Dear Miss U,
I met my significant other in college, we began dating and experienced distance for the first time two month into our relationship when he went home to Australia and I in the states. We made it through the month long Christmas break, and now are currently enduring the biggest time apart, summer break. We have arranged for me to come visit at the end of the summer for 3 and half weeks. However, possibly instead of him coming back to school he may have to take a semester off for personal reasons. We would be apart after my departure for an even bigger distance of 3 1/2 to 4 months. Without batting an eye, he said we would stay together. We discussed me visiting at Christmas and him probably coming back to school for that spring semester. I know I would be nothing without him, and he is positive about us. My question is, why do I care about the distance so much? Why does the thought of it make me hurt so bad and feel scared still?
Loving Down Under
Dear Loving Down Under,
I think the more important question here is: Why do you think you would be nothing without him? That’s wrong on so many levels. I strongly recommend that anyone who feels that lowly about themselves take time away from all romantic relationships to rediscover their own awesomeness, or at the very least discuss this feeling with your partner and get their help in addressing it.
You know what you are without him? Yourself. A whole complete person. A beautiful young woman (I can see your photo, as it’s attached to your google account). Someone who is interesting and complex. Someone with a future. An individual with special talents and perceptions to offer to the world. With or without him, you remain all these things, and if even for a moment your relationship is so disempowering that you think your worth as a person depends on him you need to get the hell out of it.
Yes, our partners do have the ability to help us become better people. They can and should improve upon who we are by virtue of their encouragement and support. Our dreams are their dreams, and vice versa. However if tomorrow he is abducted by aliens you need to know within yourself that you are capable and strong, worthy, kind, skilled and whole without him. I want it to be abundantly clear: You do not need him. You do not need any man, or woman. They are part of your life because you love them, not because you are useless without them.
Beyond that, I don’t know why you care about the distance so much. I might hazard a guess that it has to do with poor self-esteem or perhaps too much exposure to popular media that gives you a completely unrealistic view of relationships and how you should feel. A better way to figure it out though, is to try this simple exercise. You’ll need paper, a pencil and an eraser.
Write the problem down.
“I can not handle the distance.”
Look at what you have written and be aware of the emotions inside you as you contemplate the problem. You may become aware of being told too many times, “LDRs don’t work,” or you may become conscious of a deep-seated pressure to prove everyone wrong. You might remember hearing your mum saying “I’m nothing without him” when your dad was away for work, or your sister’s voice may haunt you saying “Long distance relationships are not real relationships”. Just listen to yourself and your feelings, and try to isolate the real problem. It probably isn’t that you can’t handle the distance (you’d be surprised at exactly how much of everything you really can survive if you don’t have another option) it is more likely your feelings about your capabilities and self-worth.
When you are confident you have isolated the true problem, channel that poisonous emotion or thought into your hand and pick up the eraser. “Rub out” the power these memories and feelings have over you by erasing the written sentence, and know that you have the power to remove them from your life just as you have done from the paper.
Over-all a few months or even a couple of years isn’t that big of a deal. It is what you make of it. Don’t give yourself time to wallow in negative thoughts, stay busy and take control of your words and thoughts. Your words have power. Try “Love reaches out to me from across the globe,” “I am alone, but not lonely, for I am loved,” or even just “We’ve got this!”
Attitude is everything.
Dear Miss U,
I have a wonderful boyfriend in so many ways. We have over 1000 miles separating us most of the year. Things are changing to where we can’t visit each other as much as well. He and I both have goals and ambitions and 2-3 more years to finish them to have the chance to be together more long term.
We began as long distance though we had a couple of months almost non-stop together.
Lately, my feelings of things and of him as well have lessened gradually. I love him very much, he’s good to me, however, we have some issues that I’m not sure about. One of my biggest things is that I see couples around me taking their steps toward building a life together and I’m so jealous. I don’t even know that in two years, if we have the chance to live together, that it will even work. I haven’t felt that I am in love with him yet either and that bothers me. I feel it’s unfair to both of us. He says it’s fair to him because he just wants to be with me. I can’t marry someone I’m not in love with though.
I’m so very lost and I am scared as well to be alone (single) even though I’m alone so much (physically).
Lost and lonely.
Dear Lost,
Staying with someone because you’re afraid of being single is quite possibly the worst reason to continue a relationship. It’s been two years. If you are not in love with him by now, chances are it isn’t going to happen. Moreover, while you’re tied up in a dead-end relationship you close a lot of doors through which someone you could love completely may be trying to walk.
Being single does not mean you have to be lonely and having a man doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy. I know it’s scary, so take your time, but I think you already know what you want and what you need to do.
