Dear Miss U,
I’ve been questioning my relationship lately as it is still very new. We started dating just a few weeks ago and clicked so quickly and with so much intensity that it’s still scary to think about! I am in love with him and I’m planning a trip in two months to go see him but I keep having these nagging doubts in my brain. Is this right? Should I be doing this? Do I really love him? Will he still love me when he sees me? I’ve had people give me their doubts so that doesn’t help but I also just want to know how to squelch them and remind myself that I love him and want to be with him. Do you think we went into things too fast? Do you think we should keep space from each other? We talk all day constantly and video chat every night, usually falling asleep with the chat open. What do you think? Is this something worth keeping?
Dear 3,000 Miles,
I think my opinion, and the opinion of your doubters, is entirely irrelevant. Let me ask you something: Even if it is “just” infatuation, who in Hades cares? What harm is enjoying yourselves doing? What’s wrong with jumping in with both feet and living life to the fullest? In my worthless opinion, I believe that even if this relationship doesn’t work out, it was worthwhile. You will have learned lessons and experienced love akin to magic. You’ll have smiled more than you cried. Totally worth it, don’t you think?
Didn’t some famous person once say, “If your dreams don’t terrify you, you’re not aiming high enough!” or something to that effect? It’s ok to be scared. It’s fine not to be able to guess what the outcome will be. And it’s perfectly acceptable to tell those nay-sayers to fuck off.
I hope you have an amazing first visit.
Dear Miss U,
Hello. I am a woman who fell in love with a man who lived in a different country than me. We met through a website (not a dating website) and realized we had a lot in common. We started chatting back in September 2015 and talked almost every day for the next year and a half. Eventually, we made plans to meet up. This was also complicated as I was married at the time as was he and he had two children.
We both were unhappy in our marriages and discovered that we were much happier in the secret relationship we carried on with for a year and a half. Twice he came to come see me which involved lies from both sides to our spouses. Our time together was amazing and even though we had talked rather “lovingly” prior to meeting, we finally declared how much we loved one another shortly after we met.
After our second time meeting, things began to go sour between us with a lot of jealousy and insecurity over his actions while we were apart. We had fights frequently. Some of those fights would result in us not talking for a few days. He claims I pushed him away.
Finally, my marriage imploded and I was getting a divorce. He showed no empathy for the abuse I went through. He got to continue living his secret life with other women which was infuriating. I wrote things online about him attempting to expose his secret life. He found out about it and felt betrayed. Now we can’t even talk about things as adults since he is paranoid. He says “we’re done, leave me alone.” Does he mean it?
Heartbroken and Confused
Yes, he means it. In the highly unlikely chance he didn’t mean it, you should still respect his word and act as though he did mean it, much the same as if you said, “No, I don’t want to have sex,” and a guy really wanted to believe you didn’t mean it. No means no, even when you want to hear “yes.” “Leave me alone” is pretty straight forward. There’s nothing to be confused about here.
Loving someone doesn’t make them a good person and it doesn’t stop the relationship from being utterly toxic. My advice is to be single for a while. It will give you the chance to remember who you are (which is, in my opinion, a critical step after exiting a long term relationship), to heal and to finalize your divorce.
Though you feel alone and broken right now I want to encourage you to focus on the positive: he was the catalyst that helped you take those last few steps out of an abusive marriage. You deserve to be happy and most of all respected. Now you are free to heal and eventually find someone who treats you properly. You will come through the fire. Let it renew you.