Dear Miss U,
I’m a female soldier, who has been dating my boyfriend on and off for the past 4 years. This year we decided to take it seriously. When we were in high school I would always lead him in and then cut him off. I did this because I was afraid of what my friends would think about me dating him. You see my bf is a nerd, one of the things I love about him. Well after we graduated high school, I went in the army. When I was home on leave we started talking again and we started a Relationship. Now we are 2 months in, he told me the other day that he sees us together but not in 5+ years. He told me he loves me, that he really loves me. He keeps on asking me when I am going to be deployed. He also said that we are total opposites and in a few years I would get bored with it. I talked to my friend about this and she said that this type of behavior is totally out of his character and that he is afraid. Please I don’t know how to go about talking to him about this. I know I screwed up in the past but now I can talk to him about anything because of our past. I love him, he got me through so much. I just don’t know what brought this up and I don’t know what to do about it. He’s my best friend and I can’t lose him. I don’t want to lose him, he got me through a lot of stressful times. I don’t think he understands how much he means to me. Please help.
Abbi *
Dear Abbi,
Sometimes there isn’t a how, there’s only a do. It’s hard to plan a conversation because you don’t know how the other person will respond. The best you can do is write a list of your thoughts; things you need to cover in the conversation and then wait for or make a good time to have a discussion. (Phone or Skype. Never use text messaging for a serious conversation if you can avoid it.) There should be nothing you can’t discuss with your partner.
During this conversation, ask why he doesn’t think this relationship is going to last. Perhaps he just has trouble envisioning the future, or it could be that he is worried your different goals will be irreconcilable.
Ask him what you can do to help him be comfortable with your choices, and just listen to his concerns. Give him some validation and support, whilst outlining why you must go ahead with this career choice. Understanding brings acceptance. He will still likely be scared, and he might still ask for dates because knowing when things are going to happen is important to a lot of people, but hopefully he will feel heard and will be able to relate on some level to your passion.
I need to caution you on asking your friends for judgement on his actions. You’ve known this guy four years – do you think it is out of character? What does he say about his actions? Does he feel he is acting strangely, or do you think that perhaps he is just opening up to you more because you’ve finally stopped jerking him around? Maybe he has always thought these things, but kept them to himself because the relationship wasn’t serious and he didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of you.
All you can do is have an honest conversation (or three!) about it with him. Don’t let others speak for him, your relationship is between the two of you.
Dear Miss U,
I met him on an international penpal site. He talked to me one day, while I was meeting many other friends online – sort of distracted focus. One month later, I went to trip alone to Taiwan. He just has texted me until then. He asked me if he can call me. He was kind, sweet, and polite. So we started to talk on the phone often. Since then, though we have never met, we are having a romantic relationship. One day he confessed me he has a bad eyesight since he was 7 years old. He cannot drive but he said he is not very uncomfortable he has been adapted to this life. It was a shock to me but he was a kind, respectable, strong and even funny. But recently when I suggested video chat, he was not willing to do it. Our long distance relationship is all about phone call? I couldn’t accept it yet. He is to visit me this summer (a year since we get to know each other). Once, I thought I was selfish. So I said “Hey, you don’t have to video chat if you are unwilling to. I want both to feel good while talking.” Then, he said “I guess I feel shy” I was surprised. Because he has actively sent me text messages. But he said it is not usual him.
The problem is I feel burdensome.
1. We have never met.
2. He is almost blind. No problem at all to me but still not comfortable because I cannot imagine what I feel about him when I met him in person.
3. He is shy. But I cannot feel his shyness at all while talking on the phone. He just hesitates video talk.
How should I overcome this burden?
His Shyness And Blindness
Dear HSAB,
Some people are just shy. It isn’t a big deal. All it means is that things might progress a little slower than you may be used to, and it might take him a little longer to warm up to ideas.
I personally do not feel that it is safe to meet someone in person who you have not video chatted with. It just adds a little security to be able to visually verify those things your partner has said. I know it sounds terrible but there are a lot of horrible predators on the internet, and in a world where rape victims are still (wrongly) asked about what they were wearing it really is best to be cautious.
Some things you can suggest to make video chatting more comfortable is you can offer to not comment on what you see at all, you can offer to go first or you can set a time limit so that he doesn’t have to feel like the call will stretch indefinitely. Don’t forget to ask him what you can do to help him be more comfortable taking this relationship step.
It is a misconception that guys are always confident, always the pursuers in a relationship, so let go of that expectation. It doesn’t matter that you can’t tell he feels uncomfortable or shy – what matters is that you listen and act respectfully because you know he does. Give a little encouragement and positive reinforcement. Tell him he can take his time.
He has told you he has a disability. Cool. That just makes him more interesting. What you can do is ask him what things he might do differently to compensate for his low vision, so you’re not surprised when you see it in person. Encourage him to share his experience with you. The more you understand the less this will seem like a big deal.
Lastly, not having met in person is a temporary thing. It’s something more and more modern couples go through. Don’t worry about it. When you are both ready, you will meet and then you’ll wonder what you were so worried about!
