Hi, I’m “Monster” and I am 21. I am from a Southeast Asian country while “Apple” is from the Scandinavian region. We were very happy with each other when we were okay but we had this on-off relationship 3 times already (at the moment, we were not yet back together). Just this day (01 June), she said that a guy who likes her makes her feel hurt and she does not wanna tell me why. She is a very pretty lady and I know that she could attract lots of men online and even if we were not back together, I feel jealous. We had Skype on our anniversary and had a great time, making me think that she still have feelings for me. I just wanted to know if there is still a chance that we could make it despite these “interference” by other men and how could I get her back? She can always trust me since I never looked for another girl around me even if we are miles apart (coz I look terrible and I don’t have the guts to be liked by another) while she could have lots of admirers online (actually, she had lots), and now that she admits that someone is bothering her feelings, I felt paranoid about it. We still talk like before (minus the I love you’s and sweet messages) and we’re very open about each other.. She is close to my family, too and in constant talk with my mom. I am on my final year in college and she is a day care worker in her country.
Thank you for being there for troubled LDR people like me and my case could be one-sided for now but I hope she would come back.
– “Monster” 🙁
Hey Monster,
I have a personal rule: three strikes and you’re out. If you’ve been with someone twice previously and the third time you still can’t make it work, it’s time to leave that relationship in the past. There is no good in flogging the dead horse, after all. Now because I know that’s not what you want to hear and not particularly helpful because you do want to give it another shot, here’s my advice:
If you do give this relationship another chance, do so with both of you holding onto the knowledge that this is it. If it fails there will be no more second chances. One thing I see all too often is couples that use breaking up as a threat, an expression of anger or a frivolous action that can be revoked. It isn’t, and when people in a relationship treat breaking up the same way older generations would slam down the phone receiver it becomes difficult for both parties to take the relationship seriously. Love is not a game, so don’t play childishly with each other’s hearts. If you have an issue in the relationship work through it. Take the time to listen to each other, calm down separately if you need to and revisit the conversation later. Look for compromises. Ask yourselves “is this issue really that important?” and know your deal-breakers. If it’s not a deal breaker, then don’t start talking about ending the relationship. It’s that simple.
It makes no sense that she would tell you this guy makes her feel hurt and then refuse to tell you why. And why would she stay in contact with him if she was very bothered by his behaviour? It sounds to me like she’s playing games, like she wants you to push for the information, fight for her attention and make her feel important. (Keeping in mind I do not know her and only have the information provided in this letter, my suspicions may very well be off-base.) All you can do is talk to her. Ask her why she would tell you only part of the story. And while you’re at it, ask her if there’s a chance of getting back together; find out if she still has feelings for you or if you have moved into the friend-zone.
On to your jealousy and this “interference” from other men. Let me make this clear: There are always going to be other men in her life, and there will always be the chance one of those men will take an interest in her. There is even the possibility she will feel fleeting attraction to one of them. It is not a big deal. It takes two people to have a relationship, so no matter how interested other guys are in her it does not change the fact she is with you. Remember not to punish her, make her feel guilty or otherwise let your jealousy turn you into a real monster towards her. Being attractive is not a crime. Nor is noticing other attractive people or having friends of the opposite gender. These things alone would not be enough for her to give her heart to someone else if what you have together is a happy and healthy relationship, so don’t let irrational jealousy cloud your better judgement. These other guys are not interfering with your relationship; jealousy is interfering with your relationship. By all means have a conversation with Apple about not leading guys on if you think she is unintentionally sending the wrong signals, but don’t try to control who she talks to or makes friends with.
And lastly: work on your self-esteem. Confidence is attractive, self-pity is not. I highly doubt that you look so terrible that no one could ever love you – obviously she does or has, which just proves my point – but even if you did there is far more to being attractive and desirable than being conventionally good-looking or having access to a lot of money. People are drawn to your intelligence, your sense of humour and most importantly: how they feel when they are with you. If people’s experiences and conversations with you are positive, they will want to be with you more often. It fosters your attractiveness. People want to feel loved, respected, and valued. They want to engage in meaningful conversation and share their hobbies. They want to feel important and to be shown they are desirable. They want to laugh and feel their stresses recede. They do not want to spend time with people who constantly hurt them. They don’t want to feel afraid or like they cannot be themselves. They don’t want to feel inferior or as though they are not trustworthy. This is true attractiveness. Surface beauty is a nice thing to have, but for most of us it does fade in time. If attraction is based only on what the eyes see it can not last.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I are in a serious long distance relationship. He is in England and I am in Texas. Things had been up and down for a while. Recently, things were really good and we were both happy. But now, things have gone downhill. I always feel bad when I go out, but he never feels bad when he goes out. We have a date night once a week, which works out really well, but recently he has been going out every single week (not on our date night). Where he lives it is the thing to go out on Monday’s, so that’s exactly what he does.
Sometimes he tells me about it and other times he doesn’t. I don’t feel comfortable with this because every time I go out, I feel bad and I mention that to him, but he doesn’t ever seem to have a second thought on when he goes out. There’s a little bit of a trust issue right with him right now, and I don’t know how to tell him that I’m uncomfortable with how much he goes out. How should I go about talking with him?
– Troubled in Texas
Dear Troubled,
Why do you feel bad when you go out? I can’t see a reason for this; you are not doing anything wrong. In fact, you’re doing something right. It’s not healthy to spend all your time with one person, or inside on the computer for that matter. When we spend time without our significant others it gives us interesting things to talk about with them later. It helps us feel more involved with our communities, part of something greater than ourselves. It allows us to build up networks for support and opens doors of opportunity that can later benefit our careers or even our partners. Going out is fun and reduces our stress – which makes us in turn more fun to spend time with. Our partners benefit from us being happy.
So why then should you feel bad about going out? Are you just worried about him being lonely? What do you think you are doing wrong by going out, and does his going out upset you because you are projecting your issues onto him?
I would suggest, to help ease your misplaced guilt, that you plan your nights out when you know he will also be out. That way neither of you is sitting at home pining away.
From my understanding of your letter, he goes out one night a week, and he keeps his date-night commitment to you on another night. This sounds like a really good arrangement to me. It looks like he is balancing his love life with his social life quite well and I’m not really sure exactly why you want him to go out less.
Do you worry that he is drinking too heavily or partying too hard while he is out? Perhaps you could suggest other activities he can enjoy with his mates to ease up the alcohol consumption. Is staying out late affecting his carer or study? If so, provide examples of this to him and encourage him to be more responsible. Sometimes the best way to do that is with praise rather than admonition. When you notice him coming home earlier than normal or prioritising positive things in his life, tell him you’re proud of him, or that he’s impressed you. Feed his ego a little bit. We all want to feel good, so if you make him feel good about certain actions he is more likely to repeat those actions.
If these things are not the case, do you want him to go out less because you don’t trust him? Because that is the worst possible reason to ask him to stay in for the evening. You not trusting him is your problem, not his. If he doesn’t go out and demonstrate his trustworthiness by avoiding whatever it was that had you question him in the first place, how can he ever build back what was previously lost? He needs to be able to prove he is trustworthy and he can’t do that sitting at home.
With that said, if you feel you need to have a conversation with him about it, do so. Remember to use “I” statements, so that he does not feel attacked. If you make him defensive, chances are he will not listen. Try “I feel anxious about how often you go out. I often feel bad about going out but you don’t seem to experience that at all. Can we talk about it?” or “I worry about how much you go out because
