that talking about sex a lot or having a lot of sexual contact early in a relationship is anything to worry about. It’s not abnormal in the slightest, and they are important topics to cover. If you’re planning on being monogamous, then you need to be well connected on a sexual level. Sexuality is a huge part of adult relationships and anyone who tells you it isn’t important is probably single.
I highly doubt that your relationship is going to be just about sex. For the majority of couples the frequency of sex gets noticeably less as their relationship progresses. Novelty wears off, life gets in the way. Fatigue from work and having kids cut into your sexual opportunities drastically. So my advice is to enjoy this stage of heightened passion. Throw yourself into it and make a bunch of memories.
Long Distance Relationships can get boring and many couples struggle to find things they can do over the phone and online together. Phone sex is one of those things I strongly advocate because it can fill that void. Orgasm releases stress and is fun. If either of you become bored of how you reach that orgasm, change it up! It’s near impossible to get sick of someone you never see. Experiment together! Let it be an adventure.
As to talking about other things; bring it up to him again. Tell him there was a misunderstanding, and keep talking about this issue until you are both on the same page! If you still can’t reach an understanding, change the platform upon which you communicate. If you usually speak on the phone, for example, try web-camming or writing an email.
Be direct. Don’t hint, play games or try to reach the point indirectly. It doesn’t work. Being honest and clear is how you maintain a successful relationship. Leave love games to Hollywood.
Lastly, I recommend investing in a book of questions for couples, they are worth their weight in gold.
Good luck!
Dear Miss U,
How are you? Well, I would like to start off that I am dating this guy that is Moroccan. I do not know whether he is in the relationship for sex or just a normal relationship, I mean he does say he really likes me. But, at the end of the day he will end up with a Muslim girl, and it just breaks my heart. Do you think I should Continue on with this?
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
The holidays have been kind to me, thank you for asking. I hope you’re enjoying the festive season as well.
I feel that you might already know the answer to your question and that you are just looking for confirmation, but I will give you my thoughts on it regardless.
He may be hoping that you will change your religion and solve the problem for him. I honestly don’t recommend that; not because there’s anything wrong with being religious, but because spirituality is a very personal thing and you should never change a cornerstone of who you are for somebody else.
Already this situation is “breaking your heart” so already you are in too deep. That alone tells me you need to break it off now. If you are looking for someone who can give you a future, a love that lasts, then free yourself up to find that. Don’t bog yourself down in a dead-end relationship, because if Mr. Right comes along and sees you are already involved he will pass you by.
If on the other hand you are content to just have a good time, then have a good time and don’t worry about it. If you are unsure what he wants out of his contact with you, the best way to find out is to ask. Conjecture does you no favors; a conversation is where it’s at.
Be your own best friend.
Dear Miss U,
I’m scared of meeting him the first time I’ve been waiting so long for it but honestly petrified.
I’m scared that he’s going to take one look at me see something that he doesn’t like in person and not want me to be there but I’ll be there for 2 weeks so I can’t just go home, I’ll be with other people but that’s the main reason I’m going… any help here ??
Holly
Dear Holly,
I always recommend that people have enough money to leave early in the event it doesn’t work out, but the truth is, a lot of us just don’t. Myself included. And sometimes that does go badly. I have an acquaintance who visited his girlfriend for the first time, and there was just nothing there. He ended up spending an awkward week sleeping in his then ex-girlfriend’s brother’s room. As unfortunate as it was, no harm was really done. He learned the relationship was not for him, time passed, he went home and moved on. Not a big deal.
Think about it, what is the worst that could happen? You’ll be brokenhearted and embarrassed, but you will have other people there to fall back on. As long as you will be physically safe, it isn’t a big deal if the relationship doesn’t work out. The time will pass; you will go home and move on. It’s a milestone your relationship needs to reach so you can verify your feelings. It doesn’t make sense to avoid this meeting or to let yourself get unnecessarily worked up. Try to focus on the positives.
Likely, you are worrying over nothing. He knows what you look like if you’ve ever used a web cam or sent photos (assuming you have been honest in those photos) and he’s spoken to you at length so he knows he is interested in you. There’s an attraction there, and most of the time a strong mental emotional connection can override things that lack in physical appearance; if something is indeed lacking. And it probably isn’t. People are generally much more critical of themselves than of each other. I know I see a lot of things that Mr. E doesn’t notice. He is convinced that the grey hair my co-workers point out, the cellulite that taunts me, and weird shape of my breast are all figments of my imagination. Likewise, I don’t know why he cares so much about how much hair grows where on his body or why he compares himself unfavorably to more muscular men. He doesn’t have to be perfect to be perfect for me, and I’m sure your boyfriend feels the same about you.
