Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years now, and lived together for 1.5 of those years. Last September he moved to a different country for medical school, which means over 5 years of distance. Lately, things have become more and more tricky, with him critiquing my family, and my upbringing. He also repeated tells me that I should be doing more and doing better, without also acknowledging the strides I have made (I have been struggling with serious mental health issues which he does not believe are real). Sometimes this has been helpful but mostly it makes me feel inadequate. He also devotes most of his time not to schoolwork (he is incredibly gifted) but to computer programming instead, even doing this while we have our nightly 5 minute catch-up. This has resulted in feeling increasingly distanced from him. He also doesn’t agree with planning visits. Something that gives me stability. Before he left he was the person I believe d I would marry as he was so loving and caring, and supported me through a terrible time in my life but now I feel lost and alone. To make matters worse, a close friend recently admitted to having strong feelings for me and made me feel better about myself and my worth during a time of great vulnerability, and we kissed. I feel incredibly guilty and have no idea how to move forward. Should I continue to try and stick it out with the boyfriend that I still love, or should I break things off to try and figure out how to support and love myself?
– Ultimately Confused
Dear Ultimately Confused,
Young adulthood, the period both of you are in now, is a tricky time full of change, hormones and personal growth; mostly good things, but sometimes these things result in us growing apart from our significant others. I think that might be what is happening here. He obviously expects more from you than what you’re displaying and whether he is just trying to encourage you or actually purely tearing you down, it’s counterproductive. And nasty. You don’t deserve that.
It is also infuriating when someone claims mental health issues aren’t real, that they don’t believe in them. Scientific evidence aside, his belief has no bearing on the truth of the matter. It’s like saying “I don’t believe heart disease is real.”
From the way he has spoken to you, his disinterest in planning a visit and his inattention during your conversations, I don’t hesitate to say that he is gradually moving on himself. I feel this relationship will come to an end, whether you are the one to finalize it or not.
Sometimes no matter how much you love a person, you can’t make them be the right person for you. It makes it more difficult to end the relationship and move on when feelings are still present, but love is not all you need – and your needs are not being met. That much is obvious from your kiss with that close friend. Your significant other isn’t supporting you, uplifting you or treating you with respect. He’s not trying to enrich the relationship with you, or putting in an effort to make this long distance relationship as fulfilling as possible, even though it will take many years to close the distance. But I think you know all these things, and what you need to do.
So let me tell you that it’s ok. How you feel is valid. You matter and deserve to feel like you do. You are ‘good enough.’
Regardless of what you choose to do with this relationship, you need to work on your relationship with yourself. You need to pick up those skills that give you emotional stability and independence. I don’t think people need to love themselves, rather that they need to treat themselves with love and work on finding things to like. You need to be able to recognize your worth. Give yourself the time and attention to do that. Maybe all this time he has been bogging you down and you would be “doing more and doing better” without him? Do what is right for you.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been dating 2 years and are both sure its true love, we have talked getting married over and over.
She lives in Finland and we talk through Skype.
She is a very emotional person.
Quite a few times she has gotten really sad and I have cheered her up and made her blush and smile and feel special, she is my world and my everything, she makes me happier than I’ve ever been, we met and saved each other from suicide 2 years ago, till recently we’ve always talked at least 4 hours a day, she’s a really shy and nervous type.
Lately she’s been very down and it’s hard to get her to talk to me, she still loves me and cares, but she won’t talk much anymore and keeps getting sad, I hate seeing her like this but she won’t let me help or even tell me what’s wrong and when I say that I just wanna help she said “I can do that myself. I’ve been trying to tell you that but you never take my words seriously”
Honestly 2 years ago I was %100 forever alone loser who was sure he was gonna die alone, then she came along and was perfect, amazing, beautiful, sweet, caring, funny, adorable, and everything I’ve ever wanted, I know she still loves me and cares cause she just recently asked me to promise to never leave her and I said yes and she promised the same back. honestly she’s the best thing to ever happen to me and what I want most is to keep her happy and grow old with her(whenever I say that she smiles and blushes and gets speechless)
So please, do you have any advice for us?
– Alex
Dear Alex,
She says she can help herself – then why does she choose to be sad? I think this is the question that needs to be addressed. And, is she just sad on occasion or is she suffering from another bout of depression?
For some young adults, finding love and support is the key to them overcoming depression and thoughts of suicide. They learn to look after themselves and see their own value through the love given to them and the positive repercussions of their relationship. It seems this has been the case for you. For other people though this is not enough because it doesn’t address the underlying cause of the issues. Sometimes depression can be related to an imbalance of hormones or chemicals in the brain. If she is suffering from a chemical imbalance, she will need to seek some kind of professional help to manage it. Her sadness might be a situational thing caused by something in her environment she has concealed, or she could just be struggling with the distance more than usual but doesn’t want to make you feel bad. Unfortunately some people, especially in their late teens, tend to go through a stage where they get a kind of enjoyment from being melancholy, and for a while simply don’t want to rise above it. Whatever the matter is, you can not force her to talk about it, all you can do is give her the opportunity to start the conversation herself and remind her (occasionally, without nagging) that you are always there to listen without judgement.
Sometimes it’s ok to be sad too, it can help to process thoughts or can just be a product of being too tired.
My advice is to encourage healthy living strategies by finding ways to do them together (or share them with photos, etc.) such as healthy eating, getting the right amount of exercise and learning some basic mediation skills. Encourage her to get outside. Work on making your lives better together and remember you don’t need her permission to cheer her up, nor do you need to wait until she’s sad to try and make her smile.
