Dear Miss U,
Well my boyfriend has a best friend since they were two and I have a feeling she likes him. Now he’s told me he simply sees her as a friend but since she has the distance between me and him to her advantage I don’t know what to do. I just wanna know my heart won’t be broken. How can I learn to trust him without ruining his friendship? I was wondering if you could please help me I’d really appreciate it. Thanks
With love,
Su Chaparrita
Dear Su,
They have had roughly their whole lives to become a couple, and they have not done it. It’s entirely possible that she does have feelings for him, but not the feelings you are so afraid of. They’ve grown up together like siblings and shared each other’s darkest secrets. There’s no mystery there any more, no excitement, and if there was romantic attraction surely they’d have done something about it by now. It’s more likely that he’s been so far friend-zoned that she doesn’t see him as a guy anymore, rather just another friend. I encourage you to think of her as “just one of the guys” as well, because I feel like you wouldn’t be writing to me if this friend of his was male. He has no reason to go through the stress and effort of a long distance relationship if he wanted her instead, so trust in the logic of that. Perhaps you and her can forge a friendship and you will then see first-hand why she’s not the girl for him and you are. Not every woman is a threat to your relationship, find confidence in yourself. Trust that you are good enough, and all of a sudden trusting him will become easier.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We’d seen each other every day for 6-7 months, until this summer. We will be apart for 3 months. I am having a really hard time without him, but he doesn’t seem to miss me at all. We generally have a short, platonic phone convo once a day ending with him saying “I love you”, but I find myself feeling neglected and hurt. I’ve expressed that and he feels bad, but he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t have the time to come visit me and doesn’t seem to want me to come to him. I know the issue isn’t that he doesn’t love me or care. He wanted a relationship for 6 months before I agreed to go out with him. He was the first one to say I LOVE YOU. I know it’s just that he’s distracted and doesn’t feel like putting in the extra effort. I want him to try harder, but without me having to tell him exactly what to do. He wants me to walk him through how to fix his problems, but he should just be able to get online and get some ideas and be a better boyfriend. So how do I inspire him to change without nagging him and making things worse? I’m sure other people have had this problem. I wish he’d find this website! Please help me! I love him and I don’t want this to end our relationship.
Thank you!
~ Broken Hearted in Boston
Dear BHiB,
If I didn’t know better I’d think your letter was actually an entry plucked out of my diary from the earlier days of my relationship with Mr. E! Let me tell you something that I had to endure years of frustration to figure out: When you need something in your relationship, say it!
I know, it seems so unromantic to have to tell him how to make you happy, it’s hard to believe the words are genuine if you’ve told him what you need to hear him say. That never happens in the movies, everyone just knows the right thing to say to melt a heart, right? I know. But they are actors with scripts who have said the wrong thing half a dozen times before you started watching. I told Mr. E time and time again “Google it! I don’t come up with all my ideas to keep this relationship fun without help, I put time and effort in.” But eventually I figured out that he’s not going to do that, and if he is, it’s going to be rare and beautiful like a comet. And when he remembers to say the nice thing I’ve told him I need to hear, or gives me the exact necklace I asked him to get me for Christmas, I have the satisfaction of knowing that he listened to me and remembered that I told him something I felt was important. That’s worth something too. That’s beautiful and romantic as well as realistic.
He’s not going to change and that isn’t what love and relationships are about. Do our partners annoy us? Yes, of course they do. And we aggravate them right back. But you can’t go trying to change each other because then you wouldn’t be the same people who fell in love in the first place. Love isn’t a guessing game, he shouldn’t have to try and figure out what is in your mind. If you have the answer that “fixes his problems” then help him help you. Tell him what you want, what you need and what you like. When he gets it right praise him, give him the incentive to want to do it again.
Dear Miss U,
I have been in a LDR for 1 year now. It’s very hard, but it has been working and I have recently even been thinking about moving to his location. However, I have been given a curve ball. He wants to take a job offer in another country. He states that he can make a lot more money. He makes good money now, but states that he only would have to stay there for about 2 years and then he can come back and be set for life with all the money he will make. I feel like he is putting money in front of people. I don’t know what to think of it. He says if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. But I do feel like if he moved it would not work out. It’s a struggle day to day with him being in the same country and us only seeing each other every couple of months. If he moved there, we would only see each other maybe once a year. I do love him, but I can’t do more distance. I don’t understand why he wants to put more distance between us. I wish he would want us to not have distance anymore, I don’t know why he is so content with the distance. Am I over reacting? What should I do? Please I need your advice
~ Confused
Dear Confused,
I know what I’m about to say is both generic and sexist, but I think it applies to your situation: A man feels about his career the way a woman feels about her relationship.
See, generic and sexist. But if you take this and apply it to your life logically without letting your emotions get the better of you, suddenly things can start making a lot of sense. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you as much as you love him, it’s not like that. But how he shows that love and how he finds satisfaction in his life is different from the way you do. He wants to provide financial stability, he wants to make sure that as a couple all your practical needs are met and he needs that job satisfaction to feel like he is a worthwhile person in society. Whereas you need the emotional security and satisfaction that comes from having him around to look after. Where I would start is by asking him to look at it that way and tell him that if he’s not around you are unable to “do your job” and get that “job satisfaction”. You need the relationship on a different level than he does, but he may find turning down such an opportunity harder than you would in his place too.
Beyond that you have to decide if waiting another two years or so is an option for you. I know a lot of women in their twenties have a rough plan for how they expect life and love to unfold and I doubt waiting around for two years is part of that plan. I generally have the expectation that a couple who have been together a while should be prioritizing the relationship and moving closer, so no I don’t think you are overacting at all. However it makes more sense for him to do this one year in when you’re already long distance rather than being near-proximity to you for a while and then taking off.
I think that, given you’re willing to move for him anyway, you insist that if he’s going to take this job he needs to bring you with him. That way you both get what you need. No one’s life is ever poorer for having experienced living abroad.
Whatever happens, just be honest with him. If you can’t and won’t do more distance, then be upfront about it. Don’t play games and throw in guilt trips, but do be honest. Relationships are about both people getting what they need, and love is often displayed by the dreams and goals of one partner being adopted by both.
