You're Not A Tree - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

In high school, I dated a guy for about 6 months. He was from Colorado originally so he would always go back there for breaks. When he was gone I was so miserable because I missed him. I ended up breaking up with him because he cheated on me and ever since then I swore I'd never do a LDR again.

Fast forward 4 years later, I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years and we are in a LDR. He is from NY and I'm from MA but we both go to school in NY, about an hour apart from each other. We really only see each other once a week and during breaks, we're lucky if see each other. I thought I would get used to it but I haven't. Him, on the other hand, only knows LDR and I try to explain to him how much I hate it, but he always says, "We'll get through it, we'll get through it." I love him, but I'm afraid that when it comes time for jobs, he'll find a job outside of NY and we'll have to continue the LDR. I don't know if I can do that or want to do that but I don't want to break up with him either.

I'm in a pickle, what should I do?

Thank you,
anti-LDR

Dear anti-LDR,

I say this a lot, and I remind myself of my mother but... attitude is everything. If you’ve made up your mind that LDRs suck and you hate them and this is awful, that’s exactly how it will be for you. By and large, happiness is a choice. But that’s not what you asked, so just put that bit of information in your pocket in case you need it later.

The solution to the future dilemma is quite simple. It’s resolved by talking to your partner and making it absolutely clear that this LDR is the home stretch. There will be no LDR after school. You will decide together where you will live when you close the distance, and you will only apply for work in a sensible commute radius of that location. You make decisions as a couple, and choose your paths with the mindset that this relationship is your highest priority.

We’re back at the whole “it’s a choice” thing. You might not choose to fall in love, particularly not with someone who isn’t from your home city, but you can choose not to prolong the LD portion of your relationship. Make it clear that being in a LDR a month longer than strictly necessary is completely off the table for you, regardless of how he feels about being long distance. It’s okay to say “this is a hard limit for me,” and “this is what I need.”

It’s entirely possible he doesn’t want to settle in NY forever, and those conversations are very difficult, but if you can agree that wherever you go from here you go together, that’s half the battle won. Remember, too, you are not trees. Where you settle in your twenties doesn’t need to be the place you live in your thirties or forties. You can move. You can travel. You can change paths. If you can’t agree to a forever, agree to a five-year plan and then reassess later.

Dear Miss U, After 3 years of being in this long distance relationship, I am starting to doubt if this really is working. I live in Italy and he lives in America. The first year was great. We made so many trips trying to see and spend as much time as possible with each other. We have planned on closing the distance, but things keep getting in the way. It’s been very rocky. At the moment I can’t move there because I have a daughter and her dad won’t let me take her away. He said he would move here but never makes the right steps to close the distance. [read more: It’s OK to not be OK.]
Dear Miss U, ...My partner lives in England. We are both doing really well in our jobs and lives. I’ve just been offered an extension by a few years on my current visa by my work, but I don’t know how much longer I can live without my other half. I love my job it’s a dream, it’s becoming incredibly hard to choose the love of my life or my job. I fear if I choose to stay here for another two or three years my girlfriend will leave me as we can’t move forward together. But job opportunities at home don’t compare to the USA. Stay in the US and possibly lose my other half or find a new job that won’t give me the satisfaction and be happy with my girlfriend? [read more: A Little More Action]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.