Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 11 months . When we are together everything is fantastic. We have lots a fun being together and we are happy when we are able be there for one another. Don’t get me wrong, we have our arguments, but we always manage to resolve them.
I ended up moving back to Scotland after Uni 2 months into the relationship. At the time, we both decided that we wanted to remain together because we really cared about each other. I realized that I loved my girlfriend after around 3/4 months and she expressed the same feelings.
We still both feel the same way and that is not the issue here. It has just reached the point where she is really struggling with not having me there. I only get to see her once a month for 3/7 days and sometimes we can be separated for longer. On top of that, she has had problems with her flat mates and feels unhappy when she is living there. I feel as if this adds to the problem. She feels lonely and upset and I can’t be there, in person, to make her feel better. Furthermore, it is her final year at uni, so she is feeling the pressure of that too. Once again I can’t be there to comfort her a lot of the time.
We are both unsure about what to do. She doesn’t feel happy when I am not there for long periods of time but equally, she wouldn’t be happy not having me there if we weren’t together.
Any advice would be helpful. I want us to be able to make the best decision for both of us.
Kind Regards,
Johnny
Dear Johnny,
it probably doesn’t help a whole lot, but I want you both to know that everyone doing long distance struggles with it at some point. It’s that time in a long distance relationship where one or both people need to weigh up what is going to hurt more – toughing it out or saying goodbye. Me personally, I think it’s stupid to say “I don’t see you enough, I never want to see you at all” but for others that is the road they must take for their own sanity.
In your situation, I feel your girlfriend might have more energy to put into her perseverance if other areas of her life weren’t bringing her down so much. The key thing to always remember is that we are in charge of our own lives. If we are unhappy it is up to us – and no one else – to fix it. If she can’t bear her flatmates, she needs to either move or kick them out and get new ones (for example). We all need to be captaining our own ships toward happiness. Put more plainly, her unhappiness is not your fault and it’s not your job to fix it.
With that said, you can make your presence felt and bring a smile to her face in a lot of ways. Laughter and fun go a long way toward balancing out the crappy parts of our days. What is she studying? Can you get involved with that somehow? Can you write up some of her study notes in a way that makes them look like love notes? Or pick up a book on the subject and write sweet commentary or decorate the margins throughout?
You can make her look forward to going home by writing a letter each week (or more time permitting). Snail mail is charming, don’t underestimate its power. Hide notes or tiny gifts in her room when you visit so she finds little reminders of you throughout the month. If she has a big exam or other event you can’t attend, send flowers or biscuits. Show her you remembered, that you care, that she is on your mind.
Remind her, in better words, that loneliness is a state of mind. Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. When you are in contact with her – giving her your attention – you are present. And being present is becoming a rare thing in our society. Presence of mind is more powerful and valuable than mere physical presence. Find a way to show her that! Your mind and heart are with her – and they are the important bits. Don’t think that you can’t comfort her because you can’t be there, that’s bullshit. You can’t do it the same way perhaps, but you can do it. Be a bit creative.
Finally, do focus on the positive. Being able to visit once a month or so is really good for an international couple, appreciate that for how awesome it actually is. Look for the ways in which your lives are improved because you’re a couple rather than concentrating on how much more complicated things can be with the distance. Remember too that your relationship is not about the distance. Yes, you’re in a LDR but your love isn’t about that so don’t make it the focal point of your relationship and conversations.
Dear Miss U,
I need some advice! I’ve been with my wonderful partner for nine months now. However… I still don’t know how to tell my mother. I live with her, my parents are separated. It is hard, because she has the opinion that no one can love online, that love online is only for scams, or will get you hurt/raped/killed etc. Also, my partner is 14 years older than me, and above average weight, which I think will only further her distaste in our relationship. I am also afraid of her taking away my electronics, my main method of communication between us if she found out. I hate being dishonest, but I honestly do not know how to approach this. I keep thinking it might be better to tell her after we have met in real life, to give him some credibility… but I am not sure. His family doesn’t know about me either, as they have told him no one can truly love him, and they would say I am too young, and since we haven’t met IRL..I don’t really know him. Any help would be lovely! I am 18, and still living at home.
Loving from Aus
Dear LFA,
There’s something fishy going on here.
I am all for meeting online. I think long distance relationships are the bomb diggity. Strangers are just friends we haven’t met yet and all that. But I’m also a stickler for being safe. Meeting him in person without telling your mother first is a great way to end up abducted; and yes, that kind of thing can and does happen. It’s not just something your teachers tell you to scare you away from the internet. It’s a legitimate risk. I personally don’t think your mother is going to see it as more credible if you could say you’d met, she’d probably just be horrified that you took the risk and she was unaware.
In the event you do decide your mother is scarier than possible abduction and sexual assault, tell someone at least. Someone nearby. Someone with a phone and a car. Someone who is not busy that day. Someone who will remember to check in with you and make sure you’re ok. Because there are freaks out there, and those women and men (young and old!) who do fall prey to internet predators are people exactly the same as you. People who love and trust their partner. People who haven’t seen any red flags at all.
Now, as much as people might not like the age difference in your relationship, and as much as they might not believe you can fall in love online, you’re an adult. Legally at least, it’s nobody’s business who you date and how. With that said, if you want to be recognized as an adult you need to be one, and that means taking responsibility for your own life. You’re afraid she will take away your electronics, but are they yours or hers? Who pays your phone bill? Are you helping with the rent, the bills, the groceries, and the housework, or are you living as a child? Because these things will make a difference in how she sees you and how she handles the news of your relationship. If she can see you making the right choices for yourself in other areas of life, she is less likely to doubt your judgement.
Being young is hard, and I don’t miss it. But the best advice I can give you is to be honest, act normal, don’t make his age/weight/distance a big deal, focus on the positives and then roll with what comes next. Sometimes you just have to go in with an open mind and give it your best shot.
