Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a bit over 3 years now but we have been long distance for a little over 2 years. In other words, we have been a long distance couple for most of our relationship. I moved to the US for school and my boyfriend, who is back home, is now done with college, but I have two more years left in undergrad. We do plan to get married but other than being too young by our country’s traditions, there are factors against us such as finances and school for me. The long distance relationship is getting really hard for us both, and I just want us to get married so he can legally move to live with me while I am in school. This is not my only reason for wanting to get married; I love him – mind, body, and soul (cliche but true) – but there are some people that think that we should not race to get married just to solve the distance problem. I cannot picture a life without him and we both know that we want to marry each other. It is hard to go home for a couple of weeks or months only to have to endure painful goodbyes and having to wait seven months to a year before we can be together again. Do you think I am being impulsive in wanting to get married so we can be together indefinitely?
My concern isn’t that you might be young and/or impulsive, it’s that getting married doesn’t always equal a smooth road to closing the distance. A lot of people think that as soon as you marry someone, they are entitled to join you wherever you are in the world, but this is simply not true. I don’t have personal experience with the US visa process, but friends who have closed the distance there have told me they have had to marry, then live part for some months while they wait for paperwork or interviews, and then once their partner has joined them, they often can’t work for a few months because they have to wait for a Green Card. So the questions I’m asking are 1) have you researched all avenues of closing the distance and come to the conclusion that this is the visa path best for your situation? And 2) do you have the resources to support him if he can’t work right away?
I think that if you have done your research and you have the resources to make the move happen, you take your relationship seriously and are both dedicated to making a marriage work (which isn’t as easy as it might sound) then why not get married?
If you can solve the distance in another way (that doesn’t require you to sacrifice your education) so that you could marry at a more leisurely pace, and afford a bigger party later, I personally would go for that. But if you have to marry for him to move to you, then let me be the first to congratulate you both!
I wish you all the best in your marriage and your lives together. If this is what you feel you need in your life, more power to you!
Dear Miss U,
I have had a LDR before but I’ve never had the chance to actually see him in person. He was at the moment of signing up for the Army. I was willing to do anything to have a strong relationship. I had faith that it would have worked out if only God gave him more time to live. Sadly, that didn’t happen and we only lasted for two months.
A guy friend requested me on Facebook. We’ve talked for 13 days before meeting each other in person. We hung out for 3 days and then he left. He’s a Marine and was sent to be stationed in Hawaii. I didn’t have serious intentions with him because I don’t have the same faith. I was more insecure and I’m scared of losing someone again.
We continued to talk and have gotten close so we ended up together. It has already been 2 months and I feel like I’m not doing my part. I told him that I dislike taking pictures and I hate video calling. I’ve been told that those are the main things to use in a LDR. So I feel like I’m losing him even though he shows the total opposite. I second guess myself and I know what people say about that; that I’m not ready to be in this type of relationship. Should I listen?
I also have a blown out conversation with myself sometimes. I’m two in one. One part of me knows that this will work out and that everything will be ok but then the other part says that I will hurt him and myself – that I’m not good for him. I’m scared to lose him even though he has shown me so much love and care. I don’t know what to do. Am I wrong?
First of all, I am sorry for your loss.
I don’t think you are wrong, I think you’re just expecting too much of yourself too soon! When you know him better, you are more secure in the relationship and more emotionally invested, taking photos might feel less awkward, and the joy of talking to him will outweigh your hate of video calling. Give it some time! A lot of time, like if you are still struggling with this issue this time next year, then yes that might be a concern, but right now you barely know this guy. I don’t video chat or send photos to people I’ve known less than a handful of months either, and I haven’t been through the trauma you have.
Be kind to yourself, take it easy, and let this progress naturally rather than forcing it.