I messed up a relationship with my ex 8 years ago. We were together 12 years and the last year we were together was not good, we argued all the time, I had credit cards he didn't know about - maxed out. He traveled with work all the time and came home late Thursday night instead of a Friday and caught me with a couple. Two weeks later he accepted a job in a new province over 2000 mi away. We had no contact for a year and then I email him. He found someone new, and we started to become good friends and discovered we both had feelings for each other. We spoke or texted daily and I flew out to see him. We were both in love and we knew it, but he loved the woman he was with. I accepted that. Our relationship kept growing and my feelings for him are stronger than ever. He has flown out to be with me for a night or two. I don’t want to break up his relationship but told him I want to see him more and have asked for a transfer with work. He wants me too. I have not signed the paperwork yet. I don't know what to do? I know this will go nowhere except for my happiness. It would kill me to end this but is that my option?
Better than before
Dear Better than before,
In all of this, the true victim is his girlfriend. She doesn’t realize she’s wasting her life with a cheater (even if you’re not sleeping with your ex, this is still an affair, unless they have an open relationship. But if she were aware of this situation, I’m sure you’d have mentioned it).
So my question is, how can you do this to another woman? Aren’t we supposed to uplift each other, protect each other, and stand together in solidarity? How would you feel, if roles were reversed?
What to do? You and I both know the answer. You don’t need or want me to tell you what the right thing to do here is. But knowing what you should do, and having the strength to do it are not the same things. This is a super hard decision. An awful painful situation. It’s normal that you’re struggling to see the way forward. But there is no winning here, not for you. Not for his girlfriend.
In the long term, do you believe you can be happy, living near him, seeing him more, but always knowing he goes home to her? Knowing he loves her. Is choosing her, and then having a sneaky side of you. Or will this too destroy you, just as you say ending it would do?
To me, it seems that moving there is just prolonging the pain. This is a “rip the bandage off quickly” and start over situation. If you move there happiness will be temporary at best.
I’m sad for you, it sounds like you deserve each other, but statistically, he isn’t going to leave her for you. And sometimes we’re better with a person because we’re not with them. Because we don’t have day to day stresses like shared finances.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I am in a very serious relationship with my boyfriend. He is extremely anxious and fragile. He takes everything to heart, even if I playfully tease him. He is very cautious when I talk to other people, although I have no true feelings for them. I want to try and build his trust. I've anything and everything about me to him, and he has done the same. There have been some bumps in the road that involves him thinking I cheated when it was really me scared to tell people I was sexually assaulted. I want him to trust me and be less anxious. I want him to be calm and not be so fragile.
Any advice?
H
Dear H,
It’s not your job to fix him. To fix anyone.
I think that’s an important message for people in relationships to internalize. The point of a relationship isn’t to fix your partner’s issues.
And make no mistake, this is his problem. Not yours.
I’m all for sensitive men. I married one. But this is who he is. If he’s an anxious person, nothing you can do is going to change that. He has to want it for himself and work toward it himself. Until then — and he might never choose to change — you must be able to love him and live with him as he is.
And just as you shouldn’t try to change him, he shouldn’t try to change you to better suit his anxiety.
You are going to talk to people in the community and online. You are going to have friends of all genders. You will probably even be close to a few people he can’t stand. That’s how it goes. Him knowing how to trust, and treating you with the respect you deserve rather than suspicion, isn’t your problem.
There’s nothing you can do to make him trust you, particularly seeming you’re not doing anything wrong to make him not trust you in the first place.
The best thing that builds trust between people is time. Time spent doing the right thing. Every time you go out to a party but come home to him (figuratively) that builds trust. Every time you converse with another human without flirting, that builds trust. It takes time and an accumulation of positive experiences for humans to feel safe with each other.
What not to do:
Don’t change for him.
Don’t stop going out in an effort to make him comfortable.
Don’t allow him to choose your friends either directly or through subtle pressure.
Don’t get into the habit of checking in, he’s not your dad.
Don’t try to change him.
Instead:
Meet him where he is emotionally.
Refrain from making jokes at his expense or playfully teasing him.
Keep communication open.
Continue to be true to yourself. He’s in love with you, not some domesticated version of you that bends to his whim.
Loving isn’t always easy — you’re taking two very different, multifaceted people and fitting them together—but it’s worth it.
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Comments 1
Better than before ( Cindy)
Hello Miriam,
Thanks for your comments. Very direct and true. Since I wrote to you, I have transfer with work and now live in an apartment three blocks from them. He told Amy , his girlfriend , about us and what is going on. She doesn't want to leave him and he's told her he loves for both of us. We all decide to meet together two weeks ago at a local coffee shop to discuss. Your very right – I don't want her wasting her time and I do feel like shit sneaking around. No need for that at my age and I told her that.
What I didn't mention in my 1st email to you ( for length and adult content ) is that we were a couple, we were into other women together. We were in that lifestyle for the duration of our relationship. I was the one who started seeing couples when the was away and didn't tell him. But our relationship had deteriorated long before then. Back to Amy, she knows about our lifestyle, what we did when we were together. Her and I talked one on one for almost an hour, she loves him and she knows he loves me also. She's not angry and she knows I've move to be closer to him / them. I told her I have no problem with him being with and loving another woman. So he still lives with her and she knows about me. I've given her my phone number and address. We continue to talk.