Dear Miss U,
Over the summer in Mexico I meet the most amazing guy ever his name was Edwin. Although he had a girlfriend but I didn’t care because I also had a guy in my life that I had met earlier that summer. I cheated on him one night with the Edwin. Yes I told the first guy and in the end I broke up with him. I was so dedicated to Edwin and still am. Everything’s been going perfect. He’s even meet my parents who absolutely love the kid. They even already bought my ticket to Mexico for December! So everything’s been great aside the fact that he has a girlfriend. Although he’s been having a lot of problems with her ever since I came into his life. But he doesn’t have the will to break up with her because he feels bad for cheating. By the way they’ve been going out for seven months. Anyways literally last night Edwin told me that his girlfriend might be pregnant. And of course I’m mad that he would have sex with her because he always tells me that he really cares about me and if I lived over there things would be so different. I mean I know he would leave his girlfriend for me (if I lived there). But at the end of the day I don’t. I know he has a girlfriend and us having this relationship is wrong. But I’m falling in love with this kid and it’s too hard to just end things in a blink of an eye. What should I do? Should I wait to see him in December and see what happens? Or should I just end what we have now? Please help me!
Trouble in Mexico
Dear Trouble,
Let me enlighten you to a very simple fact right from the outset: What you think you know, and what you actually know are vastly different things. Now, I do not know this boy, but I know people like him and I would put a great deal of money down on a bet that would say if you actually lived closer he wouldn’t break up with his girlfriend, he would just give you a different excuse. For the vast majority of relationships like yours, that is what happens. What kind of excuse is “can’t break up, I feel bad for cheating” anyway? Does this not ring alarm bells for you? “I can’t break up with my girlfriend, because I feel terrible for cheating. Instead I’m going to keep cheating on her, and hurt you in the process.” Yes, obviously he’s a top bloke, isn’t he?
At 16 he isn’t likely to fob you off with “I have to stay for the children” or “I can’t leave just yet because I’m financially supporting her” or “It’s complicated, we have a car and a mortgage…” but he’s still making shit up to keep you – and her – around.
And yes, of course he is still having sex with his girlfriend. She’s his girlfriend! You on the other hand are a very convenient and attractive fling whom he thinks he can hide from said girlfriend (who he no doubt professes his love to every day) because you’re not there and are completely smitten with him.
The really sad part about all this is somewhere out there is a young girl who thinks the world of her boyfriend, who is probably loyal to him, who is facing a scary time wondering if she’s pregnant in her teens and who when she inevitably finds out about his infidelity will carry the baggage of that with her for many years thinking that there’s something wrong with HER even though she’s the victim.
And that leaves you in a position of power, doesn’t it? Because whilst she doesn’t know about you, you DO know about her. You can make the choice to be a decent human, or you can continue aid in his destruction of her fragile self-worth. Personally, I’m all about women sticking together, helping each other out, protecting each other and building each other up; because when we allow or contribute to a guy abusing another woman’s trust we are in a way sanctioning that same fate upon ourselves. We are endorsing it. We are saying that cheating is ok.
You tell me that you know having this relationship is wrong, so that leaves you with a little heartache, sappy movies and a tub of ice cream to eat right out of for a week while you grieve what could have been OR it leaves you with choosing to be scum. Not for giving into temptation on a summer holiday and having a fling behind your own partner’s back – I think we can all understand how that could happen to a 15 year old, seeming some of us would still be tempted (and give in!) at twice that age – but to know you are doing something wrong, to have time to think about it and then to choose to keep hurting someone you’ve never even met on the strength of a few cheap words and too many hormones.
You don’t need me to tell you what to do, because you already know what you should do. But you do need me to tell you that he has no intention of leaving her for you, especially not knowing he can have his cake and eat it too. Think on this though, it’s only been a couple of months. How much more painful is saying goodbye going to be when you’ve wasted a couple of years on him?
Dear Miss U,
2 years ago I met a man online. We started just chatting as friends and then I took it to a whole new level on chatting, calling and Skyping. I had a partner at the time whom i share children with. We Skyped and called every day til I fell into my feelings for this man online and I left my partner of many years as the relationship just crumbled. We had the online relationship off and on throughout the whole 2 years. We sent each other gifts and money and chatted every single day. We both hurt each other with ex partners we both had. He let his go but I showed him I hadn’t quite let mine go by showing anger and pain when my kids’ dad had hooked up with my family member in front of my other family members. I shut him out and ignored him for a whole week which was not normal for me to do. So when I gathered myself I got the courage to call him and he was devastated that he couldn’t be there for me emotionally and that my actions showed I hadn’t let my kids dad go. During that time my kids dad and i were trying to work things out but I can’t so once again we are over and the entire time I keep chasing this man online who doesn’t message me as often as he used to. He has told me that he wants nothing to do with me unless I get on that plane and make that first visit with him. I can’t let him go no matter how much I try. A part of me says yes and the other says no… I have decided to go in 2 months to see him and see where the physical connection takes us… I don’t know what to do….
Tee
Dear Tee,
I feel that what would truly be in your best interests right now (and in the best interests of your kids) is to not date for a little while. It’s very easy to lose ourselves in committed long term relationships and parenting makes that a hundred times harder. We give so much and are on duty so much we often let our own wants and needs slip by the way-side. We forget what it was we used to enjoy, and how to spend time happily alone. We don’t take care of ourselves as much physically, that damages our self-worth and then we give ourselves to our next partners at a discount price because we don’t even know our own worth any more.
Obviously you need time to heal from being with your kids’ dad and from the things he has said and done since; and of course it is going to be hard to let go! Be kind to yourself on this. You had children with this man! Mini half-hims came out of your body and changed your life forever. Cut yourself some slack here; but also realize that when we hurt it’s hard not to pass that hurt onward. To not damage your relationship with your online love further, I would recommend stepping back for a while and gathering together all the pieces of yourself. I’m not saying cut contact – he’s obviously a good friend and you don’t want to throw this opportunity away – just don’t throw yourself into the deep end of another relationship while you are still bleeding over the last one. Be friends. Good friends. Flirty friends. But prioritize time alone, time to heal, time for hobbies and exercise. Go outside. Make dates with yourself before making dates with him.
By all means, go and meet him; but talk to him and let him know you don’t want to advance this relationship until you can do it as your best self. Time will also give his hurts a chance to fade away.
Make yourself and your kids your priority. Let him know how you feel about him. If you love him tell him! But don’t rush into something that could just make your personal world even more daunting.
Love really does wait. Love is powerful enough to give him the patience he needs to let you grow into the person you want to be. Love is wanting the best for each other, is it not?
Not everything has to happen right now, and that alone can give us clarity.
