Your Future Begins Now

Dear Feeling Down

Have you told him that his unwillingness to make a long term plan makes you feel? Six years for a maybe is too much, in my opinion. You were together well over a year when he left, it’s not unreasonable to expect him to know whether or not he is serious about this relationship.

Now, here’s the thing about “never knowing what happens in the future”: the future does not make itself. If you’re not actively working together on the goal to be together, the future or fate or whatever isn’t going to magically make it happen. If you don’t make it happen, it doesn’t happen.

It’s a hard conversation to have. “Whose country will we live in?” is a massive decision, and often the logical decision isn’t necessarily the correct one. Mr. E and I always thought I would move to his country, as he has a massive family, lifelong friends, a wide support base and the cost of living was cheaper. But we tried it and it didn’t work out. My family is smaller, but I’m closer to them. I see them every day and can’t live without them, where his family isn’t like that. He loves his country, but he isn’t spiritually tied to the land the way I am. And while it’s more expensive to live in Sydney, the pay for his job is also way better. So, what seemed like a no-brainer didn’t play out that way.

We found I couldn’t be happy in his country, whilst he was thriving in mine.

And you know how we figured that out? By trying both. Taking each country for a test drive.

More than that – by both of us making the relationship the priority, not the location.

For the longest time, neither of us were willing to commit to a forever move, so our long-term plan was to never settle, to swap countries every five years. To that end, we never bought permanent furniture or pets. We got all our stuff second hand, knowing that we’d be starting over again and again. That was the best we could agree on. You might not have the luxury of putting off a final decision the way we did, but I want you to know that you can get creative with your solution. You might settle together in a third country. You might become backpackers. He might come up with something that makes you excited to move to Poland, or he might tell you what would make living in the UK a viable option for him. Anything can happen, but only if you’re working together as a team. Only if you both decide that the relationship is the priority. And only if you talk to each other honestly about what you want and how you feel.

Hey Molly, great to hear from you again.

I’m glad he’s taking responsibility and protecting you as much as possible from his family. I also hope his family comes to terms with the fact their baby boy is now a grown-up and they stop their shenanigans.

Ahhh anxiety. That bitch and I are well acquainted! When it comes to other people posing a threat to the relationship, here’s how I think of it, and what I said to get Mr. E to chill his concerns.

Lots of people are like, “OMG the opposite sex! Panic!” but I’m here being all “but why?” See, I’m pansexual. I could be attracted to literally any human. So while Mr. E feels more comfortable when I hang out with other girls, there isn’t actually a lower chance of me cheating. There isn’t a lower level of temptation, even though society tells him there should be. In the early days, we came head to head over my male best friend, and I was like, “I’m attracted to women too. Are you saying I can’t have any friends? I shouldn’t be alone with anyone, ever?”

That would be ridiculous right?

Then I asked him, “Are you attracted to every single woman you see?” And I encourage every reader to ask themselves this too. For any and every gender you are attracted to: are you attracted to every person of that gender?

Likely not. And even if there is a low-level potential there, likely you’ve got additional criteria for people you’d take to bed.

So, being surrounded by girls isn’t in and of itself a sin. Having their phone numbers doesn’t automatically mean they are there for a booty call. You’re doing both him and them a disservice thinking that way. They are more than sex objects and he is more than his base impulses. Remind yourself of this until it finally sticks. It can take a while to reprogram that automatic panic, but you’ll feel freer when it finally clicks.

On his part, he needs to be giving you the opportunity not to freak out. He needs to trust you not to judge him for things he isn’t doing wrong – like his roomies taking drugs. Why would you be upset with him for the actions of other adults? If anything you’d be sympathetic, I would think.

It is great you’re in counseling and working through all of this, building toward a better more secure future. And yes, trust does come back. I can also assure you that as you age you get a better sense of what is a crisis and what isn’t. For example, you figure out that when you trust someone, it doesn’t matter who they are with.

Case in point, I hired a stripper for Mr. E’s 30th birthday party, because I know that even with a naked girl rubbing herself all over him, he isn’t going to do anything to break the rules of our relationship. He isn’t going to cheat on me. Not at the office Christmas party. Not when he goes out to poker night. Not when he’s away at a convention. I trust him, thus no matter who he is with or what environment he is in, I never have to worry.

It wasn’t always that way though. That takes time. Years and years of good behavior. Years of him seeing me through my worst times and still being there. Years of hard or downright weird conversations. Think of it like an investment. It takes patience and for tiny little bits to build up over a long period of time.
The more he lives his life and you don’t panic over it, the more he will feel safe talking to you. The more he shares with you (even things that you won’t necessarily approve of) the more you will know he trusts you to tell you anything.

My goal is that if my husband ever does feel tempted to cheat (or do something else I don’t approve of) I will be the person he can turn to. Not his mates who might say, “Miss U will never know.” He’ll come to me, recognizing that this is a problem with our relationship that we can face together. And calmly, as a team, we will do so.
Time tends to take care of the hurt too. It fades. One day it might even be funny. You just have to give it that time. Meanwhile, here’s a thought to chew on:

Each time a joke is told, it gets progressively funnier. Even just thinking it. You’ll go from not being able to re-tell the joke without laughing, to a time when a smile barely quirks your lip. And yet, each time we think over or talk about the hurtful things, we seem to give them more power. They hurt more, though the offense remains the same. Why is that? And is there a way you can turn this logic to your advantage?

Thank you for writing to me. Your dedication to sorting out the relationship’s problems stands you in good stead. It might not be better tomorrow or next month. But this time in five years, if you’re both honest and acting as a team, your hard work to build a solid foundation will have paid off.